A man wants to celebrate his wifes Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says lets put, you are not getting older you are getting better. The salesman asks, how do you want me to put it? The man says, Well put You are not getting older, at the top and You are getting better at the bottom. The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake You are not getting older at the top, You are getting better at the bottom.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
You have so much to live for, said the sailor. Look, Im off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
What are you doing here? asked the captain.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she replied. He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus hes screwing me.
He certainly is, replied the captain. This is the Staten Island Ferry.

• You Were an Accident

• Strangers Have the Best Candy

• The Little Sissy Who Snitched

• Some Kittens Can Fly!

• The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion

• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face

• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

• Wheres Godot?

• Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

• The Attention Deficit Disorder Associations Book of Wild Animals of North Amer. Hey! Lets Go Ride Our Bikes!

• All Dogs Go to Hell

• The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

• When Mommy and Daddy Dont Know the Answer They Say God Did It

• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

• Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

• Bi-Curious George

• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

• Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver

• You Are Different and Thats Bad

• Why God Burned Down Disney Land

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.

When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

My wife and I, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days! And then the mud fell off

My wife told me her car wasnt working well – there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I asked my wife: Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

She said: Somewhere I have never been!

I told her: How about the kitchen?

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling: Am I too late for the garbage?

No. Jump In!

My wife is on a new diet – coconuts and bananas. She hasnt lost weight, but she can now climb a tree!

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them.

The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, What are you doing? Running shoes arent going to help, you cant outrun that bear.

I dont need to, said the first man, I just need to outrun you.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want. The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, You have 356 sheep. The farmer exclaims, Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. Oh no, he says, you cant have that one. Why not? asks the blonde, you said I could have any sheep I wanted. And the farmer says, Maam, thats my dog.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but
I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me.

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light
it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, …, at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his teams woeful record:

We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.