Not only is she a little young, but youre sure that you used to date
her mother.
…You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little
league with her.
…She has a thicker moustache than you.
…When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.
…You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.
…Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
…You are the first guy that shes gone out with that isnt her cousin.
…At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
…She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
…You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.
…At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.
…She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan.
…She constantly complains that her cat wont stop laughing at her.
…She informs you that you cant go out again because her spirit guide doesnt like you.
…She informs you that you cant go out again because her boyfriend doesnt like you.
Youve ever referred to someone as my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend.
One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.
When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, Thats it for you. No honey for a week.
Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.
After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boys mother stomping on cockroaches.
The little boy turned to his father and said, Should I tell her or should you?
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, I thought we had a deal.
The pastor put the $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered back, She made me a much better offer.
Harps Corollary To Estridges Law: Your IBM PC-compatible computer grows more incompatible with every passing moment.
A: He pull out his Diners Club card.
General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags
Detroit–
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market
down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win
airbag contest Monday.
The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in
all of the companys 1997 cars.
Auto accidents have never been so exciting, said GM vice-president
of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997
sales significantly. When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag
Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super
Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a years worth of free Mobil gasoline.
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag
promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
overwhelmingly positive.
As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner! said
Cincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when
the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and
slammed into an oncoming truck. When the car stopped rolling down the
embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was
getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that
airbag!
Its really addictive, said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp,
speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
Ive already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl
tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win those
tickets–even if it kills me!
Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
received. In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats
understandable. After all, theyre scary and dangerous and, sometimes,
even fatal, GM CEO Paul Offerman said. But now,
when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash could
mean serious cash. Who wouldnt like that?
Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.
According to GMs official contest rules, odds of winning the grand
prize, a brand-new 1997 Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
significantly worse. If you factor in the odds of getting in a
serious car accident in the first place–approximately 1 in 720,000–
the actual odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car
are more like 1 in 31 trillion.
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the
airbag will inflate. I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
my new Chevy Cavalier, said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. My car
was totaled, and because it was the side of my car that got hit, my
airbag didnt even inflate. But what really gets me is the fact that
the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his 1997 Buick
Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. Thats just wrong.
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and youre afraid to tell your wife.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
Your childrens school calls to surrender.
The brides family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you *dont* talk to them.
All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?
Answer: Cheap-Cheap