Old and New Jokes

Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in
Oakland following a push-by shooting incident.

The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an
impending accident, start pumping real fast.

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following: The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought hed rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could

do without the ironing lady.

Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do

without the gardener.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
You, sir, are drunk! And you maam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps brains and they go mad. The government doesnt do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, theres like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Yo mamas just like hockey players.Only showers after 3 periods.

Got this from my friend Ana E. Muss

A couple of years ago at college, I went to the library to get a signed statement that I did not have any unpaid library fines. This was required to get my exam results. The woman at the counter wrote down my name and student ID followed by, does not have any fines at the libara. She crossed off the last word and tried again with liberery, then crossed that out and wrote here.

I wonder what she uses as her job title?

The Cajuns heard Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided this is WAR! Saddam was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.

Hallo! Mr. Hussein, a heavily accented voice said. This is Boudreaux down at the Freds lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. Im callin to tol you we be officially declarin war on you!

Well, Boudreaux, Saddam replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Rat now, said Boudreaux, (hesitating) there is me, my cousin Thibadeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!

Saddam paused. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.

Woo-eee! said Boudreaux. I gots to call you back later!

Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!

And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux? Saddam asked.

Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor.

Saddam sighed. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, Ive increased my army to 1.5 million since we last spoke.

E-yiee! said Boudreaux. I gots to get back to you later.

Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! Weve took Marcells utra-light glider an we put us a shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last spoke, Ive increased my army to TWO MILLION!

Ah-yie-yie! screams Boudreaux, I gots ta call you back later.

Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. Bon jour, Sad-damn! I so sorry I gots to toll you we is callin off dis war.

Im sorry to hear that, said Saddam. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, said Boudreaux, we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way hes gonna feed no two million prisoners.

Q: Why didnt the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?

A: Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While
several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number twos hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, What is this? to which
lawyer number one replies, Its that $50 I owe you.