Old and New Jokes

You might live in a redneck town

if the Dollar-General is bigger than the Wal-Mart.

Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed
up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was
ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends.

Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction
she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro.

Ive been stung by a bee! What shall I do?

Where were you stung?

Between the first and second hole!

Beverly, we need to work on your stance…

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "Godand me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so hes fixed it so that when I getup in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee,and then (poof!) the light goes off when Im done." "Wow," commentedDr. Smith, "thats incredible!" A little later in the dayDr. Smith called Georges wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically hes great. But I had to call because Im in awe of hisrelationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) thelight goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed,"That old fool! Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.

Why do you want a glass of cider? asked her mom.

I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!

Confused, but weary of the childs whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesnt work! she whined.

What are you talking about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent, What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?

Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she cant wait to get it in cider.

Incident at the old swimming pool

by jiM Mica

Im sure Ive mentioned that I swim at the pool at work whenever I can. The pool seems to be the exercise venue for the halt and the lame. Professor Richs started going there years ago when he hurt himself running. I go there with my obesity and diabetes. And, Dr. Stan has been swimming since he lost the front end of a foot in a car accident a while back. Before the accident he was an ardent runner.

Besides us old coots, the pool also serves as an exercise spot for many physically and/or emotionally challenged kids. They get brought to the pool by their parents and then get to swim under the watchful eye of our physical therapy students -and their instructors of course.

The strangest thing happened a few weeks back when Dr. Stan and I were leaving the pool for the showers and a bunch of the young kids were being readied for their turn in the water. As we walked by the kids, exchanging pleasantries as usual, one of the little boys suddenly started screaming!

Bad foot! he wailed. Man have bad foot! Bad foot, bad foot, bad foot, AAAAAARRRRGGHGHGH!!!

It took several of our college students and their professor to get the kid calmed down again. Wed never seen anything like it.

Stan and I went on to the locker room and, a few minutes later, the prof whod been working with kids showed up.

Dr. Stan, he said, I am truly sorry for that outburst. The little fellow is OK now, but that was the worst case of lack-toes intolerance Ive ever encountered.

Stan mumbled in agreement as he pulled his shoes on.

© by the author, MMI

Taken from Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine: (I dont know how true this is…)

Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk alone. Is this true, or even partially true?

A. This is not quite true. Guinness does contain many vitamins and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as well as calcium and fat. So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47 pints of Guinness.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didnt need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

I dont know, he said. Shes still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

Q: How many saxaphonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: 10. One to do it, 9 to talk about how a great sax player could have done it better.

A2: 5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn wouldve done it.

A3: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, I built a big house for our Mother. The second said, I sent her a Mercedes with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: Milton, she wrote one son, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isnt what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!

My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!