Old and New Jokes

A son calls his parents from college.

Mom, I have good news. Im getting married!.

Oy, Abram come, come our only son is getting married. What wonderful news.

But wait mom. There is something that I need to tell you.

Yes son?

Mom, she is African American.

African-American, South-American, it doesnt matter. We are not racists. Just come home and well throw you a big wedding, all the family will be there, just come.

Wait mom. There is something else. Well….she has five children.

Oy, bring the kids. Your father and I will play with them, take them to the park. We will have a good time, just come home.

But mom, you and dad have such a small apartment, there is barely enough room for the two of you. Where will dad lay down?

Your father will lay down on the floor.

But mom, what about you? Where will you sleep?

Me? Im gonna take this phone cord and fucking hang myself!

What is the difference between out-laws, and in-laws?

Moshe had a happy marriage for 25 years.


For the 25th aniversary they have decided to go to the same place they had their first sex and do it like they did it the first time.


So, they went to the same forest next to the city and found the same hidden place they had sex 25 years ago.


After all the action was over Moshe said:


– Listen,dear, we ve had sex with you for 25 years but such a performance like today you have never done before. Such good movement, so nice twisting………


– Oh – the wife said – if you had on your bottom the nettles I had today youd twist too!

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the barender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, You dont want the usual?

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. No. Coors makes my pussy sore!

An old wizard was walking through a park when he came upon two statues. One statue was male and the other was female. They were positioned on opposite ends of the park, facing each other with their arms extended out as if to embrace. The wizard stood there for a long time examining their sad facial expressions until he got an idea. He immediately opened up his bag of tricks and cast a spell on the statues to bring them to life. Once the statues realized they were human, they quickly ran up to him. The wizard, being very pleased with himself, told the statues that they could finally be together as a couple but there was one condition. He said, Go off and experience with each other whatever youve wanted to do for all these years but you must be back within a half an hour before the spell wears off. Wasting no time, they quickly ran off into the bushes. The wizard, with great pride, sat down on a park bench and waited patiently. Fifteen minutes later the two statues came walking back to him. The wizard, with great shock exclaimed, For over a hundred years you both have bore your passions and now that you have your chance, you come back after only fifteen minutes? Go back to the bushes and continue what you were doing before you lose your only chance! With that in mind the female turns to the male and exclaims, The old mans right. But this time you hold down the pigeons and Ill crap on them!

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday and thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say Happy Birthday, dear.

All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didnt say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running in yelling Give me a slice of toast!, Im late!, and Where is my coat?!, Im going to miss the bus!!. Feeling more for the office …

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice smile and a Happy Birthday, boss, and said Ill get you some coffee. Her remembering made me feel a lot better.

Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said Since its your birthday, why dont we have lunch together. Thinking it would make me feel better, I said that was a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday, I said Why dont we drive out of town and have off going to the usual place.

So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said Why dont we go by my place and Ill fix you another martini.

It sounded like a good idea since we didnt have anything to do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us both a martini and after a while she said If youll excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable and she left the room.

In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her was my wife and all my kids and there I satwith nothing on but my socks.

if a 12 dick was coming out of your forehead would you see it? no the balls would be covering your eyelids.

One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park. Suddenly,

the blondes friend said, Oh, look, a dead birdie. The blonde looked up

and said, Where?

En un manicomio, un par de médicos están practicándoles exámenes a los locos para ver si alguno de ellos ya había mejorado. Así que pintan una puerta en la pared y los apremian:

Vayan a abrirla.

Todos los chalados inmediatamente se levantaron a abrirla; solamente uno se quedó sentado. Los doctores, al ver esto, se dijeron entre ellos:

Mira, parece que ya se compuso, vamos a verlo.

Se dirigen hacia el orate solitario:

¿Por qué no te levantaste, como tus otros compañeros, a abrir la puerta?

Es que yo traigo la llave, responde sonriendo con picardía.