Old and New Jokes

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A stick.

You can sleep with a light on.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.



Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no he replies.



Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him. she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. Im afraid I cant breathes the barman – clearly in trouble. Is there snything I can do?



Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?

The judges face went red and he roared, It most certainly would not! Id add another two years onto your sentence!

The defendant nodded and then asked, Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.

The defendant smiled and said, Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

Yo mama is so poor, she had to get a part-time job painting skittles.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed by thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill
againt us
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.

BAR MEN

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didnt say anything.

He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.

And the moral of the story: Dont work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.The blonde thought a bit and then finally said Better make it four, Id never be able to eat eight.

1) Everyone around you has an attitudeproblem.2) Youre adding chocolate chips to yourcheese omelet.3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair ofyour jeans.4) Your man is suddenly agreeing toeverything you say.5) Youre using your cellular phone to dial upevery bumper sticker that says, "Hows my driving- call 1-800-***-****."6) Everyones head looks like an invitation tobatting practice.7) Youre convinced theres a God and hesmale.8) Youre counting down the days untilmenopause.9) Youre sure that everyone is scheming todrive you crazy.10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and youbought it yesterday.