Dont go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

Dont Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and shell last for many years.

Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy…by remaining a bachelor.

Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do…but shes certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.

Forecast for Wedding… Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.

Friend of groom giving a toast: Heres a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!

Friends may come and friends may go and friends may peter out ya know. But well be friends through thick or thin, peter out and peter in!

From the football club – We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: Youll never need to do it by hand again.

Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says For the woman I love and the second, For my best friend.

Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.

Heres a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.

Heres to you and heres to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, heres to ME!

Hope all your Tries are not converted.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.

I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.

If you dont want the stork to come, shoot in the air.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, dont stand in her way.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, its curtains!

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..

It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.

It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if hes married.

Its always fun to ask at the reception, What times the grand opening? Or after the honeymoon, Glad to see you back on your feet.

Its not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Its sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I am in total control, but dont tell my wife.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..

One morning, President Reagan woke up to a beautiful snowy noon. He
looked out of his window upon the snow-covered White House lawn and
marveled at its beauty. Then he noticed something. Yellow lines in
the snow. On further investigation, our President realized that the
lines spelled out Reagan Sucks in urine. Furious, he called the
Washington, DC police and demanded to know who had inscribed these
blasphemous words on his lawn. After a lengthy investigation, the
police found no clues.

Later that afternoon, after a brief snowfall, the president awoke
again to find the same words once more decorating the new-fallen
snow. This time, President Ron called the FBI and ordered them to
find out who was responsible. The FBI too mounted a massive
investigation, but were only able to determine that no intruder had
access to the White House lawn and therefore the perpetrator had to
be someone on his own staff.

When the next day, the same insults were discovered on a new blanket
of snow, Old Ron decided to leave no stone unturned. He asked the
entire US military to get to the bottom of this conspiracy. By
dinnertime, the Secretary of Defense had some bad news for Mr.
Reagan.

Im afraid, he said, that the urine sample come from none other
than the Secretary of State, George Schultz.

This is terrible, said the president.

Im afraid I have more bad news, said the secretary.

What could be worse, said Reagan, than finding out that George,
the only member of my administration not to be involved in a
scandal, is involved in this conspiracy?

Well, you see Mr. President, it was written in Nancys handwriting.

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the brides insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

Mother, Mother! cried the girl, He says that we should sleep together!

Its alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

Oh, said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!

Its alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, dont let it bother you… Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!

Stand back, girl! says the mother, This is a job for a real woman!

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time Ive had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off the bridge!” the Irish person looked in his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter and jelly sandwich from my wife again, I will jump off the bridge!” The Australian said, “Oh CRAP! Not Mortadella again, if I get this sandwich again I am going to jump off the bridge!” so the next day the Chinese person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a cheese sandwich!” so he eats it. The Irish person looks in his sandwich and says, “Phew, I’ve got a vegemite sandwich!” so he eats it. The Australian looked in his sandwich, and he jumped off the bridge. The Irish person said, “I don’t understand, he makes his own lunch!”.

Because its the only way they can drive with handcuffs on.

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, theirconversation turned to children. My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue, announced one.

Not to be outdone, the second remarked, My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.

The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, And you, dear, do you have a son?

And is he a professional? demanded the second.

Well, not exactly, answered the third. Actually, hes a plumber. And notonly that, hes gay.

Beaming, one of the poor womans interrogators offered consolation: Ah, hes not doing so well.

This time it was the third woman who smiled. Hes not doing too badly, she explained.

He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.

Two stockbrokers went to lunch. One looked at the other and said, Lets relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market or any kind of business at all.

Good idea Sam. Lets talk about women.

OK – common or preferred?

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail Marys and Ill be right back.



Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex.



Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?



In reply the altar boy said, Two Snickers bars and a Coke.

One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while, leaving the shop to his
salesman. Soon a woman goes into the porno shop.

She asks, How much for the white dildo?

The Shopkeeper answers, $35.

She: How much for the black one?

He: $35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.

She: I think Ill take the black one. Ive never had a black one before.

She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, How much for the black
dildo?

He: $35.

She: How much for the white one?

He: $35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.

She: Hmmm… I think Ill take the white one. Ive never had a white one
before…

She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, How much are your
dildos?

He: $35 for the white, $35 for the black.

She: Hmmmmm… how much is that plaid one on the shelf?

He: Well, thats a very special dildo… itll cost you $165.

She thinks for a moment and answers, Ill take the plaid one, Ive never had a
plaid one before…

She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guys boss returns and asks, How did you do while I was gone? To
which the saleman responded, I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one
black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!