Old and New Jokes

Yo daddys so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friends illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, youll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

Its a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

The TV is my shepherd, I shall not want.

It maketh me to lie down on the sofa;

It leadeth me away from faith;

It destroys my soul;

It leadeth me into the paths of sex and violence for the sponsors sake.

Yea, though I walk through the shadow of my Christian responsibilities,

there is no interruption, for the TV is with me;

Its cables and remote control, they comfort me.

It prepareth a commercial for me in the presence of my worldliness.

It annointeth my head with humanism and consumerism;

my coveting runneth over.

Surely, laziness and ignorance shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house,

just watching TV all the time.

Hillary Clinton died one day and went to heaven and there were thousands of clocks. She asked why there were so many clocks? The angel that was standing there told her that each clock represents a person, when a person lies it ticks one second. She asked to see her husbands. The angel studerd for a second and then gave some huge ear muffs to her with a earpiece. The angel showed Hillary to a huge room on the wall was mounted a digital clock that was ticking like hell. She looked around and saw MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of insane angels mumbling Tick, tick tick, tock, tock tock.. and MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of broken clocks. The angel sighed and said we had to go to digital

Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Roll Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All, Monetary Aid To Their Kids!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.

Olympic condoms?, she blurts, What makes them so special?

Theyre in three colours, he replies, Gold, Silver and Bronze.

What colour are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.

Gold of course, says the man proudly!

The wife responds wryly, Why dont you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!.

You might be a redneck if…
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

My Little Carob Machine

Top Ten changes Bill Gates wants at CNN before investing heavily in Turner Broadcasting:

When covering plane crashes, reporters must point out that the planes cockpit was NOT equipped with Windows 95, and had it been, it might not have crashed (although they should omit that it probably couldnt have gotten off the ground in the first place).
Headline News must include a new section – Microsoft Upgrades Available This Week.
Ads for IBM must be followed by ads for Kaopectate.
Ads for Microsoft must be followed with ads for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.
All graphs showing the economy improving should be done using Microsoft Excel.
All graphs showing the economy worsening should be done with Lotus 1-2-3.
New voice-over This… is CNN, version 1.5, release F.
Stories about anti-trust suits against Microsoft must include the words vendetta, meritless, and witch hunt.
All weather maps have to have a big Microsoft logo next to Seattle.
A five-year publicity buildup for the new carpet.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wifes car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered, You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?

Yes, was his incredulous reply.

She answered, Well, today I didnt do it.