Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants?

A: To keep his ankles warm!

Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe.

So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes.

A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: As your neighbours, we are deeply touched you requested our help, etc. etc, but we have no idea at all how to do it.

The German fax read: We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.

The Polish fax read: As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually.

So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

[Another quarter inch doesnt impress most women.]

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.

[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]

The condom – made originally of linen – was invented in the early 1500s.

[That same year men began asking, Put that on my WHAT?]

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.

[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]

Watch out for flying hockey pucks – they travel at up to 100 mph.

[Stand clear or youll get pucked.]

Americas first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

[3 very lonely men.]

98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.

[The other 2% are NY cab drivers who know better.]

When hes feeling amorous, the male sea otter grabs the females nose with his teeth.

[When the female feel amorous, she grabs something else.]

In 1681, the last dodo bird died.

[He was 41 and his name was also Fred.]

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesnt give her coffee.

[Its known as the Sanka clause.]

The Neanderthals brain was bigger than yours is.

[But he couldnt surf the Internet.]

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesnt wear pants.

[All ducks in Finland wear pants.]

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

[Probably explains why banks have so many service charges.]

Howdy Doody had 48 freckles.

[And if you connect them, they spell Dummy.]

What color was Christopher Columbuss hair? Blonde.

[He was lost and wouldnt ask for directions; yep, a blonde male.]

In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones – Bhutan.

[Residents had to go to another country to make 900 calls.]

The most extras ever used in a movie was 300,000, for the film Gandhi, in 1981.

[Union regulations required each one be listed in the credits.]

Every person has a unique tongue print.

[But would you want someone to ink yours?]

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

[Even if you dont inhale.]

Womens hearts beat faster than mens.

[Even after death.]

When Bugs Bunny first appeared in 1935, he was called Happy Rabbit.

[Sales of fresh carrots jumped 46%.]

Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

[But very few dogs or cats carry photos of their owners.]

Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant plenty of excrement.

[Coincidentally, this is also Rush Limbaughs nickname. ]

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

[His parents never bought him a night light.]

Bubble gum contains rubber.

[But should not be used as a condom.]

You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

[Dogs compensate by smelling really bad.]

In high school, Robin Williams was voted Least Likely to Succeed.

[And most likely to grab himself.]

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

[74% think Madonna is.]

The sound of E. T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jell-o.

[I may never eat Jell-o again!]

The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.

[A female spider has a 1 in 8 chance of getting pregnant.]

Even if you cut off a cockroachs head, it can live for several weeks.

[But it will hold a grudge much longer.]

Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.

[Remember, when youre sick, Mother knows best.]

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

[And we all know what the F represents.]

The world population of chickens is about equal to the world population of people.

[Curb foul population, choke a chicken today.]

Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

[Brain freeze promotes creativity.]

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

[25% of all Americans are bachelors.]

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, IN.

[Joe Camel has never been to South Bend.]

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

[The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years.]

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

[The winner had access to life-support equipment.]

Someone paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.

[Madonna cone bras on sale in the lobby; $14.95.]

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

[Which explains why your teeth dont freeze in winter.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

[It had something to do with his hating his mother.]

Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.

[Obviously Millie did more than Bush.]

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.

[What is the advantage of a bird thats been dropped?]

There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

[There are also more Elvis impersonators than real ones.]

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

[Even though most fish dont wear lipstick.]

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

[Who volunteers to confirm this?]

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

[You are getting sleepy. . . you will dismiss class early. . .]

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

[Well, 2 out of 3 aint bad.]

When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

[The same is true for people.]

If men ruled the world:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to I love you.

Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a Nice hustle, youll get em next time would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Youd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people youd worked for, like Heywood JBlowme.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

Sorry Im late, but I got really wasted last night would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, Youre #1!

Valentines Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, youd get the day off to go drinking. Mothers Day, too.

St. Patricks Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: You know how fast you were going? You: All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place. Cop: Nice one. Thats $10 off.

Faucets would run Hot, Cold, and 100 proof.

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Q: If a person who speaks three languages is called tri-lingual, and
a person who speaks two languages is called bi-lingual, what do
call a person who only speaks one language?

A: American!

How can you tell if a blonde stuffs her bra?

Theyll be square because they forget to take the Klennex out of the box.

Whyd the chicken cross the road? To show the blonde how!

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A kings castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better that no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes…
Automobile – A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one Ive never tried before.
Brain–the apparatus with which we think that we think.
BATCH – A group, kinda like a herd.
Computer hackers do it all night long.
Computer modelers simulate it first.
Computer programmers dont byte, they nybble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL – Effective sunspot remover.
Death is lifes way of telling you youve been fired.
Death is Natures way of saying slow down.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Documentation is like sex: When its good, its fantastic, when its bad…
Dont force it, get a larger hammer.
Dont hate yourself in the morning–sleep till noon.
Drive defensively–buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time–blackmail friends.
Entropy isnt what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didnt create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblocks Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself–historians merely repeat each other.
Im defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you dont change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If youre not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.
Jury–Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE – duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Lifes a bitch, then you die.
Lynchs Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR – the candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO – 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Realitys the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, youve screwed everything else up.
Silvers law: If Murphys law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
SQWERTY – Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who cant write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID – A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, dont bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and…
XMODEM – A spot-marking transfer protocol.
YTERM – A terminal program for queries.
When in doubt, ignore it.
Id insult you, but youre not bright enough to notice.

Acknowledge-To: <IRVINMJ@WSUVM1>

[Ed: Lots of people have such lists, but please dont all send them in at once.]

An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to
the Priest, Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek
forgiveness for my sins.

The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says,
Tell me what it is my son. It cannot be that bad.

The man replies, In the Second World War a young Jewish lady came to
me and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I did and made a place
for her in the attic.

But my son, replied the Priest, that is an act of great kindness
for which you will be rewarded.

Yes, said the man, but I was lonely and in order to let her stay, I
demanded sexual favors from her.

Oh, I see, said the Priest. But my son, times were so hard then.
You sought solace in the woman you were protecting. You are forgiven.

Thank you, said the man, that has been a great weight off of my
shoulders. While Im here, do you think that I should tell her the war
has ended?

Maries funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, At last theyre together. At last theyre together.

A mourner whispers, Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. Whats with this nonsense…at last theyre together!

The first mourner responds, Im talking about her LEGS! At last theyre together!