Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
The best way to keep things cold is to leaveem in the shade.

To much JAVA

1) If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women… You might be a Redneck. 2) If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sisters honor… You might be a Redneck. 3) If you walk to school with your dad because youre in the same grade… You might be a Redneck. 4) If you smoke at your wedding… You might be a Redneck. 5) If your dog and wallet are both on a chain… You might be a Redneck. And last but certainly not least, 6) If you see a sign that says Say No to Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up… You might be a Redneck.

Q: Why do rednecks dogs have flat noses?

A: From chasing parked cars…

The following jokes are from No Laughing Matter by Steven Lukes
of Oxford and Itzhak Gelnoor of Hebrew University of Jerusalem.
The selections are from the June 5, 1989 issue of Newsweek (review
by George F. Will).

Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, No one needs
meat today.

Deng Xiaoping tells Gorbachev that three demands must be met before
relations can improve. First, China wants 100 million tons of coal.
Agreed, says Gorbachev. And 20 new ships. Done, says Gorbachev.
And a million bicycles. Impossible, says Gorbachev. But why?
asks Deng. Because, says Gorbachev, the Poles dont make bicycles.

Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, The difference between the Soviet
Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class,
whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class. Zhou replies,
True. But there is this similarity. Each of us is a traitor to his
class.

Backup – What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick.

Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Jeb.

Chip – Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

Terminal – Time to call the undertaker.

Crash – When you go to Bubbas party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette – Female Disco dancer.

Fax – What you lie about to the IRS.

Hacker – Uncle Jonas after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bubbas favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after 17 beers.

Modem – What you do when the grass gets too high.

Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network – Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ROM – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Serial Port – A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor – Amtraks Employee of the year.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your week-old underwear.

Q: What does a dyslexic Jew say?

A: Yo!

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him Head and Shoulders and it cleared it up.

The blonde asked inquisitively, How do you give shoulders?

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, thats what he called her, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read, Dear Husband, thats what she called him, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Heres an easy game to play.
Heres an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
Then your situations hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!
You cant say this?
What a shame sir!
Well find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
Thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!