Discussion on Submarines

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start
discussing their submarines.

The Russian president says, We recently have made much progress with our
submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month.

The American president replies, Do you not think that we also made progress?
Our submarines can now stay under water for two months.

Shortly after this discussion they hear some strange sound coming from the sea.
Suddenly a old fashioned looking submarine appears. A hatch opens and a
uniformed man appears, Heil Hitler, meine Herren. Can you tell me whether the
war is already over?

Top Ten Failed Slogans

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Elite Modeling Agency ™
Where ugly people need not apply.

Pop Rocks ™
What doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

Wesson ™ Oil
Because car oil tastes nasty with chicken.

Hoover ™
No one sucks like Hoover does.

Smith & Wesson ™
Say it with love. Say it with a gun.

Vagasil ™
Because women arent supposed to scratch in public.

Jessie Helms campaign slogan
Cause you dont know no better.

Hooters ™
Who needs good food?

Gerber ™
Because a baby will put anything in its mouth.

NyQuil ™
The Nightime, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Achy-Head,
Oh-my-God-I-cant-feel-my-legs medicine.

Definition of lawyer

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

LAWYER: A cat who settles a dispute between 2 mice.

A duck

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

What does a duck like to eat? A quacker!

Snow blower

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower? Give her a shovel!

Kids say the funniest things

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Excerpted from the Columbus Dispatch, (compiled by Accent staff) 5/15/91:
<Accent is the only portion of the Dispatch worth reading, IMHO>

Accent asked students at Columbus Beck School, and Dublins Chapman
Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing.

<Here are a few of my favorites:>

–If you cant stand the heat, get a Pool.

–If you cant stand the heat, get out of the oven.

–A bird in the hand is messy.

–Dont count your chickens, eat them.

–You cant teach an old dog new math.

–When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.

–When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

–Too many cooks, so little meals.

–A fool and his money are my best friends.

–A penny saved is one cent.

–Look before you run into a pole.

–A watched pot never disappears.

–A rolling stone makes you flat.

–A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

–Every cloud has a wet spot.

On Marriage

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied, Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then hes finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelors degree and the woman gets her masters.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know, son, Im still paying.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesnt know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.

It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , It is I who made my husband a millionaire. And what was he before you married him. Asked the friend. The woman replied, A billionaire.

God says to Adam, What would you like in a wife? Hmmm, says Adam, Id like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. Id like her to do whatever I tell her to. Id like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me. Hmmmm, God says, I can do it, but itll cost you an arm and a leg. Oh, says Adam, Well what can I get for a rib?

Little Johnnys Lessson

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was.

First she said to the children I have something long and yellow behind my back. The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said no, im holding a bannana, but I like you alls imagination.

Next she said I have something round and red. Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnnys imagination.

Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher, I have something in my pocket thats warm and it has a head on it. Well Ms. Nelson got really upset and told Johnny he was to go to the principals office for being soo dirty minded.

Little Johnny then said, No, Ms. Nelson, its a quarter, but I LIKE YOURE IMAGINATION!!!

US armed forces (explicit language)

Poza publicata in [ Military ]

Theres a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.

The Marine says – I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men.

The Airforce Commando says – I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men.

The Navy Seal says – Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and Im an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men.

The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.

How I got my name?

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

Because he was conceived during a mighty storm, she said.

Then he asked Why is my sister named Cornflower?

Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her, she replied.

He then asked And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son…

Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious