Old and New Jokes

Thanks to Jim from Florida for the Joke.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After eating the sandwich, he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter, and prepares to leave.

The manager shouts, Where are you going? You ate your food, shot my waiter, and now youre leaving without paying!

The panda responds, I am a panda – thats what pandas do. If you dont believe me, look it up.

With that, the panda slammed a dictionary on the table and exited the restaurant.

The manager, being curious, grabbed the dictionary and checked the definition for a panda. He read, A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, Honey, I want you to know that I havent wasted all this time alone. Instead, Ive mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

Now watch, he said. Next he said, Dick, ten-HUT! And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, Dick, at EASE! And his dick deflated again.

Wow, that was amazing, said his wife. Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? Its really something else!

The guy responded that he didnt mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guys full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, Now watch this. Then he said Dick, ten-HUT! and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was Dick, at EASE! But nothing happened. So the guy again said, Dick, at EASE! But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!! Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

What in the world are you doing!? she asked.

The guy says… Im givin this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

Why did the fish Blush?

Because it saw the oceans bottom.

This comes from Herve Negres Dictionnaire des histoires droles, Livre de Poche.

This guy and this gal had just finished making love. He whispered in her ear, Tell me, am I the first?

Of course you are, my darling, she answered, but why do all you men have the same question?

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. What would you say if I told you that Ive been sleeping with your best friend? she asked provocatively. Well, he mused, Id have to say that youre a lesbian!

[Ed: This is a variant of a joke that went before. Thats something I
do not usually do. In this case, the punchline is sufficiently different.]

My girlfriend told me this one:

Pres. Bush, (NY) Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ) Gov. Florio are flying on
a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his
name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio
very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo
responded that he had just won two votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred
dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.
This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this
action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from
the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the
world he just killed two Governors. The President responded,
Simple, I just won two states.

Sick of writing C/Pascal/Ada? This is probably enough to make COBOL
programming very attractive:

An ad in Tuesdays Australian, back page, right-hand column:
(copied without permission)

BANKING EXPR NOT NECESSARY
(4)COBOL PROGS…….To 434K++
Low Interest Loans
19 Day Month

With this sort of income, banking experience would soon be obtained.

Brad Broom
brad@uqcspe.oz

PS: Anyone got a good COBOL textbook theyd like to part with?

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, If you dont stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon. Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, Uh-oh … I know what YOUVE been doing.

You might be a redneck if…
Your babys favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
The lights are on but nobodys home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter