Un dÃa en la escuela la profesora estaba pasando lista:
¿Lola Lopez?
Presente.
¿Miguel Soles?
Presente.
Y asà sigue, hasta que llega hasta Pepito, que era el mas vulgar.
Pepito Angulo.
Me pica el culo.
La profesora sale enojada del salón de clase y se va donde la directora, esta le dice que diga el nombre al revés y punto.
Al dÃa siguiente pasa lista muy confiada:
Reyes Adrián.
Presente.
Hasta que llegó donde Pepito, pensando te jodi, Pepito.
Angulo Pepito.
¡Me pica igualito!
Yo mama was fired from the sperm bank because she got caught drinking on the job!
Problem: World Hunger
Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.
Problem: World Peace
Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.
Problem: Poverty
Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.
Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)
Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.
Problem: War
Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.
Problem: Injustice
Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.
Problem: Over Population
Solution: Sterilize the population.
Problem: Nuclear Weapons
Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.
Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples
Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip… and us the probing.
Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks
Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.
Problem: Stupid People
Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.
Problem: Bad Parents
Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.
Problem: Animal Abuse
Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.
Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?
Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)
Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.
Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same
Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesnt work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.
It was stuck to the chickens foot!
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?
The blonde said, I want 15 gallons. Im going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.
The milkman replied, Oh, OK. Pasteurized?
The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said…
No. Just up to my boobs.
A bride and groom who had never had sex before were on their honeymoon. The groom, not wanting to upset his wife, warned her by saying, Honey, just so you know, Im hung like an infant. Oh sweetie, thats okay, she answered, I married you because I love you, not because of stuff like that.So the groom opens his robe. The brides face goes white, and she lets out a scream of fright.But honey, I warned you! the groom says, Like an infant…eight pounds, 21 inches!
There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one
is Polish, and one is Italian.
They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.
When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.
The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, How many grains of sand are there in the world? The Italian guy says, Um, four trillion? and falls straight to Hell.
The polish guy goes next and wants the angel toe ask a question. The angel says, How many drops of water are there in all of the worlds oceans? He says, Uh, ninety-eight billion? and also falls straight to Hell.
Finally, its the Americans turn. He tells the angel he will ask the
question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, Which hole did my fart go through? The angel replies, Thats easy, and points to a hole.
The American says…
No, it came out of this one! and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the
average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained
that it was surprisingly high.
Ill tell you what, said the cynic, ask that waitress a simple math
question. If she gets it right, Ill pick up dinner. If not, you do.
He then excused himself to visit the mens room, and the other called
the waitress over.
When my friend comes back, he told her, Im going to ask you a question,
and I want you to respond one third x cubed. Theres twenty bucks in
it for you. She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. The
food was wonderful, thank you, the mathematician started. Incidentally,
do you know what the integral of x squared is?
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at
her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, Um, one third x cubed?
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few
paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath,
…plus a constant.
For cat people everwhere – Enjoy 🙂
Rules for cats who have a house to run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the humans bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it. Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasnt worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."