Old and New Jokes

Stalin is giving a speech in a small auditorium. During a pause, someone
in the audience sneezes. Looking up, Stalin asks,

Who sneezed?

Noone answers. Stalin orders the guards to escort the last three rows of
people outside, where they are executed. Stalin then asks,

Now, who sneezed?

Again, noone answers. Again, Stalin orders the guards to escort the last
three rows outside. Shots are heard. Again, Stalin asks,

Now! Who sneezed??

A small, bespectacled man in the second row raises his hand and says,

Um, I did, comrade.

To which Stalin replies,

Bless you.

… and then continues his speech.

Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razorblade.

Dont panic, Im coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?

Yes, I shaved with the electric razor.

Doctor, Doctor, Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!

Do you drink a lot?

Not really – I spill most of it!

A man speaks frantically into the phone, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Is this her first child? the doctor queries.

No, you idiot! the man shouts. This is her husband!

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:

Im afraid were going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.

Well, if its just because of them, Id rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.

Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.

The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, Father, I never wear panties under my habit.

The priest chuckles and says, Thats not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Why cant blondes put in light bulbs?

They keep breaking them with the hammers.



How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

Whats a light bulb?

Or: You can change those things?!

Or: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, Daaaddy!



How does a blonde change a lightbulb?

She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.



Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up?

Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[This is YET ANOTHER one]

Yes, now women too can enjoy special just for her seminars taught by our
all-male faculty.

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN

Are you ready to leave?–Definition of the word yes
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly Honey, do I look fat?)
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar–Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS–Its YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: Its Happened Monthly
Since Puberty–Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving–Its As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game–A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: Me too equals I Love You)
How to Earn Your Own Money
Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LETS LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper response to other couples public arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around–Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
To Honor and Obey: Remembering the small print above I Do
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing his
Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

JHFROME and MTABBOTT @amherst.edu

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?A: Winnie the Pooh!

Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George, Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.

What do you mean? asked George.

Well, replied Charlie, I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!

Healthier? How is that? his buddy wondered.

Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed shed get these terrible headaches, he answered. Now that were older, she hasnt had a headache in years.

-From: Brian Lees:DGC

A man is traveling through the desert when he comes upon an an Indian lying on
the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks
the Indian what he is doing, to which the Indian replies Im telling the
time. The man tells the Indian that he doesnt believe it, so the Indian tells
him that it is 1:00. The man looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it
is exactly 1:00.

He travels a bit longer until he comes upon another naked Indian lying on the
ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. He asks this Indian what he is
doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. He tells the Indian to
prove it and the Indian tells him that it is 2:00. The man looks at his watch
and once again is amazed that the time is correct.

He continues his trek through the desert until he comes across an Indian lying
naked in the sand, masturbating. He asks this Indian and what the hell are you
doing?

To which the Indian replied: Im winding my watch!

An annotated thermometer

60 Californians put on sweaters

(if they can find one in their wardrobe)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

Wisconsinites plant gardens

40 You can see your breath

Californians shiver uncontrollably

Minnesotans go swimming

35 Italian cars dont start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

Minnesotans put on T-shirts

Politicians begin to worry about the homeless

Minnesota ice cream sales peak

British cars dont start

25 Boston water freezes

Californians weep pitiably

Minnesotans eat ice cream

Canadians go swimming

20 You can hear your breath

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless

New York City water freezes

Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars dont start

You plan a vacation in Mexico

Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 Too cold to ski

Snow removal becomes political controversy in Chicago

You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 You plan your vacation in Houston

American cars dont start

0 Alaskans put on T-shirts

Too cold to skate

-10 German cars dont start

Ice fishers close the doors on their shanties

Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo

Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects

Street salting becomes political controversy in Chicago

Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you

Politicians actually do something about the homeless

Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

People in Wisconsin think about taking down the screens

Japanese cars dont start

-25 Too cold to think

The Milwaukee Brewers head for Spring Training

You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two week hot bath

The Mighty Monongahela freezes

Swedish cars dont start

-40 Californians disappear

Minnesotans button top button

Canadians put on sweaters

Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes

Green Bay Packers practice indoors

Alaskans close the bathroom window

-60 Wisconsinites put away gloves and take out mittens

Polar bears move south

-70 Minnesotans replace diving boards with hockey nets

Green Bay snowmobilers organize a trans-lake race to
Sault Ste. Marie

-90 The edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro

Wisconsinites pull down their ear flaps

-100 Elderly people from Michigans Upper Peninsula travel
south to Wisconsin to enjoy warmer weather

Glacier removal becomes political controversy in
Chicago

-170 Whiskey freezes

Only cherries from Door County, Wisconsin are usable in
Old Fashioneds

-297 Oxygen precipitates from atmosphere

Microbial life survives only on Wisconsin dairy
products

-445 Superconductivity begins

-452 Helium liquefies

-460 All atomic motion ceases

Hell freezes over

Illinois drivers drop below 85 mph on I-90

Mayor of Chicago and Governor of Illinois reach
agreement about glacier removal plans

Minnesotans allow as how its getting nippy