Old and New Jokes

When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count if you dont eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of ones personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

It wasnt until after Sue Quirke had shredded the postcard that she discovered it was her tax rebate check — one of millions sent to Wisconsin taxpayers this week. I just thought it was an advertisement for a free something or other, Quirke said. Quirkes bank has declined to take the check – which she patched back with tape – because it would not go through any of its machines. The state is sending $700 million in tax rebate checks to 2.5 million taxpayers as part of a tax relief package.

The rebates feature a sales tax logo on the back and a quote from Gov. Tommy Thompson: Its your money! The state Department of Revenue said it included the logo and quote to prevent people from tossing the card out.

But Willard Riemer, owner of Riemers Flowers in Thiensville, said the quote from Thompson made him think the postcard was a piece of campaign literature.

Important stuff from the state usually comes in a yellow envelope, Riemer said. I think they could have done a better job in packaging checks.

Source – Associated Press

One March day my wife said that the house needed painting. Its still winter, I replied. Forget it.



In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.



In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. Arent you ashamed? she asked. How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?



Glancing up at my wife, I responded, She doesnt like beer.

Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school.Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. Dad, he says, you wont believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!Thats absolutely amazing! his father says. How do I get him in that program?Just send him down here with $1000, the boy says, Ill get him into the course.So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.So hows Fido doing, son? his father asks.Awesome, dad, hes talking up a storm, he says, but you just wont believe this – theyve had such good results with this program, that theyve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!READ!? says his father, No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?Just send $2,500, Ill get him in the class. His father sends the moneyThe boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. Wheres Fido? I just cant wait to see him talk and read something!Dad, the boy says, I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked: Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messing around with that cute little redhead next door?The father says, I hope you SHOT that damn dog.I sure did, Dad! I sure did!

Yes, motherhood changes everything. But motherhood also changes with
each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

Third baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.

The Babys Name

First baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.

Second baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis,
right? It might as well be you.

Third baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth

First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

Second baby: You dont bother practising because you remember that last
time, breathing didnt do a thing.

Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette

First baby: You prewash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.

Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

Third baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?

Worries

First baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you
pick up the baby.

Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.

Third baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.

Activities

First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.

Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.

Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.

At Home

First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

Second baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

Third baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.

The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.

The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.

And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain. Man: So what happened thats so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain. Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.

Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just cant explain.

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask Why do we have to learn this stuff?

To save lives. the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. So how does physics save lives? he persisted.

It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school, replied the professor.