Old and New Jokes

Post-graduate in School of Love.

Yo mamas so thin when she turns sideways she dissapears.

One day a pregnant lady that was expecting triplets was walking through a gangster neighborhood, and was shot three times. When she went to the emergency room, the doctor said that she would live, but that the kids might experience complications as they got older.

Ten years later, the first kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!

A day or so later, the second kid came running down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what? I pooped a bullet!

The third kid come down the stairs and said, Mommy Mommy! Guess what?

She said, Let me guess… You pooped a bullet?

He said, No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog.

ARTERY. . . . . . . . .THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS

BACTERIA. . . . . . . .BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA

BARIUM. . . . . . . . .WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES

BOWEL. . . . . . . . .A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U

CESAREAN SECTION. . . .A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME

CAT SCAN. . . . . . . .SEARCHING FOR A KITTY

CAUTERIZE. . . . . . .HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER

COLIC. . . . . . . . .A SHEEP DOG

COMA. . . . . . . . .A PUNCTUATION MARK

D & C. . . . . . . . .WHERE WASHINGTON IS

DILATE. . . . . . . .TO LIVE LONG

ENEMA. . . . . . . . .NOTA FRIEND

FESTER. . . . . . . . .QUICKER

FIBULA. . . . . . . . .A SMALL LIE

GENITAL. . . . . . . .NOT A JEW

G. I. SERIES. . . . .A SOLDIERS BALL GAME

HANGNAIL. . . . . . . .COAT HOOK

IMPOTENT. . . . . . . .DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN

LABOR PAIN. . . . . . .GETTING HURT AT WORK

MEDICAL STAFF. . . . .A DOCTORS CANE

MORBID. . . . . . . . .A HIGHER OFFER

NITRATES. . . . . . . .CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES

NODE. . . . . . . . . .WAS AWARE OF

OUTPATIENT. . . . . . .A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED

PAP SMEAR. . . . . . .A FATHERHOOD TEST

PELVIS. . . . . . . . A COUSIN TO ELVIS

POST OPERATIVE. . . . .LETTER CARRIER

RECOVERY ROOM. . . . . .PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY

RECTUM. . . . . . . . .DAMN NEAR KILLED EM

SECRETION. . . . . . .HIDING SOMETHING

SEIZURE. . . . . . . .ROMAN EMPEROR

TABLET. . . . . . . . .SMALL TABLE

TERMINAL ILLNESS. . . . .GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT

ULTRASOUND. . . . . . . .VERY GOOD MUSIC

URINE. . . . . . . . . .OPPOSITE OF YOURE OUT

VARICOSE. . . . . . . .NEAR BY

VEIN. . . . . . . . . .CONCEITED

(A true story from my friend in the Army)

In this particular branch of the Armys officer training school,
the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their
work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the
early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.

Four-seven-seven-zero? he asked.
Here, replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though,
he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.

Seven-zero-seven-five? asked the instructor.
Here, repeated the student, gearing for trouble.

I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier, spoke the teacher.
Thats right, sir, answered our hero. I have a nick-number.

Borrowed without permission from Jeff Foxworthys Christmas song:

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

Pack of Bud
Rasslin tickets

tin of copenhagen
years probation
table dancers
cans of redman
cans of spam
Flannel Shirts
Mud Grip Tires
Shotgun Shells
Huntin dogs

and some parts to a Mustang GT

If youre from Georgia youll understand the Mud Grip Tires 🙂

An old cowboy, dressed in cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink. As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy?

To which he replied, Well, Ive spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences … so I guess I am.

After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied, Ive never been on a ranch so Im not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV – everything seems to make me think of women.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy?

To which he replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that Im a lesbian.

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied, About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, she responded.
I mean, he continued, What are your relations like?
I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.
He said, Do you have a real grudge?
No, she replied, We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.
Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.
Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?
Yes, she responded, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why do you want a divorce?
Oh, I dont want a divorce, she replied. Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me.

A guy walks into a bar and just gets wasted smashed he cant even walk so the bar tender gets him a cab he goes home and comes back the next day to thank the bar tender the bar tender asks how did the night go and he says it sucked i blew chunks in every room of my house and the bar tender says that must of been a bitch to clean up and he says no dude chunks is my dog

Another blonde, another store. . .

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:

I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

Does he use the ball kind? inquired the clerk.

No, replied the blonde, The kind for under his arms.