You might be a redneck if…
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

My Little Carob Machine

Top Ten changes Bill Gates wants at CNN before investing heavily in Turner Broadcasting:

When covering plane crashes, reporters must point out that the planes cockpit was NOT equipped with Windows 95, and had it been, it might not have crashed (although they should omit that it probably couldnt have gotten off the ground in the first place).
Headline News must include a new section – Microsoft Upgrades Available This Week.
Ads for IBM must be followed by ads for Kaopectate.
Ads for Microsoft must be followed with ads for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.
All graphs showing the economy improving should be done using Microsoft Excel.
All graphs showing the economy worsening should be done with Lotus 1-2-3.
New voice-over This… is CNN, version 1.5, release F.
Stories about anti-trust suits against Microsoft must include the words vendetta, meritless, and witch hunt.
All weather maps have to have a big Microsoft logo next to Seattle.
A five-year publicity buildup for the new carpet.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wifes car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered, You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?

Yes, was his incredulous reply.

She answered, Well, today I didnt do it.

You might be a redneck if…
The best way to keep things cold is to leaveem in the shade.

To much JAVA

1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women… You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sisters honor… You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because youre in the same grade… You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding… You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain… You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says Say No to Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up… You might be a Redneck.

Q: Why do rednecks dogs have flat noses?

A: From chasing parked cars…

The following jokes are from No Laughing Matter by Steven Lukes
of Oxford and Itzhak Gelnoor of Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The selections are from the June 5, 1989 issue of Newsweek (review
by George F. Will).

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, No one needs
meat today.

Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
Agreed, says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. Done, says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles. Impossible, says Gorbachev. But why?
asks Deng. Because, says Gorbachev, the Poles dont make bicycles.

Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, The difference between the Soviet
Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class,
whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class. Zhou replies,
True. But there is this similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his
class.

Backup – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Jeb.

Chip – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal – Time to call the undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Bubbas party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – Female Disco dancer.

Fax – What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker – Uncle Jonas after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bubbas favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem – What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtraks Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your week-old underwear.