Old and New Jokes

They always remember the ala mode.(Alamo)

What did the Pollack do for his blind friends bachelor party?

He hired a stripper!

An impressionable New England college girl fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote her parents that she had … put the heart before the course.

One morning, two 80-year-old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other elderly man wasnt familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, Its the greatest thing Ive ever known. The Fountain of Youth! Makes you feel like a man of thirty.

The second man then asked, Can you get it over the counter?

You probably could, if you took two pills, replied the first man.

With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier
mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the
Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls
all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the
celebration of Easter. America Online spent a few minutes with the Easter
Bunny as he was preparing for this years task, for a tell-all,
no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you
just may be surprised.

America Online: Thanks for talking to us.

Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we
talk? (takes out a packet of small green pellets) Ive been in a rush
recently.

AOL: Go right ahead. Weve got a list of questions
here, compiled from our members, and Ill just go down the list if you
dont mind.

EB: Ready when you are.

AOL: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton,
Ohio. He writes: We
all know that Santas Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the
Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?

EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a
workshop. Its located in
San Bernardino, California.

AOL: San Bernardino?

EB: Thats right.

AOL: You have to understand that most people would
have figured some place
like Easter Island.

EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock!
Its the single most
isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh
eggs there, wed have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort
of motivated labor pool we need.

AOL: Elves?

EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.

AOL: They would seem to be a little overqualified.

EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate
stealth bombers.

AOL: Our next question comes from Cindy, in
Tempe. She writes: Why is
the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldnt it have been the Easter Kitty,
or the Easter Puppy?

EB: Thats a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an
organization decided to play around with the whole bunny thing by
recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In
1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny,
an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.

AOL: What happened?

EB: It just didnt work out. The komodo dragon ate
the eggs, the coyote
just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as
dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program,
too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp
Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know
bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies dont eat anyone.

AOL: Bob in Honolulu asks: Is there is just one
Easter Bunny? Moreover,
has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple
of millenia?

EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite
a few Easter Bunnies,
and weve never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus
operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy
delivers all those presents –

AOL: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?

EB: I didnt say that. I never said that. What I
am saying is that *we*
dont work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about
it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes
across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn
the poor guy into a bunny briquette. Thered be hideous charcoal
smudges all over the baskets. Easter Bunny is a job description,
not a proper name. Its like Postal Carrier, except our employees
very rarely become disgruntled.

AOL: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?

EB: Because Im boss. Youre not an Easter Bunny
until I say you are.

AOL: How does one become an Easter Bunny?

EB: Well, its not just hopping down the bunny
trail, Ill tell you.
First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After
that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical
tests you have to pass. We cant afford to have an Easter Bunny
cramp up at the beginning of his run.

AOL: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?

EB: I dont want to name names. But one bunny
whos making a living in
the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child
would try to get an Easter basket from him, hed back away and start
snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.

AOL: He seems to have gotten better since then.

EB: Prozac helps.

AOL: Albert from Coeur dAlene, Idaho, wants to
know what are the
occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.

EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a
problem, of course: one
moment youre delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a rottweiler
named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners
with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and
private security guards. We dont even bother trying to deliver to
the children of militia members anymore; first theyll plug you for
being on their land, then theyll make you into jerky and a pair of
gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?

AOL: What?

EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes well just
forget theyre there. Man,
thats embarrassing.

AOL: Heres an interesting question, from Amy, in
New York City. She
writes: How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It
seems like Santa gets all the attention. And I have to say, I did
notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.

EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know,
look. I dont want to say
anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I
do. Professionally, we get along fine.

AOL: But privately?

EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?

AOL: Uh…..sure.

EB: Hes a big ol pain in this bunnys
bottom. For one thing, hes a
prima donna: always me, me, me, wheres my highball, wheres my
corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing
room. Id rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For
another, hes totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that
Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it
was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving
his pistol and bellowing Rosebud! from the top of his lungs.

AOL: Wow. He seems a little scary.

EB: You think? And yet he gets all the
publicity. Why? We do the same
job. Mines actually tougher, since Im moving perishable stuff. You
cant have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldnt
stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only
food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the
Space Shuttle with fruitcake.

AOL: Were sure you have your own fans.

EB: Its like opening for the Beatles, is all. And
he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.

AOL: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford,
Illinois; Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that
happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?

EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay
eggs. So its not impossible.

AOL: That still leaves the male part.

EB: Were quibbling on details, here.

AOL: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.

EB: Sorry. We tried that in 78.

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

Ive got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you, he announced. Will the laziest man please put his hand up.

Nine hands went up.

Why didnt you put your hand up? he asked the tenth man.

Too much trouble, came the reply.

Dear Tide:

I have always used your product ever since my college days, because Mom says it was the best. One weekend about 3 months ago, I was at my girlfriends place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt.

She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon, before I knew what was happening, I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didnt do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive!

I cant praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags …

Thanks again!

Gary Condit

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why cant lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they cant eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesnt have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is? Its when a man wears everything a lesbian wont.

15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. Whats the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18. Whats the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? Ones a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said, and Ive decided to give your wife $275 a week.

Thats very fair, your honor, the husband said. And every now and then Ill try to send her a few bucks myself.