Old and New Jokes

In a cemetery.

A friend of mine had bone marrow cancer in his left leg and his oncologist recommended amputating the leg. After getting a confirming second opinion, my friend agrees to surgery.

When he wakes up, he discovers theyve taken the wrong leg. He still has to undergo the amputation which the doctor volunteers to do for free.

After the second surgery, my friend sues but in this world where the most money wins, he loses his suit.

The judge ruled he didnt have a leg to stand on.

Dont be sexist. Broads hate that!

Age 25: Tri-weekly
Age 45: Try-weekly
Age 69: Try-weakly

Yo mamma so fat she fills the tub, *then* turns on the water!!

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

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* You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

* Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…itll be a hoot.

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

* If you hear . . . Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…

38 Long

There were these three American Indians sitting around this campfire one night, discussing where their parents got their names from.

The first Indian said, My parents decided to call me Jumping Deer because when they were conceiving me, a deer went jumping over them.

The second Indian said, My parents named me Running Waterfall because when I was conceived, they were next to a waterfall.

The third Indian said, This is really strange. My parents also named me after something that happened when I was conceived. They named me Broken Condom …

What do you call a bunch of bunnies stepping backwards?
A receding hare line.

RING
RING
CLICK

Recording – Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press.
No one will answer.

(from my colleague Tony, who received it from a colleague, who…)