Old and New Jokes

A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states, Id like to apply for the job, plead!

The store owner replies, Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?

Nope! says the hare-lip.

Well OK, says the owner, Im in a hurry so Ill give you a shot. Ill be back at closing. And he leaves.

At closing the store owner comes back and asks the hare-lipped fellow, How many tooth brushes did you sell?

The hare-lip replies: I thold one tooth bruth

Just ONE? exclaims the owner, That will never do. Lets see how well you do tomorrow, Ill be back at closing

The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks the hare-lip how many tooth brushes he sold that day. The hare-lip replies, I thold one Tooth Bruth.

The owner is very upset at this news and says, One tooth brush will never do, Im afraid Ill have to let you go.

To which the hare-lip replies Oh No, plead dont let me go. Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do beddur.

So the owner gives him one more day and leaves.

The next day the owner returns to his store only to find thousands of empty tooth brush crates laying all over. He turns to the man and says, My Lord! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell today?

The hare-lip replies, I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Bruthes!

My, how on earth did you do that? replies the store owner.

Well you thee, replies the hare-lip, I went out into the mall and thet up thith table, and on one thide I put thom chipth, and on the other thide I put thome dipth. Then I put a big thine behind the table that read: Free Chipth & Dipth. Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth then they dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it.

Is that all? replied the owner.

Well no, said the hare-lip, after they ate it they would reply, Hey thith stuff tathed like shit! and then I would thay, It ith, … wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

So? How was it going last night? Cmon, tell me! Hows your wife? Uhh, fine I guess, shes lying on the bed smoking. Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore…

This is from my favorite cartoon from New Yorker cartoon album (l950-1955).

Two Africans in traditional costume, with hunting spears in hand, are standing beside a path in the brush as a white missionary (in clerical collar and all) passes.

One African answers the other: I dunno; they all look alike to me!

One day, a man rubbed a lamp.

Not surprisingly, a genie popped out of the lamp and said, You have three
wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, your boss gets twice
as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for.

The man said, Thats easy! I want a million dollars.

A big pile of cash appeared in front of him. Now, your boss has two million.

The man said, Never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want
a Mercedes.

A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, Now, your boss has
two of these.

The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, You
know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney!

Washington Native Americans
New York Very Tall People
Dallas Western-Style Laborers
L.A. Uninvited Guests
Minnesota Plundering Norsemen
Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.
San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts
New Orleans Pretty Good People
Phoenix Male Finches
Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes
Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden
Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals
Tampa Bay West Indies Freebooters
Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats
Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market
Indianapolis Young Male Horses
New England Zealous Lovers of Country
Atlanta Hovering Birds of Prey
Philadelphia Largely Non-Hovering Birds of Prey
Seattle Oceanic Birds of Prey
Tampa Bay Ocean-Going Unlawful Salvage Personnel
Houston Liquid Fossil Fuel Devotees
(or taking a different interpretation of oilers) Wheel Rotation Perpetuators
LA Male Horned Largely-Mountain Faring Ruminants
NY Air-Fed Inertial Reaction Propulsion Systems
Kansas-City Native American Leaders
Pittsburg Ferrous Heavy Industry Personnel
Cleveland Subtle Mixtures of 66% Red and 33% Green
San Diego High Voltage Capacitor Technicians
Buffalo Men Named William, On Familiar Terms With Associates

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, What are you up to there, Johhny?

Well, my goldfish died, replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,and Ive just buried him.

The neighbour was concerned, Thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isnt it?

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied… Thats because hes inside your cat!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrists office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

Doctor, my memorys gone. Gone! I cant remember my wifes name.

Cant remember my childrens names. Cant remember what kind of car I drive.

Cant remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!

Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?

Like what?

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. Hes off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. Its a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. Hes gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. Hes got great hands.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery! Martha replies, Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? The man responds, I dont care. Just so long as youre out of the house by noon!

I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months – I dont like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. Its a womans job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Dont be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why cant Helen Keller drive? Shes a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a womans watch? You dont…theres a clock on the oven!

Whats long, black, and smells funny?

The Welfare LINE!