Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman.

After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

She turns to him and says, Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?

The drunk replied, Yes maam, I have indeed shit myself.

The woman says, Well, why dont you go somewhere and clean yourself up?

The drunk says, Cos Im not finished yet…

Una secretaria llega a la oficina con un impresionante abrigo de visón.

Asombrada, su compañera le pregunta que de dónde lo ha sacado.

Pues mira, ayer el jefe me invitó a cenar; después me llevó a su casa; abrió un gran armario lleno de maravillosos abrigos y me dijo: escoge el que quieras, y yo escogí éste.

Ya, bueno, pero ¡tú le habrás tenido que hacer algo! ¿no?

Bueno sí, la verdad es que he tenido que sacarle el bajo porque me quedaba un poco corto…

El profesor de Ciencias Naturales decide hacer una prueba oral y llama a una alumna:

Existe una parte del cuerpo del hombre que se pueda dilatar hasta siete veces su tamaño. ¿Cuál es esa parte?

No puedo decirlo, profesor…, responde la alumna, roja de vergüenza.

Entonces por no responder, tiene cero. La respuesta correcta es las pupilas de los ojos. ¡A juzgar por su respuesta tiene usted mucha imaginación y seguramente no tardará en tener también una gran decepción!

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ.

When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked wheres Dorothy?

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words I do.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

I said, WHAT?? So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Im thinking, What was her first clue?

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I dont think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesnt even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, Im ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No, honey. I dont feel like buying all this stuff now. You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

Knock-knock

Whos there?



Mark Bookspan



Quick, bolt the door!

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, I need a vacation. Im too stressed out. I think Ill go fishing for the weekend.

Okay, she says. Ill pack for you.



So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, Wow, I feel a lot better now!



How did I pack? the wife asks.



You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas, he replies.



No I didnt, she says. I didnt have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box!

A disagreeable task is its own reward.

I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.