Old and New Jokes

A young man in high school was falling behind in his classes, he was also getting into other trouble(fights, drugs, sex, etc). His family was rather religious so they asked thier local priest to talk to thier child. Thier conversation went something like this;Priest: Son, why are you falling behind in school?
Kid: I was just following the bible father.
Priest: …any paticular part?
Kid: The book of procrastination.
Priest: …I dont quite remember that one…
Kid: of course not, God never got around to putting it in.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says, When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the splash, they turn around and see Snow White naked.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
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Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!
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SEVEN UP!!!

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front lines, Sir!

Good man! says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.

Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir!

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!

Whats your ambition?

To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!

So this guy walks into a bar and says, “Gve me two beers.”

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, “Give me two more beers.”

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, “Whats in your wallet that you keep looking at?”

So the man opens his wallet and says, “The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.”

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…

ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FREE PUPPIES:

PART COCKER SPANIEL –

PART SNEAKY NEIGHBORS DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.

20 YR. WARRANTY.

LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

BILLS SEPTIC CLEANING

WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.

LOOKS LIKE A RAT…

BEEN OUT AWHILE..

BETTER BE REWARD.

GEORGIA PEACHES

– CALIFORNIA GROWN –

89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

COMMUNITY HEADLINE:

ALZHEIMERS CENTER PREPARES

FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

ok there was a blonde,red head, and a brunette.Then one day the red head went out and she caught a deer so they asked her how she got that deer and she said me find tracks me follow tracks me find deer.Next the brunette went out and she caught a rabbit so they asked he rhow she got that rabbit and she said me find tracks me follow tracks me find rabbit.after that the Blonde went out and she came back with a whole bunch of bruses so they asked her how she got all those brueses and she said me find tracks me follow tracks me get hit by train.

Explaining the birds and the bees in the 21st century The little boy asked his father – Daddy, how was I born?Dad responds, Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!So here goes.Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
Youve Got Male!

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed, and they go to the fridge.

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, Mister, Im broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, Im out of a place to live. Ill bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you cant come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him, six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you cant tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says, your right, I cant top that. and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says your on

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you cant tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you cant piss in mine!!