A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
Thats unfair! he cried. I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.
Shut up, barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
Who are you to question that womans punishment?
I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in with a big ostrich behind him. He grabbed a stool at the end of the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool beside him. Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and asked, What can I get you folks?
The man said, Ill have a pint of best, and turned to the ostrich. Whats yours?
Ill have a pint as well replied the ostrich.
The stranger looked at the cat and said, I suppose you want a drink too.
The cat responded, Ill have a half, but I aint fookin payin!
So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and says Thatll be four pounds forty, please.
The man reached into his pocket, felt around and, to both the landlords and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned. Ill have a pint of best, said the man.
Same for me, piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half. But I aint fookin payin!
Repeat of the previous day. The bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio entered again. Usual? asked Seamus.
Well, said the man, its close to last orders. Ill have a large scotch. He turned to the ostrich inquiringly.
The bird said, Ill have a large scotch as well.
The cat said, Ill have a small scotch, but I aint fookin payin!
The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin. Thatll be seven pounds ninety, please. To his amazement, the man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket.
As the trio were finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his curiosity no longer. Excuse me, sir, but before you leave theres something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket … every time?
Well, its a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
Thats fantastic, said our host. What did you wish for?
Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.
Thats brilliant observed Seamus, most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live.
Thats right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!
By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed in, One last thing, sir. Err, your friends there … We dont get many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich …
The man looked glum. Yes, I know. Thats probably the worst thing I ever did, but Im stuck with em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
… without you in it.DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We havent had a fight in a while.NO, PIZZAS FINE.
… you cheap slob!I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just dont want you as a boyfriend now.I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I cant believe you have nothing planned.COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I dont like you.OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
… just not in that way.YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
Im not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF.
Im just being nice; theres no way Im going dutch.OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
You must be a redneck if you are riding your riding lawnmower…
And pulling your pushmower at the same time to get your yard mowed.
Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in
Oakland following a push-by shooting incident.
The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an
impending accident, start pumping real fast.
Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following: The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought hed rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to iron, then we could
do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
You, sir, are drunk! And you maam, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!
DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone elses cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair Cowgate.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps brains and they go mad. The government doesnt do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of ownership is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, theres like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Yo mamas just like hockey players.Only showers after 3 periods.