Old and New Jokes

Dentist to Patient: Would you help me out? Id like you to give a few of your loudest screams?Patient: Why, Doc? It isnt all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I dont want to miss the 5 oclock baseball game.

A new lecturer (also a Bihari professor) was unable to control the class. The guys were just talking without giving any attention to him. So he wanted to send a guy who was creating most of the problem out. But he doesnt know how to put it in English. He went near the guy. Shouted, follow me .The guy followed him till he went out of the class. Now the lecturer turned back and again shouted, Dont follow me and went inside the class……….

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, –

You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know thats the first time in ten years weve been out of rye bread!

Patient: Doctor, youve got to help me, some mornings I wake up and think Im Donald Duck, other mornings I think Im Mickey Mouse.
Doctor: Hmmmmmmm, and how long have you been having these disney spells?

Late one night, many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was
stranded at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod – one that did not admit
Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, Sorry, no room. The
hotel is full.

The Jewish lady said, But your sign says that you have vacancies.

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, You know that we do
not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, Ill have you know I
converted to your religion.

The desk clerk said, Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was
Jesus born?

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born to a virgin named Mary in a
little town called Bethlehem.

Very good, replied the hotel clerk. Tell me more.

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born in a manger.

Thats right, said the hotel clerk. And why was he born in a
manger?

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldnt give a Jewish lady a room for the night!

Whats the difference between a porcupine and the White House?

With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps its not Walter whos lacking intelligence…With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up…And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary schools drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the schools "zero-tolerance" policy…not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy…Some Days, It Just Doesnt Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month — a short in the homeowners newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system…"And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldnt control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or Ill shoot," the man shouted, "Thats not what I said!"…Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the mans charred trousers in custody.Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm…wonder what he uses for a knife?

One, the rest just sit around and talk about how they did it first.

I have good news and bad news, a defense attorney told his client.

First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victims dress.



Oh, no – Im ruined! cried the client. Whats the good news?



Your cholesterol is down to 140!

There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack of preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Indiums in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem…and now for my own special gift to you, with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open.