Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!! The teacher replied, Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little BILLY, thinks for a bit, then says, Youre an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, youd be a TEN!

Heres a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have? – Jane

Dear GOD:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry

Dear GOD:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. – Mickey

Dear GOD:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan

Dear GOD:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane

Dear GOD:

I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. – Love, Alison

Dear GOD:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy

Dear GOD:

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:

Who draws the lines around the countries? – Nan

Dear GOD:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:

Did You really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if You did, then Im going to fix my brother. – Darla

Dear GOD:

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. – Joyce

Dear GOD:

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:

If we come back as something else, please dont let me be MaryHorton – because I hate her. – Denise

Dear GOD:

If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. – Raphael

Dear GOD:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. – Sam

Dear GOD:

You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean

Dear GOD:

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:

I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying – Elliott

Dear GOD:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD:

My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they? – Marsha

Dear GOD:

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. – Love, Chris

Dear GOD:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. – Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:

The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land, you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do. – Eddie

Dear GOD:

I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. – Charles

Dear GOD:

I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. – Eugene

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife where are the kids?, but you dont
really have a wife and youre talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had Spuds McKenzie tattoo removed, replaced it with Red Dog.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: its not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: Hi, my name is… uh…
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and Women.
Every night youre beginning to find your roomates cat more attractive.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
calories.
The bottles empty…thats the problem!
Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
Roseanne looks good.
Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich…. hes soooo sexy.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
The shrubberys drunk from frequent watering.
Do you (your name) take this woman…..
Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
Double vision so much the norm, you cant function without it.
You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
You cant remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
Havent stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl whos had too much to drink.

He says to her, Hey, baby…whataya say we go back to your place and get it on! Lost in her drink, she replies – Sure, why not!

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, Ok, show me what you do best!.

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, –

grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

Yo daddys so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friends illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, youll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

Its a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.

It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;

It leadeth me away from faith;

It destroys my soul;

It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors sake.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,

there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;

Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.

It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my worldliness.

It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism;

my coveting runneth over.

Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house,

just watching TV all the time.

Hillary Clinton died one day and went to heaven and there were thousands of clocks. She asked why there were so many clocks? The angel that was standing there told her that each clock represents a person, when a person lies it ticks one second. She asked to see her husbands. The angel studerd for a second and then gave some huge ear muffs to her with a earpiece. The angel showed Hillary to a huge room on the wall was mounted a digital clock that was ticking like hell. She looked around and saw MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of insane angels mumbling Tick, tick tick, tock, tock tock.. and MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of broken clocks. The angel sighed and said we had to go to digital

Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Roll Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All, Monetary Aid To Their Kids!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

Theyre in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly, Why dont you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!.