Old and New Jokes

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctors office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible! says the doctor. Show me. The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and
screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and
screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, Youre not really a redhead, are you? Well, no she says, Im actually a blonde. I thought so, the doctor says. Your finger is broken

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

Whats the matter, dear?, she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night?.

The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly.

Yes I do she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?

Yes, I remember said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued: Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or Ill send you to jail for 20 years?

I remember, that, too she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, I would have been released today …

A man is on his way home from work during rush hour. Suddenly, his phone rings. Its his wife.
Honey, I want you to be careful driving home from work tonight, they said on the news that theres some maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway. She says, to which the man replies, One? Theres like 500 of em out here!

A short history of medicine: I have an ear ache.

2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A cowboy rode into strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?

No one answered.

All right, Im gonna have another beer, and if my horse aint back outside by the time I finish, Im gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I dont like to have to do what I dun in Texas!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, Say partner, before you go: what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

You might be a redneck if you have to take your hat off so your wife can fit into the truck with you.

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….. She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts BE SILENT! There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….

This could go in true stories: An 85 year old who had never been to a doctor
before, as he proudly announced, came to the office for a check-up. He thought
it was about time. The doctor (thats me) said,
What did you do to live so long and
stay so healthy? He said, Well, whatever it was, it wasnt listening to the
likes of you!!

Another one: During my residency, we offered a free Pap smear clinic. Well, a
nurse brought in her elderly mother to have a Pap smear because she had never
had one, or an internal exam for that matter. She had her kids at home
without benefit of medical attention. She was maybe 80. (The daughter was 60
or so.) Well, the daughter held her hand and talked her through the ordeal of
her first pelvic exam just as a mother might with a teenage girl. After it
was over, I said something to lighten things up like, Now that wasnt so bad
was it? The old lady said, No, it wasnt, but I have one question to ask
you. I said, Shoot. She said, Does your mother know what you do for a
living?

In Lappland Ante was caught stealing reindeer.

The owner was so mad that he undressed Ante and tied him to a birch tree. He was to stand there during the night as a suitable punishment.

The next morning the owner came to untie Ante:

I hope the mosquitos were really bad this night!

Oh, the mosquitos were nothing compared to that weaning reindeer calf which could not find its mother!