Old and New Jokes

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,

because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live

forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live

forever.

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the

world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that

but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

— Mariah Carey

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same

reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered

other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.

— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22

I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part

of your life.

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates

in the country.

— Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

— Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Im not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We

are the president.

— Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.

— Former French President Charles De Gaulle

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,

and Im just the one to do it.

— A congressional candidate in Texas

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots

and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is

to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

I dont feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

— John Wayne

Half this game is ninety percent mental.

— Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.

— General William Westmoreland

Its like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.

— Rev. Jesse Jackson

I dont know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except

maybe everyone else in America.

— President William Jefferson Clinton

What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.

— Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.

— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again…

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

Funny you should come to me, said the Rabbi. Like you I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

What did you do? asked the Lawyer.

I turned to God for the answer replied the Rabbi.

And what did he say? pressed the Lawyer.

God said, Funny you should come to me…

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said, You know, John, why dont you try something unusual. Why dont you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her Im coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that–I dont know what else to do for you. It wouldnt hurt.

Well I might try something like that, said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. John! says the doc, Havent seen you in a while! Hows those headaches?

Great! Theyre all gone! Thanks for your advice! said John.

Hey, thats fantastic! said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

Say, Doc! yelled John, down the hall, Nice place you got there!

From Dennis Miller (paraphrased)

Ron Reagan (son) has a new talk show. I hope you all watch it. After
all we know what happens when a Reagan does badly in show business.

Congratulations!

You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of
years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR
GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE! YOU
ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT
ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE
SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON FAST
FORWARD, THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOURE JUST NOW
STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK
THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

Whats the only animal that has to be oiled? A mouse. Why? Cause it squeaks!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I sure didnt!

READING THE SIGNS :

How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements

Taken From Womens Glibber

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY SIGNS.

Woman wont unlock car door for man – Doesnt engage in oral sex
Man gets in car withour opening door for woman – No foreplay
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant – Prefers virgins
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way – Is a virgin
Cant hail a cab – Impotent
Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif – Compulsive Don Quixote
Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant – Compulsive Don Juan
Insisto on going to a Polynesian bar – Compulsive Don Ho
Wants to go to a French restaurant – Will swallow
Wants to go to a deli – Wont swallow
Takes too long deciding what to order – Has trouble reaching orgasm
Orders salad dressing on the side – Will give you a hand job, but will not go all the way
Gives explicit orders to waiter – Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed
Asks for extra rolls – Will say she is using birth control when shes not, will get pregnant and sue
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as The lady will have… – Thinks you had an orgasm when you didnt
Asks for The Usual – Insists on missionary position only
Asks what the specials are – Will want you to use handcuffs
Fills up on bread and crackers – Premature ejaculation
Doesnt finish everything on plate – Has already come
Insists on having some of whatever you orderded – Will make you sleep on the wet spot
Changes mind after ordering – Will never call you
Changes tables – Nyphomaniac
Drinks Decaf. – Fakes Orgasm (Female)
Orders in French – Fakes Orgasm (Male)
Sends food back – Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts – Needs you to talk dirty during sex
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers – Wants a handjob
Orders a dessert involving nuts – Castrating Bitch
Wants to split dessert – Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
Credit card is refused – Low sperm count
Undertips waiter – Small penis
Undertips parking valet – Small penis
Undertips cabbie – Small penis
Uses toothpick – Is trying to tell you size isnt everything
Removable cassette player in car – Pulls out repeatedly during sex
Cellular phone in car – Penile inplant

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and were on the trucks ready to go. From now on were going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, were going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled, Bell 1, and his wife took off all here clothes.

Bell 2, and his wife jumped into bed.

Bell3, and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled, Bell 4.

Whats this Bell 4? asked her husband.

More hose, she replied, Youre nowhere near the fire!

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.

Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said hed get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, Im marrying a lawyer and Im sure Im going to get screwed!