Old and New Jokes

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[This is YET ANOTHER one]

Yes, now women too can enjoy special just for her seminars taught by our
all-male faculty.

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

Are you ready to leave?–Definition of the word yes
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly Honey, do I look fat?)
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar–Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS–Its YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: Its Happened Monthly
Since Puberty–Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving–Its As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game–A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: Me too equals I Love You)
How to Earn Your Own Money
Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LETS LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper response to other couples public arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around–Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
To Honor and Obey: Remembering the small print above I Do
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing his
Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

JHFROME and MTABBOTT @amherst.edu

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?A: Winnie the Pooh!

Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George, Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.

What do you mean? asked George.

Well, replied Charlie, I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!

Healthier? How is that? his buddy wondered.

Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed shed get these terrible headaches, he answered. Now that were older, she hasnt had a headache in years.

-From: Brian Lees:DGC

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an an Indian lying on
the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks
the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies Im telling the
time. The man tells the Indian that he doesnt believe it, so the Indian tells
him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it
is exactly 1:00.

He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the
ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. He asks this Indian what he is
doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. He tells the Indian to
prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch
and once again is amazed that the time is correct.

He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying
naked in the sand, masturbating. He asks this Indian and what the hell are you
doing?

To which the Indian replied: Im winding my watch!

An annotated thermometer

60 Californians put on sweaters

(if they can find one in their wardrobe)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

Wisconsinites plant gardens

40 You can see your breath

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars dont start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

Minnesotans put on T-shirts

Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

Minnesota ice cream sales peak

British cars dont start

25 Boston water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream

Canadians go swimming

20 You can hear your breath

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

New York City water freezes

Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars dont start

You plan a vacation in Mexico

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 Too cold to ski

Snow removal becomes political controversy in Chicago

You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 You plan your vacation in Houston

American cars dont start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

Too cold to skate

-10 German cars dont start

Ice fishers close the doors on their shanties

Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

Street salting becomes political controversy in Chicago

Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

People in Wisconsin think about taking down the screens

Japanese cars dont start

-25 Too cold to think

The Milwaukee Brewers head for Spring Training

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath

The Mighty Monongahela freezes

Swedish cars dont start

-40 Californians disappear

Minnesotans button top button

Canadians put on sweaters

Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes

Green Bay Packers practice indoors

Alaskans close the bathroom window

-60 Wisconsinites put away gloves and take out mittens

Polar bears move south

-70 Minnesotans replace diving boards with hockey nets

Green Bay snowmobilers organize a trans-lake race to
Sault Ste. Marie

-90 The edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro

Wisconsinites pull down their ear flaps

-100 Elderly people from Michigans Upper Peninsula travel
south to Wisconsin to enjoy warmer weather

Glacier removal becomes political controversy in
Chicago

-170 Whiskey freezes

Only cherries from Door County, Wisconsin are usable in
Old Fashioneds

-297 Oxygen precipitates from atmosphere

Microbial life survives only on Wisconsin dairy
products

-445 Superconductivity begins

-452 Helium liquefies

-460 All atomic motion ceases

Hell freezes over

Illinois drivers drop below 85 mph on I-90

Mayor of Chicago and Governor of Illinois reach
agreement about glacier removal plans

Minnesotans allow as how its getting nippy

God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in
the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, Let there be light, and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire:
that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would
turn the light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light Day and the darkness Night. Officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics.

God said, Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed.
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that
may fly over the earth. Officials pointed out this would require
approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly
Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project
in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before…

At this point God created Hell.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.Incoming fire has the right of way.Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire.Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When youre ready for them.
2. When youre not ready for them.Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.If its stupid but works, it isnt stupid.When in doubt empty the magazine.Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out.Mines are equal opportunity weapons.A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever volunteer to do anything.Five second fuses only last three seconds.

The drunk stumbled into a podiatrists office, mistaking it for a whorehouse.

The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out. So, naturally, the drunk weaved over the screen, dropped his pants, and stuck his dick through the screen.

The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. Thats not a foot! she screamed.

The drunk replied, Sshorry, lady! I didnt know there was a minimum!

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking
at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the
farmer and asks him, Ah excuse me mister, but what
are you doing?

The farmer replies, Im trying to win a Nobel Prize.

How? asks the man, puzzled.

Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are
out standing in their field.

From RedneckHumor.com