Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?

A: So they know when to stop having sex!

You might be a redneck if you have to take your hat off so your wife can fit into the truck with you.

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO….. She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts BE SILENT! There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, OEING! OEING! OEING! OE….

This could go in true stories: An 85 year old who had never been to a doctor
before, as he proudly announced, came to the office for a check-up. He thought
it was about time. The doctor (thats me) said,
What did you do to live so long and
stay so healthy? He said, Well, whatever it was, it wasnt listening to the
likes of you!!

Another one: During my residency, we offered a free Pap smear clinic. Well, a
nurse brought in her elderly mother to have a Pap smear because she had never
had one, or an internal exam for that matter. She had her kids at home
without benefit of medical attention. She was maybe 80. (The daughter was 60
or so.) Well, the daughter held her hand and talked her through the ordeal of
her first pelvic exam just as a mother might with a teenage girl. After it
was over, I said something to lighten things up like, Now that wasnt so bad
was it? The old lady said, No, it wasnt, but I have one question to ask
you. I said, Shoot. She said, Does your mother know what you do for a
living?

In Lappland Ante was caught stealing reindeer.

The owner was so mad that he undressed Ante and tied him to a birch tree. He was to stand there during the night as a suitable punishment.

The next morning the owner came to untie Ante:

I hope the mosquitos were really bad this night!

Oh, the mosquitos were nothing compared to that weaning reindeer calf which could not find its mother!

Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God? A: God doesnt think hes a brain surgeon!

Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!! The teacher replied, Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go. Little BILLY, thinks for a bit, then says, Youre an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, youd be a TEN!

Heres a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:

Dear GOD:

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have? – Jane

Dear GOD:

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry

Dear GOD:

If You watch me in church on Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. – Mickey

Dear GOD:

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan

Dear GOD:

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane

Dear GOD:

I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. – Love, Alison

Dear GOD:

Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy

Dear GOD:

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

Dear GOD:

Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD:

Who draws the lines around the countries? – Nan

Dear GOD:

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD:

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD:

Did You really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if You did, then Im going to fix my brother. – Darla

Dear GOD:

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. – Joyce

Dear GOD:

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD:

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD:

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear GOD:

If we come back as something else, please dont let me be MaryHorton – because I hate her. – Denise

Dear GOD:

If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. – Raphael

Dear GOD:

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. – Sam

Dear GOD:

You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways. – Dean

Dear GOD:

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.

Dear GOD:

I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying – Elliott

Dear GOD:

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- Rob

Dear GOD:

My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they? – Marsha

Dear GOD:

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. – Love, Chris

Dear GOD:

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. – Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:

The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land, you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do. – Eddie

Dear GOD:

I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. – Charles

Dear GOD:

I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. – Eugene

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
When you can focus better with one eye closed
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
If you keep asking your wife where are the kids?, but you dont
really have a wife and youre talking to the refridgerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Had Spuds McKenzie tattoo removed, replaced it with Red Dog.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Beer: its not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
At AA meeting you begin: Hi, my name is… uh…
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and Women.
Every night youre beginning to find your roomates cat more attractive.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
calories.
The bottles empty…thats the problem!
Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
Roseanne looks good.
Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich…. hes soooo sexy.
You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the
Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
The shrubberys drunk from frequent watering.
Do you (your name) take this woman…..
Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
Double vision so much the norm, you cant function without it.
You listen to the radio and start dancing to Hootie and the Blowfish.
You cant remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
Havent stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl whos had too much to drink.

He says to her, Hey, baby…whataya say we go back to your place and get it on! Lost in her drink, she replies – Sure, why not!

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, Ok, show me what you do best!.

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, –

grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!