In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb

The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.



With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.



Canadium Eh

Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.



Innofensium Pc

Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.



Newtium

Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.



Quaylium Vp

Einsteinium it aint.



Budweisium Ps

Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.



Cabmium Cb

Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.



Politicium Po

Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.



Congress Cg

Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.



Snot Sn

Bonds forever with corduroy.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Guthrie!
Guthrie who!
Guthrie three blind mice!

Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.

Were making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.

Q. What do Burger King and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. Why both slap thier meat between 4 year old buns.

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. Why did you do that?asked the other men. We have plenty of fine wine in France, said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. Why did you do that? asked the other men. We have plenty of cigars in Cuba, said the Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw him off the cliff. What did you do that for? asked the French man. We have plenty of Cubans in America, answered the American man.

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a
London hotels staff and one of its guests. The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.


WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE FREE SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank
you,
S. Berman


———————————————————————-

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my
instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid


———————————————————————-

Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I wont need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman


———————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were
in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didnt remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please
let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty


———————————————————————-


Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


———————————————————————-

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and dont get back before 530 or 6PM. Thats the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman


———————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper


———————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman


———————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a
room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


———————————————————————-


Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I dont want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize
I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman


———————————————————————-

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I dont
know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I dont know where you got the idea
this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


———————————————————————-

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.

As of today I possess:

– On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
– On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
– On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
– In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
– On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
– On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Its career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says, My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook.

Good Rodney says the teacher, how about you, Jimmy?

Jimmy stands up and stammers, My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-K-… no …

The teacher interrupts, Never mind Jimmy, sit down, how about you Johnny?

Johnny stands up and says, My dads a bookie, thats B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today hed give you ten to one odds that theres no way Jimmys ever gonna spell electrician!

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.

How did you get it fixed?

Well I just dipped my finger in the cows vagina and rubbed it all over the bulls nose and he got right after her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cows vagina and rubs it all around the bulls nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and cant get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wifes vagina and feeling that its nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, Honey, look!

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?