Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar in Argentina. He sees a familiar character, albeit much older now, sitting at the bar. He approaches, examines his face, and asks:

Excuse me, but arent you Adolf Hitler?

Vy yes, I am Adolf Hitler.

But I thought you were dead!

Ach. I get a lot of dat. But in fact, I am chust biding my time, planning a scheme to kill fifty million Jews and eight of der Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

What? the guy exclaims. Why would you want to kill eight of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders?

Hitler turns to another fellow sitting at the bar next to him. You see vat I mean? Nobody gives a damn about da Jews!!!

Hello, my name is Kathy. I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone to whom you send his email, $1000? How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, Ill get laid by every good looking model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them.

If youre going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. Ive seen all the send this to 10 of your closest friends and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about 90 times. I dont fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what youre actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, its your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter thats threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If its funny, send it on. Dont piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter hell receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Yeah… right!

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back?
A dirty double crosser

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, hed start counting 10, 9,

8….

Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying Bach, Bach, Bach…

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

Why? asks the father.

The teacher asked How much is 2×3? I said 6

But thats right!

Then she asked me How much is 3×2?

His father asks, Whats the fucking difference?

Johnny says, Thats exactly what I said!

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and….

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel?

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.

Question: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Just one … but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!

An Ice-cream man getting mugged.

A while ago somebody reminded me this old Eastern-European joke. I cannot
give any source – this is folklore.

An old Jew and a young Jew are traveling on the train. The young
Jew asks: Excuse me, what time is it? The old Jew does not
answer. Excuse me, sir, what time is it? The old Jew keeps
silent. Sir, Im asking you what time is it. Why dont you
answer?! The old Jew says: Son, the next stop is the last on
this route. I dont know you, so you must be a stranger. If I
answer you now, Ill have to invite you to my home. Youre handsome,
and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love
and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a
son-in-law who cant even afford a watch?