A man goes to Fredericks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

This is $200, she says.

I want one thats more sheer, says he.

This one is $350.

I want it even more sheer than that.

This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.

Ill take it!

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me.

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not.

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.

So, how do you like it? she says.

Damn, youd think for $500, theyd at least iron the damn thing!

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, hell pay $7.00, but hell make $18,550.

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Next year, hell make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isnt it?

…

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Thanks for the mail from those who enjoyed previous postings of anecdotes.
For the interested (and the record) these are mainly taken from THE LITTLE
BROWN BOOK OF ANECDOTES, edited by Clifton Fadiman.

In his legal practice, Abraham Lincoln was never greedy for fees
and discouraged unnecessary litigation. A man came to him in a passion,
asking him to bring a suit for $2.50 against an impoverished debtor.
Lincoln tried to dissuade him, but the man was determined upon revenge.
When he say that the creditor was not to be put off, Lincoln asked for
and got $10 as his legal fee. He gave half of this to the defendant,
who thereupon willingly confessed to the debt and paid up the $2.50,
thus settling the matter to the entire satisfaction of the irate
plaintiff.

In Paris for the funeral of French president Georges Pompidou in
1974, Nixon remarked, This is a great day for France.

Shortly after John F. Kennedy blocked the hike in steel prices
in 1961, he was visited by a businessman who expressed wariness about
the national economy. Things look great, said JFK. Why, if I wasnt
president, Id be buying stocks myself.

If you werent president, said the businessman, so would I.

Harveys friends all call him the better-luck-next-time inventor. In case youre wondering why, heres a partial list of his inventions:

Preparation G (a soothing rectal ointment).
The Salvation Navy (charitable organization designed to help the needy).
6-Up (a clear, bubbly, soft-drink).
Wolksvagen (a small car Harvey has dubbed the WV).
Whitejack (card game where you try to reach 22 points before going bust).
The Star Bangled Spanner (a song intended to become our National Anthem).
Nice Krispies (breakfast cereal that goes snip, crickle, pip when milk is added.)
Dogsup (tasty condiment for hamburgers, hot-dogs, etc.)
Five-shooter (a five shot revolver).

3 Biggest Software Lies:

The programs fully tested and bugfree.
Were working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:

As long as you remember to SAVE your input, youll never lose any
files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say let the marketplace decide.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:

We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:

Immediate delivery?…No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
Were going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Engineering Professors Lies:

Some day this course will come in handy.
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
This is the way they do it in industry.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:

Money…its just a score card.
If it were up to me, thered be no assigned parking spaces.
You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

3 Biggest Hardware Lies:

We always design for testablilty.
It worked fine on the proto board.
That would be much easier to implement in software.

What is the difference between a newfie and a bucket of shit…

Answer… The Bucket

yo mama is so fat one time she went whale watching and every whale that saw her started singing we aare family all my brother sisters and me;]

A
man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot
gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl
behind the counter.
"But were not a real bank" replies the
girl. "This is a sperm bank, we dont hold money".
"Dont argue just open the safe or Ill blow
your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe
door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But its full of sperm" the girl replies
nervously.
"Dont argue, just drink it" he says.
She prys off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!"
he demands.
The girl drinks another one.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girls
amazement its her husband…….
"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?

A1: So they dont shit everywhere when you pull their tits.

A2: So that when you pull their tits, they dont moo.

He used Ark-Hives.(archives)