One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. How many wise men were there? St. Peter asks the first man. Three. He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.How long did the flood last? St. Peter asks the second man. Forty days and forty nights. He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?The man thinks and thinks, but cant come up with an answer. Boy, thats a hard one, he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.
One year at Christmas my mom went to my sisters house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister was, mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.
When it came time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took my mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee.
Heard on CBC Radio Prime Time:
Why wont the NHL let Hamilton have a hockey franchise?
Because then Toronto would want one too.
A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops
the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.
The Jew asks how do i know?
Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?
Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Un borracho entra en un bar; se acerca a la barra y pide una cerveza. Mientras se la bebe dice en voz alta y muy embriagado:
Todos los que están a mi derecha de la barra son unos imbéciles. Y todos los que están a mi izquierda son unos gilipollas.
Salta uno de los de su izquierda y reclama:
¡Perdona, pero yo no soy un gilipollas!
Pues pasa al otro lado, ¡IMBÉCIL!