Old and New Jokes

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers God Save The Queen and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers Viva La France and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

How would you like it if you didnt see me for two or three days?

To which he replied.

That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

One juror overheard saying to another. . .

Youll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!

En la clase de Ciencias Naturales, la maestra pregunta a sus alumnos:

Lolita, ¿cómo se llama la vena que recoge toda la sangre del cuerpo y la manda al corazón?

No sé, maestra.

La vena cava, Lolita.

A ver, Carlitos, ¿cómo se llama la vena que va desde los pulmones al corazón?

No sé, maestra.

La vena pulmonar, Carlitos.

Entonces, Jaimito le pregunta a la maestra:

Maestra, ¿cómo se llama la vena que va desde la boca al culo?

¡Jaimito, no seas grosero, por Dios, esa no existe, niño!

Si existe, maestra, y se llama la vena Quacker!

Estaba un viejito bañandose en una bañera, cuando de repente empieza a dar gritos como loco llamando a la viejita:

Vieja, vieja, vieja, ven pa que veas esto, mira fíjate como va para ariba, ay qué sabroso, se siente un friíto divino, ay siento que me revive ay, ay…

La viejita, que era un poco odiosa, le responde:

No, viejo, eso no va para arriba, ese bicho lo que está es flotando.

A man goes hunting on day and sees a big bear ..so he thinks to himself that would look great in my game room…so he picks up his little rifle///takes aim…and fires….loud bang,big cloud of smoke….i got him the hunter says..he runs over to get his prize…look down and no bear…just then he feels a tap on his sholder..he turns around and the bear says to him…suck my dick or die so the hunter does his thing to the bear and goes home pissed off….

the next day the hunter returns for pay back with an even bigger gun… ill get him this time he says….he spots the bear takes aim…fires…loud bang…big cloud of smoke…he runs over to where the bear is…nothing…the hunter feels a tap on his sholder turns around and the bear says suck my dick or die hunter does it and goes home really pissed now…

next day hunter brings a fucking rocket launcher…sees the bear and boom!!!! the hunter runs over to where is and still nothing…he feels another tap on his sholder and the bear says…..your not here for the hunting are you

Teacher:How on earth can you write wire with 2 rs?



John:With a pen,miss.

What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about?

42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.44. Put down your book, then say, “Hey, ya wanna trade?”45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, “IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!! IT’S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN’T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!”46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, “I know what you did last summer.”47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you’re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.49. Start singing “This is the song that never ends. . .”50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, “I took singing lessons!”52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, “Hey! How ya doin’? That’s great, me too.”53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, “I have mail!!”55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, “I measure sock by thickness!”56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.57. State proudly that you have been to the ‘other’ side. Give no explanation.58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get

Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past. Gee, said the first old codger. Id love an ice cream right now. Would you like me to get you one? asked the second old bloke. Are you joking? the first old fart snapped back. Youd forget my order straight away. No I wouldnt, replied the second. All right, then, said his mate. I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips, and a cherry on top. The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, I knew I shouldve gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!