Old and New Jokes

Department Store Santa Pet Peeves

As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Kids who refuse to believe thats fruitcake on your breath, not gin
When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
Even with the costume, people recognizing you from Americas Most Wanted
Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
That billionaire elf from Texas who wont shut up about running for president
Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
Kids who dont understand that Santas been a little jittery since he got back from Nam
Constantly being asked, Is Rudolph gay?
Two words: lap rash

How many mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how
the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light
bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please
take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use
light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail
list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,
where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best
for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light
bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant
to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add Me Too.

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the Me Toos to say, Me Three.

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.

143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

MAN: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.

GOD: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.

MAN: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.

GOD: I know I made them for her so you would love her.

MAN: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.

GOD: I know..I made her that way so she could love YOU!

How to Tell if Youre a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Years resolutions:

1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points — nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to

100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Happy Holidays to one and all!

Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.

Well, said Lenny, I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi.

Wait a minute, Moe replied. Didnt you read that book I lent you, The Other Side of the Story, about the command to judge other people favorably? Ill bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irvings behavior.

Yeah, like what?

Maybe hes sick and needs to go to the hospital.

Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab – hes healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis.

Well, maybe his wifes having a baby.

She had one last week.

Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital.

Shes home.

Well, maybe hes running to the hospital to get a doctor.

He *is* a doctor.

Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital.

The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction.

Well, maybe he forgot that its Shabbos!

Of course he knows its Shabbos. Didnt you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week.

Wow, youre a really observant! I didnt even notice he was wearing a tie.

How could you not notice? Didnt you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. Whatll it be? the bartender says.

The duck says, I think Ill have the grapes. Well, Im sorry sir, but this is a bar, we dont serve grapes here. Now, Ill let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. Ok, you got your order? The duck nods, saying, Ill think Ill have the grapes.

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, Look Mac, we dont have any grapes here. This is a bar. We dont serve grapes, so what will you have?!

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, Ill have the grapes.

The bartender, enraged, shouts, If you ask for the grapes one more time Im going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!

The bartender cools off a bit. Now what will you get?! Got any nails? OF COURSE WE DONT HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?

Good, got any grapes?

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firms
senior chef had passed away unexpectedly.

Is Mr. Smith there? asked the client on the phone.

I am very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night, the receptionist
answered.

Is Mr. Smith there? repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed, Perhaps you did not understand me. I am
afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.

Is Mr. Smith there? asked the client again.

Madam, do you understand what I am saying? said the exasperated
receptionist, Mr. Smith is dead.

I understand you perfectly, the client sighed, I just cannot hear it
often enough.

A man is walking down the streets of Manhattan with his kid. All of a sudden they stop in front of a park and the man comments to his son … Just think, not too long ago the Twin Towers used to be here …

So the son asks him with an intrigued look in his face: Dad, what were the Twin Towers?

They were two very tall buildings with lots of offices, but 31 years ago a bunch of terrorists from the middle east crashed a plane into each one and they collapsed.

The son, with a look of total innocence asked, Dad, what was the middle east?

Dear Santa,

Were worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.

The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have a clear-cut case of rosacea, a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.

Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion … all things you may encounter this time of year.

The one bright note in Dr. Litts message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs.

OBESITY

Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. Weve seen the pictures; weve noticed you in the malls. And weve heard that your tummy shakes like a bowlful of jelly when you chuckle. On this, well take part of the blame. All these years, weve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve.

With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe its time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING

Youve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed its only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmokers risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipes just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, youre not just a saint, youre a role model.

STRESS

Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news A medical news service says laughter – as evidenced by your trademark Ho, ho, ho – is one of the best stress-busters going.

SOOT

We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY)

Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year weve noticed youre also receiving, and answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES

Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA

You usually bundle up, and thats good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS

You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE

Its been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER)

This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS

A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, dont you?

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS

Weve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and wed sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load.

JET LAG

Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do.

SKYJACKERS

Okay, youve been lucky so far, but theyre out there. Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that youre still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas. But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us, you DO have insurance, dont you?

Sincerely,

Jack Brown

Seattle, Washington