Old and New Jokes

Socialism: You have two cows, you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have two cows, the government takes both and gives you the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows, the government takes both and keeps the milk.
Naziism: You have two cows, the government takes both and shoots you.
Capitalism: You have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
Histadrut [General Federation of Labour] Rule: You have two cows, they take both, shoot one, milk the other, and spill the milk.

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says, God, its hot in here. And the other sausage says, Oh my god, its a talking sausage!

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:

Energy efficient vehicle.

Runs on oats and grass.

Caution … Do not step on exhaust.

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!, which the guy took to mean pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said Fujifoo.

The Japanese clients looked confused and said What do you mean, wrong hole.

The following phrase:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA can be rearranged (with no letters

left over, and using each letter only once) into:

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Coincidence? I think not!

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesnt have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One Taco short of a Combo Meal.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer!
The cheese slid of his cracker.
Body by Fisher Price, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2 but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldnt pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
Too much yardage between the posts.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimneys clogged.
Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesnt know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesnt go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machines out of thread.
Her antenna doesnt pick up all the channels.
His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on her remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Id accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wifes father died and left us two million dollars.

You might be a redneck if…
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.

When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete the woman thanks the judge and says Now I have to arrange for a Get.

The judge inquires what she means by a Get. So, the woman explains that a Get is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce.

The judge says, You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?

She replies Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck.

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!

The other guy looks at him and declares, I did not!