Old and New Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks. What are those used for? he asked. St. Peter said, theres one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. Why do they move at different speeds, he asked. St.Peter said, Every time you tell a lie you lose one day of your life.

The newcomer looked around and then asked, Do you have one of these for Laloo Prasad Yadav ? St. Peter answered, Sure, it is in the back room, we use it for a ceiling fan!!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. What are you doing? She asked. Hunting Flies He responded. Oh. Killing any? She asked. Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied. Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell them apart? He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.

Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

Said the store manager, Sorry, kid, but baggers cant be juicers.

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

This is your doctor, says the voice on the phone. We have the results back from your tests, and Im sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

G.A.S.H? replies the patient. What the hell is that?

Its a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes, explains the doctor.

My gosh, Doc! screams the man in a panic, what are we going to do?

Well were going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread, says the doctor matter-of-factly.

Will that cure me?

Well no, says the doctor, but its the only food that will fit under the door.

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!

IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck

Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to turn up the day before when youre out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

Un hombre entra en una cafeteria, llama al mesero y pide un café toma su café y hasta aquí todo va muy normal, al terminar llama al mesero y le pide la cuenta, el mesero le dice:

Son $510, señor.

Nuestro hombre se levanta lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca un manojo de monedas de $10, y comienza a lanzarlas por todo el establecimiento mientras dice:

$10, $20, $30, $40, $50, $60 …$490, $500, $510… Cóbrese.

Y se va.

Al día siguiente nuestro hombre regresa a la cafeteria y todo ocurre igual, llama al mesero y pide un café, toma su café y hasta aquí todo va muy normal, al terminar llama al mesero y le pide la cuenta, el mesero le dice:

Son $510, señor.

Nuestro hombre se levanta lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca un billete de $1.000 y dice:

Cóbrese.

El mesero, con su venganza muy bien planeada, va hasta la caja y pide al cajero que le de $490 en monedas de $10, regresa hasta la mesa y parado frente al señor comienza a lanzarlas por todo el establecimiento mientras dice:

$10, $20, $30, $40, $50, $60… $470, $480, $490

Ahí tiene su cambio señor.

Nuestro hombre se levanta de la mesa lleva su mano al bolsillo y saca dos monedas de $10, las lanza diciendo:

$500, $510… ¿Por favor me trae otro café?

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.