Attributed to Sir John A. MacDonald, Canadas first
prime minister :

Heckler : I wouldnt vote for you if you were the Angel Gabriel.

Sir John A. : My friend, youre so right; you wouldnt be in my
constituency.

I received this one from a girlfriend whose husband works at a mortuary.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
for her husbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants
her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black
suit that hes wearing?

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So… I switched the heads

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him. Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, "Im looking for Dorothy!"

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter the House) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter Claus) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as I), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter Mamma), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the Vehicle) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehivle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the Deer). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute gifts to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as lookouts. Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Or words to that effect.

Respectfully Submitted, s./

The Grinch

An American and an Israeli are busy bragging.

The American states, Oh yeah, well it was the Americans that put the first man on the moon!

The Israeli scoffs, Big deal. Israel is working on putting the first man on the SUN!!

The American re-scoffs, Idiot! You cant put a man on the sun … hell burn up!!

The Israeli smiles winningly, Shows how much you know … were going at night!

Top 26 Childrens Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.

26. Bob the Germs Wonderous Journey Into and Back Out of Your
Digestive System.

25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.

24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeers Games of Revenge.

23. Peter Rabbits Frisky Adventures.

22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The Hood.

21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.

20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.

19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.

18. The Tickling Babysitter

17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.

16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.

15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.

14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.

13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.

12. David Dukes World of Imagination.

11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.

10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.

9. Legends of Scab Football.

8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.

7. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer.

6. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Cant
Remember the Endings to All of them.

5. Ed Beckleys Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Moms
Purse.

4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.

3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.

2. Lets Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.

1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow.

The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.

He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.

After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead
of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule.

When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door, and took him to a pew
where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the ten commandments.

After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand
vigorously, and told him, I want to thank you, preacher, for saving my soul
today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the ten
commandments, I decided against it.

The preacher said, You mean the commandment I shall not steal changed your
mind?

The old man replied, No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that,
I remembered where I left my old hat!

Q: why is a mans pee yellow and his sperm white?

A: so he can tell ifs hes coming or going

Precious Lord, Take My Hand … And Help Me Up

It Is Well with My Soul … But My Knees Hurt

Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

Just a Slower Walk with Thee

Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

Go Tell It on the Mountain … But Speak Up

Give Me the Old Timers Religion

Blessed Insurance

and my all time favorite …

Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah … Ive Forgotten Where I Parked