Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Trimarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Leave it out, it was only attracting mosquitos anyway.

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend.

In his grief, one of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to pay taxs over there.

They all agreed that this was appropriate.

The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket and walked away in tears.

The car salesman did the same.

The lawyer looked around and seeing no one was near the coffin, he took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

Renounce Satan! yelled Father Sullivan.



No!, said the dying man.



I say, renounce the devil and his works!

No way!, the man repeats.



And why, in the name of all that is holy, not? asks Father Murphy.



Because, said the dying man…

I want to wait until I see where Im heading before I start pissing anyone off!

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasnt happy about that: When are you going to learn to be polite?

Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?

Tom: The smaller piece, of course.

Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.

It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

(Q.)What does a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

(A.)They both can smell it but cant taste it.

Did you hear the one about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!The programmer simply smiled and said,
Where do you think the Chaos came from?

A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.