Old and New Jokes

ok there was a blonde,red head, and a brunette.Then one day the red head went out and she caught a deer so they asked her how she got that deer and she said me find tracks me follow tracks me find deer.Next the brunette went out and she caught a rabbit so they asked he rhow she got that rabbit and she said me find tracks me follow tracks me find rabbit.after that the Blonde went out and she came back with a whole bunch of bruses so they asked her how she got all those brueses and she said me find tracks me follow tracks me get hit by train.

Explaining the birds and the bees in the 21st century The little boy asked his father – Daddy, how was I born?Dad responds, Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!So here goes.Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
Youve Got Male!

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed, and they go to the fridge.

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, Mister, Im broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, Im out of a place to live. Ill bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you cant come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him, six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you cant tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says, your right, I cant top that. and he pays her the five dollars.

Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home.

On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to wich he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says your on

Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you cant tell the depth of mine.

The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you cant piss in mine!!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctors office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible! says the doctor. Show me. The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and
screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and
screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, Youre not really a redhead, are you? Well, no she says, Im actually a blonde. I thought so, the doctor says. Your finger is broken

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

Whats the matter, dear?, she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night?.

The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly.

Yes I do she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?

Yes, I remember said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued: Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or Ill send you to jail for 20 years?

I remember, that, too she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, I would have been released today …

A man is on his way home from work during rush hour. Suddenly, his phone rings. Its his wife.
Honey, I want you to be careful driving home from work tonight, they said on the news that theres some maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway. She says, to which the man replies, One? Theres like 500 of em out here!

A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A cowboy rode into strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?

No one answered.

All right, Im gonna have another beer, and if my horse aint back outside by the time I finish, Im gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I dont like to have to do what I dun in Texas!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go: what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.