Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap –

she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!

at 20 years she is like Africa

semi-explored

at 30 years she is like India

warm nature and mysterious

at 40 years she is like America

technicaly perfect

at 50 years she is like Europe

all in ruin

at 60 years she is like Siberia

evryone known where it is, but … no one wants to go

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail marys, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail marys.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail marys and hes on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the old man gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply, A can of Coke and a Mars Bar.

Hammer
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain
on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on
oneself.

Screwdriver
The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers
A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on
a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to
cast a heavy shadow over the area youre working on so that
you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone
The handymans 911.

Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to
harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old
paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesnt critique
the job youre doing or offer advice.

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been unfaithful with two guys while he had been gone. She wanted to break up and she wanted any pictures of herself that he had back.So the Ranger did what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: Im sorry I cant remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

Does anyone know what this is? She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, Sure, my daddy has two of them!

Two of them?! the teacher asked.

Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommys teeth!

One day George Bush, Bill Clinton and Bob Packwood decide to visit the Wizard of OZ. After a long travel along the yellow brick road they arrive at the Wizards Palace.
When they meet the Wizard he tells them that they may each have one wish fulfilled. The Wizard asks George Bush what he would like, to which George responds I would like to have a heart and a heart is given to him. The Wizard asks Bill Clinton what he would like, to which Bill responds I would like to have a brain and a brain is given to him.
The Wizard then asks Bob Packwood what he would like, to which Bob responds Uhmmmm is Dorothy anywhere around……..

Se encuentra una pareja de ancianos que tenían 40 años de casados y la ancianita se encuentra en las últimas. La viejita dice: Viejito, siento que me voy. Abre el cajón del ropero y saca la cajita que tengo ahí.

El viejito abre el cajón y saca la cajita, la abre y encuentra tres huevos y cien mil pesos. El viejito le pregunta: Qué significa esto. A lo cual la viejita responde: Mira viejito, cada vez que teníamos relaciones insatisfactorias colocaba un huevo en la cajita.

El viejito, asombrado, piensa: Tres huevos, signigica sexo insatisfactorio tres veces en cuarenta años: soy todo un garañón. Entonces, le pregunta a la viejita: ¿Y los cien mil pesos?

Contesta la viejita: ¡Ay viejito, es que cada vez que juntaba una docena la vendía!

Un tipo es detenido por un oficial de caminos cuando conducía hacia su casa en compañía de su esposa.

¿Cuál es el problema oficial?

Manejaba a 120 en una zona de 80.

No señor, iba a 85.

No es cierto Luis, ibas a 110, dice la esposa.

El tipo le echa una mirada de advertencia a su mujer.

También lo voy a multar por traer una de las luces descompuesta, le advierte el oficial.

¿Luz? ¿Cuál luz? No tenía idea de eso.

No te hagas Luis, esa luz está descompuesta desde hace más de 6 semanas, objeta su mujer.

Esta vez le echa una mirada equivalente a 17 cachetadas.

También lo multaré por no usar el cinturón de seguridad.

Pero si me lo quité en el momento que me detuvo.

Por favor, Luis, si tú nunca lo utilizas.

Esta vez Luis no soporta y le da un buen grito a su mujer: ¡Cierra el pico!

Señora, ¿su esposo le habla así normalmente?

No, sólo cuando está tomado.