You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
16
Jun
16
Jun
Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
16
Jun
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over womens breasts is good for a mans health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well endowed female such as Baywatch actress Pamela Lee is equivalent to a 30 minute aerobics workout, declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Bouncer
Dr. Bouncer and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.
The study revealed that after five years, the chest watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation, explains Dr. Bouncer. Theres no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half.
Dr. Bouncer suggested that men over the age of 40 spend at least 10 minutes a day looking at breasts sized D-cup or greater. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.
Dr. Bouncer says she would advise U.S. males to watch jiggle shows on TV, rent low budget women-in-prison movies and peruse mens magazines such as Playboy as often as possible.
The expert also listed several bosomy celebs whose headlights were most likely to yield a beneficial health effect. These amply endowed angels of mercy include Dolly Parton, Heather Locklear, Anna Nicole Smith and Demi Moore.
16
Jun
Uh Oh! said an ardent young man reading a letter.
His friend, standing near him, said, Bad news?
Disturbing news, anyway, said the young man. Its from someone who says if I dont stay away from his wife, hell kill me.
In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife.
Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous.
16
Jun
Q. Why dont polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.
16
Jun
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Some become unintentionally suggestive:
Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Childs stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Grammar often botches other headlines:
Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
War dims hope for peace
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Childs death ruins couples holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
16
Jun
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
- 532.35 cm3 gluten
- 4.9 cm3 NaHCO-3
- 4.9 cm3 refined halite
- 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
- 177.45 cm3 crystalline C-12H-22O-11
- 177.45 cm3 unrefined C-12H-22O-11
- 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
- Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
- 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
- 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
Procedures:
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (hereafter referred to as reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.
In a second 2-L reactor vessel (hereafter referred to as reactor # 2) with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the said mixture is homogeneous.
To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.
Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstons first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.
Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table. Allow the product sufficient time to come to equilibrium.
16
Jun
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?
Little Johnny waves his hand, Me, miss, me, me!
Teacher says All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?
Little Johnny says Mas-tur-bate.
Teacher smiles and says Wow, little Johnny, thats a mouthful.
Little Johnny says No, miss, youre thinking of a blowjob. Im talking about a wank.
16
Jun
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry."Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
16
Jun
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. Sidney thought of everything, she told them. Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. Tillie, he told me, I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace. What was in the envelopes? her friends asked. The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, Please use this money to buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably. The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending. And the third envelope? asked her friends.
The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone. Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
So, do you like my stone? showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.