Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as marketing without a degree, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can concentrate on the big picture. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU dont understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest ergodynamic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel…
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ TEAM LEADS: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Middle Manager.
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666.
It was during the cold war. The fate of the Western world hung in the balance. A secret agent had to find a spy named Epstein in New York and give him a secret code.
So, the agent entered the lobby of the apartment building on the lower east side of Manhattan where he lived and browsed the directory. He noticed there were 2 Epsteins listed; one on the 1st floor, the other on the 2nd.
He knocks on the door of the Epstein on the first floor. When Epstein opens the door, the agent tells him, The sky above, the mud below.
Mr. Epstein replies, Oh! You want Epstein the spy. Second floor.
One…they can screw anything.
- On Clothes
- I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Arent cows outside a lot of the time? When its raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, Let us in! Were all wearing leather! Open the door! Were going to ruin the whole outfit here!
- Traveling
- I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isnt that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while youre reading, you dont see where youre going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think theyre trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people dont see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares whos in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know its either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe thats what those delays are sometimes, when youre just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, Oh, I dont believe this. Dammit..I did it again. They tell you its something mechanical because they dont want to come on the P.A. system, Ladies and gentlemen, were going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing…I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. Theyre in this big ashtray by the front door. Im sorry, Ill run back and get them.
You can measure distance by time. How far away is it? Oh about 20 minutes. But it doesnt work the other way. When do you get off work? Around 3 miles.
- Death
- The Chalk Outline guys got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldnt draw very well. Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it? How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement….the killer must have been…Jim.
- Thats Odd
- I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, theres a whole other room in there. Theres a guy that looks just like me in there. But the parakeet would fall for this. Id let him out of his cage, hed fly right into the mirror. And Id always think, Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesnt he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?
Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, I got the front seat. I want the front seat. I called it. And the other kid has no recourse. He called it, what can I do? If there was a kid court of law it holds up. Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. The judge says, Did he call it? Well, no, he didnt call it… He bangs the gavel. Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed.
- On Dating
- Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance youll end up naked at the end of it. Well, Bill, the boss thinks youre the man for the job. Why dont you strip down and meet some of the people youll be working with?
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. Thats ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.
- On Sex
- Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what were doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. Theyre very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm – all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. I was first. Let me through. Youre on my tail. Thats my spot. Theyre like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: Well, whos it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. Im not swimming anywhere.
- The Relationship
- Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman hes with is like an exit, but he doesnt want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, Look, gas, food, lodging, thats our exit, thats everything we need to be happy…Get off here, now! But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, Next exit 27 miles, and he thinks, I can make it.
Sometimes he can, sometimes he cant.
Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. Hes sitting on the curb all alone, I guess I didnt realize how many miles I was racking up.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the womans point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. Thats why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
During the final days at Denvers old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.
The agent replied, Im sorry sir. Ill be happy to try to help you, but Ive got to help these folks first, and Im sure well be able to work something out.
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, Do you have any idea who I am?
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. May I have your attention please? she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore (Expletive) you.
Without flinching, she smiled and said, Im sorry, sir, but youll have to stand in line for that, too.
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7?
The wrong answer.
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wifes been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wifes been in an accident.
They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.
Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones? the doctor asks.
Yes sir, whats happened? How is my wife?
The doctor sits next to him and says, Not good news. Your wifes accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.
Oh my God says Mr. Jones, what will be her prognosis?
Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. Shell have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her.
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
And youll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia.
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
Then, of course, the doctor continued, youll have to diaper her as shell have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day.
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: And youll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as shell have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often Im afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent shell be emitting regularly.
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing and sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says –
Hey, Im just messinging with you, dude…
You dont have to do all that stuff – shes dead!
One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death. His wife said, Yknow, if you go on like this, youre going to lose all your friends.
A very popular girl (the town whore) went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?
The girl thought and then asked, Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you fart?
1.) Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you dont have a phone. 2.) Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!. Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3.) Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie: chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4.) Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, Mine are full of bodies, then stutter and say, I uh mean other garbage. walk away laughing hysterically. 5.) Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that there is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6.) At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, looks like theyre on the move again. 7.) When theyre watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8.) Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9.) Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10.) Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household applainces.