Old and New Jokes

Your momma so fat…she fell in love and broke it.

Your momma so fat…shes on both sides of the family tree.

Your momma so fat she broke the family tree.

Pregnancy humor which I lifted from Joyce Armors 1989 book The Dictionary According to Mommy.

afterpainsa chance to relive the highlights of your labor.
amnesiathe condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
anestheticthe painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.
bladderthe only part of Mommy that Baby flattens like a pancake during the last few weeks of pregnancy.
constipationNatures way of making pregnant women practice pushing.
due-datewhat only seems light-years away.
eating for twoa nice way to say pigging out.
false laborall stressed up and nowhere to go.
forcepsgiant baby tweezers.
hard labora redundancy, like working mother.
hospitalthe last place Mommy will get to rest until the next time she gives birth.
impregnablea woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
labor coachthe person who reminds you to breathe during labor.
misconceptiona pregnancy that begins while using birth control.
modestywhat women in labor soon get over.
morning sicknessan opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean.
natural gasyet another nagging symptom of pregnancy.
paradoxtwo obstetricians.
poetic justicewhen your friend who had a pleasant pregnancy and easy delibery has a colicky baby.
preconceiveto get pregnant before you intended to.
ultrasoundthe noise a crying baby makes.
unconscioushow youd like to be throughout your next pregnancy.
uterusthe tiny organ that stretches during pregnancy to the size of the Superdome.

Insert…
Remove…
Repeat…

A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didnt produce the desired results.

Have you been taking them regulary? the doctor asked.

What do you think Ive been doing, the Pole said, Shoving them up my ass?

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,…But theyll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it…In the name of the Father, The Son…Amen

The priest said,What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied, Its outside taking care of my bike!

One day in the University of Wisconsin health center, two college girls are in for a check up. The doctor asks the first one to remove all of her clothes and checks her out head to toe. Everything looks fine, except that there was a giant letter W on her chest. He asked the girl how that happened, and the girl explained that her boyfriend plays basketball for the school and he likes to have sex with his jersey on. Last night after a big win, they had the most passionate sweatiest nastiest sex and it got so hot, that parts of the W on the jersey melted it onto her skin. The doctor decides that the girl will be okay and lets her go. Next, he asks the other girl to do the same. He sees another W on her chest. He checks her out head to toe and then he asks if she is dating an athlete from this school too. The girl replies, No, but my girlfriend plays field hockey for the University of Maryland.

I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Little Rock (AP) Authorities today confirmed that a fire struck early this morning in the library of the Clintons personal residence here in Little Rock. Despite heroic efforts by the Little Rock Fire Department, both books were destroyed.

In Washington, a White House spokesperson was quoted as saying: Mr Clinton is very upset. He had several pictures left to color in the one book, and he was just starting to get that staying in the lines thing down.

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table… then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The fathers plan was: If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, Im afraid our son will be a drunkard.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality …then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: Darn, its even worse than I could ever have imagined.. Our son is going to be a politician!