Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!
31
Dec
31
Dec
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. Dad, he says, you wont believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!Thats absolutely amazing! his father says. How do I get him in that program?Just send him down here with $1000, the boy says, Ill get him into the course.So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.So hows Fido doing, son? his father asks.Awesome, dad, hes talking up a storm, he says, but you just wont believe this – theyve had such good results with this program, that theyve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!READ!? says his father, No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?Just send $2,500, Ill get him in the class. His father sends the moneyThe boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. Wheres Fido? I just cant wait to see him talk and read something!Dad, the boy says, I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked: Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing around with that cute little redhead next door?The father says, I hope you SHOT that damn dog.I sure did, Dad! I sure did!
31
Dec
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a
city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.
Youve been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, that Im going to
give you a special gift. Im going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want. And with a clap of his hands, the angel
brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.
You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and Ill shit on
its head.
31
Dec
Yes, motherhood changes everything. But motherhood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
Third baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.
The Babys Name
First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.
Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth
First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
Second baby: You dont bother practising because you remember that last
time, breathing didnt do a thing.
Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette
First baby: You prewash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.
Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
Third baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?
Worries
First baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you
pick up the baby.
Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
Third baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Activities
First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
At Home
First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
Third baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
31
Dec
There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.
The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.
The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.
And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.
31
Dec
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?
Farmer: Some things you just cant explain. Man: So what happened thats so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain. Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.
Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just cant explain.
Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just cant explain.
31
Dec
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask Why do we have to learn this stuff?
To save lives. the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted.
It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school, replied the professor.
31
Dec
The Chelsea team are having a meeting on the eve of a Newcastle game.
Vialli says, Look lads, I know they are absolute shite and we dont want
to play them, but we have to or we face the wrath of the FA.
Gustavo Poyet peps up, Ive got an idea… why dont you lot all go down
to the pub, and let me play them on my own? After all, Ive played in most
of the positions this season, and remember, Newcastle are totally
pish…
Brilliant Idea, Gus! says Vialli. Lets do that!
On the day of the game, the blues are all in the pub, and Vialli decides to
check the score. He gets the TV control and keys up teletext.
NEWCASTLE 0
CHELSEA 1 (Poyet, 10)
The lads all cheer, and get the drinks in. At ten to five, after some
serious drinking, he checks the text again.
NEWCASTLE 1 (Shearer, 90)
CHELSEA 1 (Poyet, 10)
Oh Red Card! cries Vialli. What the hell went wrong?!
They all leave the bar and jump into taxis to get back to the ground. They
rush in to find Poyet sitting in the dressing room with his head in his
hands.
Well, Gus, what the hell happened? says Vialli.
Gus shakes his head. It was all under control, he says. Everything was
great. Then that bastard referee sent me off in the 12th minute…
31
Dec
An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.
The old man looks at his son and asks…
Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?
The man curls his eyebrows and asks huh?
The old man gets up and says wait right here.
About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.
The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:
Ok, heres how it works…
If the boy grabs the beer hes gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards hes gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible hes gonna be a preacher.
The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts…
HOT DANG SON – HES A DEMOCRAT!
31
Dec
Whats the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??
Libertarians are anarchists with money.
Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.
Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.
Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.
Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.
Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.
Libertarians go to the police after theyve been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.
A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.
Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.
Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.
Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists arent organized in anything.
Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.
Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists dont care what libertarians think.