One day a teen goes up to his dad and says
Dad guess What…
His dad says what..
The teen goes dad I got a 500 pound piece of ass today

His dad goes…Your Mothers

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.” After this, the old guy started practising black magic. All the dissapeareces of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him. At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbour comes up to her and says, “Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?” The old lady camly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around.”

What were Michael Jacksons babys first words?

"Which ones Mommy?"

Ten most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some matching replies.

At the movies:When you meet acquaintances/friends …

Q: Hey, what are you doing here?

A: Well, its so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought Id watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.

In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet …

Q: Sorry, did that hurt?

A: No, not at all, Im on local anesthesia … Why dont you try again or should I try this time?

At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask …

Q: Why, why him, of all people?

A: Why? Would it rather have been you?

At a restaurant:When you ask the waiter …

Q: Is the blah blah blah dish good?

A: No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit into it …

At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years …

Q: Munna, Chickoo, youve become so big …

A: Well you havent particularly shrunk yourself.

When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask …

Q: Is the guy youre marrying good?

A: No, hes a miserable wife-beating, insensitive clout … its just the money.

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call …

Q: Sorry. were you sleeping.

A: No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair …

Q: Hey have you had a haircut?

A: No, its autumn and Im shedding …

At the dentist when hes sticking pointed objects in your mouth …

Q: Tell me if it hurts?

A: And while Im telling you, you tell me if I bite.

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks …

Q: Oh, so you smoke!

A: No, its a miracle … it was a chalk and now its in flames!!!

One night, a father passed by his sons room and heard his son praying: God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.

The father didnt quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his sons door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctors early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, Thank God youre here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!

You know youve lost your status of Cool when:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. Sex becomes all that foolishness.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your sons new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your fathers advice.

You dont know how to operate a fax machine or a VCR.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric companys complaint department to ask for help.

The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much., said the nun.

Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade., said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, I think the term they actually use is fucking shovel!.

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat. The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft.

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since youve had a cigarette? Ten years!, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good! Then she asked, How long has it been since youve had a drink of whiskey? He replies, Ten years! She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, Wow, thats fantastic ! Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since youve had some REAL fun?

And the man replies, My God ! Dont tell me that youve got golf clubs in there!

Whats the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One goes "Ribbit" and the other goes "Rubbit."

What do you call a fratboy in a suit?

The defendant.