Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blond boyfriends
18
Jul
18
Jul
A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.
No, Im not, the guy replies.
I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?
Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.
Well, what did you say to your best friend?
BAD DOG! BAD DOG!
18
Jul
A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the jacket and yells, Time for Super Sex!!!!!.
He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, Super Sex Super Sex Super Sex.
Finally, he replies, Ok, Ill take the soup.
18
Jul
4 KINDS OF SEX
HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the hall and say, FUCK YOU
COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of people for every penny youve got.
18
Jul
A blonde is taking a test for a job. The examiner asks some questions for general culture.
Do you know miss which is the boiling temperature of water?
I am not sure
Miss, either you know it or you dont know it
I am not sure
The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!
Mmmm. I see. Its the right angle that boils at 90 degrees!
18
Jul
La maestra les encargó de tarea a sus alumnos contar una historia de la vida real y decir la moraleja que dicha historia les dejó.
Laurita comienza:
Mi hermano andaba con unos muchachos muy malos y después él comenzó a portarse igual que ellos. La moraleja es: el que con lobos anda a aullar aprende.
Sigue Juanito:
A mi mamá le vendieron una cadena muy brillante y a los pocos dÃas comenzó a herrumbrarse. La moraleja es: no todo lo que brilla es oro.
Y asà todos lo demás hasta que le llegó el turno a Pepito:
Yo tenÃa un pollito en la casa. Un dÃa se cagó en la sala y el perro se comió la cagada; después salió a la calle y lo mató un carro. La moraleja es: ningún come mierda debe salir a la calle.
18
Jul
Forman a todos los marinos porque el general les va a pasar revista. Al ir recorriendo la fila, el general ve a un marinero con un botón desabrochado y le da tremendo golpe preguntándole:
¿Le dolió?
¡No, señor!
¿Por qué?, pregunta el superior.
¡Porque soy de la Marina!
El oficial sigue caminando y ve a un marino con la agujeta del zapato desabrochada. Entonces, le da un golpazo.
¿Le dolió?
¡No, señor!
¿Por qué?
¡Porque soy de la Marina!
Sigue la revista y al detectar un marino con el zÃper del pantalón abajo, le da tremebundo patadón en esa parte.
¿Le dolió?
¡No, señor!
¿Por qué?
¡Porque son de plastilina!
18
Jul
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant!
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed later!
DAY 762 – I Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at un-Godly hours of the night!
DAY 765 – I Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. . . I must try this with their baby!
–Kitty
18
Jul
Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender Ill have a pint of Bud please and the second donkey says hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that
18
Jul
When God created man, he gave him 20 years of sex. Man asked God for more, but God said 20 years was enuff. When God created monkey, he gave him 20 years.
Monkey said to God, I only need 10 years.
Man heard this and spoke up God may I have the other 10 years?
God said okay.
God then gave 20 years to the lion.
However, lion spoke up and said that 10 years was plenty for sex.
Again man spoke up and requested the other 10 years.
God gave him the extra 10 years again.
God then gave the donkey 20 years of sex, but again the donkey thought 10 years was enuff.
Man spoke up again and requested the other 10 years.
God gave him the other 10 years.
This is why man has 20 years good sex, 10 years monkeying around, 10 years lion about it, and 10 years making a jackass of himself.