Old and New Jokes

How do you make a blonde go crazy?

Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!

A guy just died and hes at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, You know, I cant see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED – youre in.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leaders chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! Youre all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!

St. Peter, impressed, says, Really? When did this happen?

Oh, about two minutes ago.

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

1. Freudian Virus

Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friends hard drive.

2. Lorena Bobbit Virus

Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

3. Tonya Harding Virus

Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

4. Paul Revere Virus

Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:

5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus

Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

6. Ollie North Virus

Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus

Only attacks minor files.

8. Ronald Reagan Virus

Saves your data, but forgets where its stored.

9. Jane Fonda Virus

Attacks your hard drives FAT.

10. Oprah Winfrey Virus

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

11. AT&T Virus

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

12. MCI Virus

Every three minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus.

13. Politically Correct Virus

Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic microorganism.

14. Ross Perot Virus

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus

Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.

16. Government Economist Virus

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

18. Adam and Eve Virus

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

19. Congressional Virus #1

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

20. Congressional Virus #2

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.

21. Airline Virus

Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

22. PBS Virus

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus

Your programs can never be found again.

24. LAPD Virus

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defense.

25. O.J. Virus

It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

A Collection of T Shirt sayings

-Son of Baglady

-Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once

-The Hunchback of Notre Dames secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my
hump.

-Whats good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.

-We have them just where they want us.
J. T. Kirk

-Id rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a
plane built by the post office.

-Just because youre not paranoid doesnt mean theyre not out to
get you.

-I figure Im pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening
to an expert. Keep talking.

-Money cant buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a
couple of hours.

-The meek shall inherit the Earth after were done with it.

-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the
ground and miss. –Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

-Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.

-Reality is a crutch for people who cant face drugs.

-When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.–Art Denman

-Sex is a disrobic experience

-Beam me up, Scotty. Theres no intelligent life down here.–J.T. Kirk

-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from
mediocre minds.–Albert Einstein

-Time flies when you dont know what youre doing.

-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

-We are the people our parents warned us about.

-Dont take life too seriously. Youll never get out of it alive.

-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

-How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

-There is intelligent life on Earth, but Im just visiting.

-Power means not having to respond.

-Onward, through the fog.

-Never kick a man unless hes down.

-Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

-We should forgive our enemies, but only after theyve been taken
out and shot.

-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that
youve got it made.

-Im not as dumb as you look.

-Id like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe Ill have another
beer.

-How can I love you if you wont lie down?

-Id rather be pissed off than pissed on.

-You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the
dictionary.

-When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble,
delegate.

-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

-Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

-Im not going deaf. Im ignoring you.

-Im the person your mother warned you about.

-How can I tell you I love you when youre sitting on my face?

-God is dead and I want His job.

-Work is the curse of the drinking class.

-I can tell youre lying. Your lips are moving.

-Our parents were never our age.

-Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.

-Theres nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

-In the country of the blind the one eyed man is lynched.

-He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.

-Its hard to soar like an eagle when youre surrounded by
turkeys.

-When Im good, Im very good. But when Im bad Im better.–Mae West

-Im really enjoying not talking to you, so lets not talk again
real soon, okay?

-He who laughs last didnt get the joke.

-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

-You cant fall off the floor.

-Death is the greatest kick of all. Thats why they save it for
last.

-Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.–Mae West

-Im not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.

-I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

-I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with
the lost.

-Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.

-Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

-Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

-I worship the ground that awaits you.

-The future isnt what it used to be.

-I wish you were a beer.

-I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

-Love means telling you why youre sorry.

-Love your enemies. Itll make em crazy.

-Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

-Im having a party in my pants. Want to come?

-Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be
impossible?

-Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.

-Better dead than mellow.

-If I follow you home will you keep me?

-A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

-There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.

-Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They
merely adjust the compass.

-The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your
fish it dies

-Its better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and
not have it.

-You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word.

