Old and New Jokes

You probably wont believe this but one day my father-in-law Joe and I were out fishing, well casting would be a more accurate. Well when Joe and I fish we also like to take along something to keep warm, usually 80 proof.

That particular day the fish were not biting and we got a bit caught up in keeping warm. After a while I started clowning around and for a joke I put a minnow on my hook and then dipped it into my cup of Ol Loudmouth and cast it into the lake.

Believe it or not I got an immediate strike and after a major fight landed a 12 pound bass. And that minnow had him right by the throat!

Accidents in the back seat of the car cause children.

Mrs Goldstein was playing a round of golf on a hot afternoon when she hit the ball right into the rough. She went to fetch it and where the ball had landed she found a frog in a trap.

Please help me the frog exclaimed, If you let me out Ill grant you three wishes!

Without wasting any time Mrs Goldstein releases the frog and waits for him to speak again.

What I failed to tell you, the frog said, is that whatever YOU wish for, Mr Goldstein will get 10 times better or more

Mrs Goldstein is happy anyway and goes ahead with her first wish.

I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world! she demanded

You do realise, said the frog, that Mr Goldstein will become the most handsome man in the world and all women will flock to him.

However, Mrs Goldstein believes that if she is the most beautiful woman in the world, then he will only have eyes for her.


Next come her second wish:

I wish I was the richest woman in the world!

And so the frog tld her that Mr Goldstein will be 10 times richer than her. However Mrs Goldstein knew that as his wife whatever money belongs to him also belongs to her.

And finally, the frog said, youre last wish Mrs Goldstein?

I would like a mild heart attck!

As told by Peter Ludwig of Austria at the National Cave Rescue Commission
Cave Rescue Training Seminar:

How do you tell an Optimist from a Pessimist?

An optimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 marks.

A pessimist feels that in 20 years a pair of shoes will cost only 100 rubles.

[Ed: Or, of course, an Optimist feels that this is the best of all possible
worlds, and a Pessimist worries that the optimist may be right. ]

Once there was a little boy called Rohit who lived in the country.

They had to use an outhouse, and Rohit hated it because it was hot in
the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the river.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Rohit decided
today was the day to push the outhouse into the river. So he
got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled
into the river and floated away.

That night his dad Kanjibhai told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

Kanjibhai replied, someone pushed the outhouse into the river today.

It was you, wasnt it, son?

Rohit answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said,

Dad, I read in school today that Gandhiji chopped down a Pipal tree and
didnt get into trouble because he told the truth.

The dad replied, well, son, Gandhijis father wasnt in that Pipal
tree!

There was a blonde, red, and brunette head and they each called into a radio station and had to say how many ns were in Indiana Jones. The brunette called and said three, she got the money. the red called and said three she got the money. The blonde called in and said seventy seven. He asked how did you get seventy seven? she said you know the theme song. nanananananananananananananana….

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but only after asking Why?

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He
looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,
and walked into the managersrs office, making it clear he
wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, I cant hire a dog
for this job.

The dog pointed to the line: An equal opportunity
employer.

So the manager said, OK, take this letter and type it.
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a
minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted.

The manager said, Alright, heres a problem. Write a
computer program for it and run it.

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.

The manager still wasnt convinced. I still cant hire
you for this position. Youve got to be bilingual.

The dog looked up at the manager and said, Meow.

Dos amigas están charlando:

Tía, ¿qué te pasa que estás tan triste?

¡Joder, es que nadie quiere follarme porque mi chocho apesta!

Bah, no te preocupes, yo conozco a un boxeador al que le machacaron la nariz durante una pelea y ahora el pobre no puede oler nada. Te lo presento y verás qué bien.

Total que la chica queda con el boxeador y todo va bien hasta que se meten en la cama… De improviso, el boxeador se levanta y empieza a vestirse.

Pero, hombre, ¿qué te pasa?

Me voy, el chocho te huele demasiado.

¡Pero si tú no puedes oler nada!

¡Sí, pero ya los ojos me están llorando!

1. Whine



2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no.

Then get mad when you are believed.



3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties,

start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.



4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.



5. Whine.



6. If you are trying to sleep, its because youre exhausted from your

almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to

sleep, its because he is lazy.



7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.



8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.



9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying

for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required

gifts proving his love.



10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle,

tell him youre irregular from all of the stress of your life.



11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend

must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed

immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.



12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about

doing anything other than catering to your needs.