Old and New Jokes

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldnt be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please sont let me be late to church. Please dont let me be late to church….” And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, “Please, God dont let me be late to church — but dont shove me either!

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.

The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.

So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, Oh! Youre a lawyer?

He said, Why yes I am!

She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.

When she asked what was so funny, he answered, Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.

What do you mean its illegal? asked the Englishmen.

Quattro means four replies the Italian official.

Quattro is just the name of the automobile, the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.

Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.

You canta pulla thata one ona me, replies the Italian customs agent.

Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakina the law.

The Englishmen replies angrily, You idiot! Call your supervisor over – I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

Sorry, responds the Italian official, he canta come. Hesa busy with 2 guys in a Uno.

Because 7 8 9.

You might be a redneck if…
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Here is a joke I heard on television. As far as I know, it hasnt been sent
here before.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?

Andy says, I would switch the points for one of the trains.

What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.

Then Id dash down out of the signal box, said Andy, and Id use the manual
lever over there.

What if that had been struck by lightning?

Then, Andy continues, Id run back into the signal box and phone the next
signal box.

What if the phone was engaged?

Well in that case, persevered Andy, Id rush down out of the box and use
the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

What if that was vandalised?

Oh well then Id run into the village and get my uncle Silas.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, Why would you do that?

Came the answer, Because hes never seen a train crash.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1…What are you thinking about?

2…Do you love me?

3…Do I look fat?

4…Do you think she is prettier than me?

5…What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a…Baseball. b…Football. c…How fat you are. d…How much prettier she is than you. e…How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include: a…Oh Yeah, crap loads. b…Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c…That depends on what you mean by love. d…Does it matter? e…Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are: a…Compared to what? b…I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin. c…A little extra weight looks good on you. d…Ive seen fatter. e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

a…Yes, but you have a better personality. b…Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c…Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d…Define pretty. e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is Buy a Corvette and a Boat). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-dont you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry? MAN: Okay, Id get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed WOMAN: – – – silence – – – MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Q. What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake? A. A milk shake!

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. Every time we make love, she said, I get splinters!

So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.

Sandpaper my boy, thats what you need, was the carpenters response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, How are you getting on with the girls now?

Who needs girls? replied Pinnochio!