-Dont think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
keep a total stranger alive. Its really a total stranger giving
up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to
the stupidity of your action.

-Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.

-Kite fliers keep it up longer.

-My human experience is just beginning (This one on a little
kids shirt)

-If you dont know what youre doing, do it neatly.

-An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
complex, incomprehensible truth.

-You have a right to your opinions. I just dont want to hear
them.

-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
you for the rest of the day.

-Nuke the whales

-Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting,
unusual people and kill them.

-Well get along fine as soon as you realize Im God.

-Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less
shit you have to eat.

-I dont know. I dont care. And it doesnt make any difference.

-Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to
those of us who do.

-When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one
Ive never tried before.

-Its not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are
such fools.

-If you cant dazzle em with brilliance, baffle em with
bullshit.

-Im not cynical. Just experienced.

-The torture never stops.

-Ignore alien orders.

-I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard
was not what I meant.

-Im not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.

-Bend over. Ill drive.

-I dont have a drinking problem.
I drink,
I get drunk,
I fall down,
No problem.

-Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.

-We dive at five.

-Id walk over you to see the Who.

-Its hard to be humble when youre as great as I am.

-Im for lust.

-I want a meal, not a snack.

-Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your
brain.

-The word today is Legs … Spread the word.

-Biodegradable

We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and relaxation. What better place than Rome, thought Count Dracula, and he immediately packed his bags and set off for a weeks visit. He caught the first plane out of Transylvania and headed for the Eternal City.

Tired and hungry after his long journey, he called room service as soon as he had arrived at his hotel room. Since nothing on the room service menu seemed appealing, he simply ordered a sandwich. Dracula quickly grabbed the waiter who delivered the sandwich, bit him hungrily on the neck, drank his blood completely, and tossed him out the window, where the bloodless waiter fell ten stories to land at the feet of an itinerant street singer.

The Counts hunger was great, however, and he decided he needed room service again. He ordered another sandwich and when it arrived, he immediately grabbed the room-service waiter, bit his neck, drank all his blood and tossed him out the window. The waiter landed directly on the same street singer ten floors below the window.

Well, you may know how vampires are. They have huge appetites and Dracula needed more. He then drank the blood from a third waiter and tossed him out the same window.

When the third Italian waiter fell at the feet of the street singer, the singer could only respond by singing: Drained wops keep falling on my head.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/

1. American Express calls and says: Leave home without it!

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. Youre formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. Youve rolled so many pennies, youve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

5. Long distance companies dont call you to switch.

6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7. Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.

8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

10. Your bologna has no first name.

11. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.

12. Sally Struthers sends you food.

13. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

14. At communion you go back for seconds.

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, Honey, you know were not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the mans old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.

When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.

A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the Up arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde youve ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.

The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, Son, go git yer Ma.

You might be a redneck if…
You think cur is a breed of dog.

SIGNS YOUVE BEEN IN CORPORATE AMERICA TOO LONG…

You decide to re-organize your family into a team-based organization.

You refer to dating as test marketing.

You actually know what a paradigm is.

You can spell paradigm.

You write executive summaries on your love letters.

Your Valentines Day cards have bullet points.

You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a
performance review.

You believe you never have any problems in your life,
just issues and improvement opportunities.

You can explain to somebody the difference between
re-engineering, down-sizing, right-sizing, and firing
people.

You use the term value-added without laughing.

A tourist in San Francisco is walking around in Chinatown and sees a sign that says Moishe Plotniks Chinese Laundry. Moishe Plotnik??? Where the heck does that come from???

So he walks in and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. He asks, How did a place like this get a name like Moishe Plotniks Chinese Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.


The tourist asks, Well who and where is the owner?


Me right here, replies the old man.


You? How did YOU get a name like Moishe Plotnik?

Is simple…Many year ago when come to this country, standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, Whats your name? He say, Moishe Plotnik. Then she look at me and go, What your name? I say, Sem Ting….