Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact

Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home.
I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the
driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and
sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and
we end up having a fight.

Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few
times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam
the door. Then I yell Honey, Im home, run upstairs, slap her on
the ass and say, How about a little love, woman? She never
even moves.

No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
Beer doesnt tell you how to have sex.
Beer has never caused a major war.
They dont force Beer on minors who cant think for themselves.
When you have a Beer, you dont knock on peoples doors trying to give it away.
Nobodys ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
You dont have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
There are laws saying Beer labels cant lie to you.
You can prove you have a Beer.
If youve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife… When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home.

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.



Hillary said: Do you know what you did you rotten bastard You got me pregnant!!!



Bill remained quiet.



Again, Hillary screamed, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!



Finally Bill answered, Who is this???

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall.

Like dogs do, it raised its leg and started to do his thing. The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, Wow, how did you teach him to pee like that?

The second man then replies, I didnt teach him. Hes done it ever since the wall fell on him!

Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.
That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
Hey, you mustve been doin about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
You dont happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesnt inspire confidence.
Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow
Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy?
Didnt I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend s nightstand.
When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
Gee, officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Arent you the guy from the village people?
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, thats how far they are ahead of me.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didnt let you play with your gun when you were little?
Sorry I cant hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, man, you want a hit?
Hey is that a 9 mm? Thats nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… Look at the bright side, shes a really good lay.

My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Youve announced that youre gay, wont that be a laugh, when they find out youre one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead… it was once so alive Dont you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car… and cant remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry?

Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.

Un zoológico había comprado una gorila hembra de una especie rara. Tras unas semanas, la gorila se volvió irritable y difícil de manejar. Tras examinarla, el veterinario determinó que estaba en celo, lo cual era un gran problema, ya que no había ningún macho de esa especie disponible.

Tras pensarlo detenidamente, el administrador del zoológico reparó en Manolo, un empleado responsable de limpiar las jaulas. Manolo tenía reputación de saber satisfacer a cualquier mujer y no parecía muy listo. Tal vez podrían convencerlo de satisfacer a la gorila. Así que le propusieron: ¿Aceptarías hacerlo con la gorila por 500 dólares?

Manolo dijo que podría intersarle, pero que deseaba pensarlo un poco.

Al día siguiente, Manolo dijo que aceptaba, con tres condiciones:

Primero, no quiero tener que besarla. Segundo, no quiero saber nada de hijos.

El administrador aceptó sin pestañear estas condiciones, pero ¿cuál era la tercera?

¡Bueno, me tienen que dar otra semana para juntar los 500 dólares!