Old and New Jokes

A new law recently passed in Arkansas.

When a couple is divorced, they can still legally be brother and sister.

My wife and I, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days! And then the mud fell off

My wife told me her car wasnt working well – there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

I asked my wife: Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

She said: Somewhere I have never been!

I told her: How about the kitchen?

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling: Am I too late for the garbage?

No. Jump In!

My wife is on a new diet – coconuts and bananas. She hasnt lost weight, but she can now climb a tree!

Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.

The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them.

The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, What are you doing? Running shoes arent going to help, you cant outrun that bear.

I dont need to, said the first man, I just need to outrun you.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and
his wife didnt want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put
it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but
I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me.

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure
for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This
doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light
it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldnt be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to
his ear and began to count, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, …, at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand.

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want. The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, You have 356 sheep. The farmer exclaims, Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. Oh no, he says, you cant have that one. Why not? asks the blonde, you said I could have any sheep I wanted. And the farmer says, Maam, thats my dog.

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his teams woeful record:

We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play.

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

A livestock exhibition was held at a nearby stud farm. Farmers from neighboring provinces flocked to the station to see the blue ribbon animals. A couple came to witness the event. Standing before the stall of a champion bull, the wife asked the proud owner how many times a week did the bull perform his stud duties.

Oh, it depends, replied the owner.About four or five times on the average.

Did you hear that. she turned to her husband,mentally comparing the latters sexual performance. Four or five times per week!

And how many cows would be serviced by that bull? the husband asked the owner.

Oh, about four or five cows a week? was the reply.

Did you hear that? remarked the husband triumphantly.With a different cow each time!!!!

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! Whats WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there aint nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

(I dont know where this joke comes from originally; I heard it from
my father, who says he heard it many years ago and doesnt remember
from whom.)

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans
to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with
weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing
all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to
bless the mans work, saying, May you and God work together to make
this the farm of your dreams!

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, its like a completely different place–the
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is
plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat
rows. Amazing! the preacher says. Look what God and you have
accomplished together!

Yes, reverend, says the farmer, but remember what the farm
was like when God was working it alone!