Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was not changing his mind.

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there is a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you dont have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

Una mujer le explica a la persona que está frente a ella:

Doctor, estoy enferma, siento un ardor en el corazón…

Señorita, en primer lugar yo no soy médico, soy el cantinero. Segundo, usted no está enferma: está borracha y, tercero, el ardor es porque tiene una teta metida en el cenicero.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

Very well, said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that weve got all the good players and the best coaches.

I know, and thats all right, Satan answered unperturbed. Weve got all the umpires.

When all other means of communication fail, try words.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

Yo mama so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,

Spit em out, theyre assholes!

Higherarchy: government by the tall
Knockknockracy: rule by whoever is there
Maytreearchy: rule by a government that leaves in the spring
Hipocracy: rule by the in crowd
Plutocracy: Mickey Mouse government gone to the dogs
Woodstockracy: Free rule, man

Why does it take two cops to arrest a Mexican?

It takes one to write the ticket, and one to hold the oranges.

Has someone told you a joke that you find isnt very funny? Do the following and it should be much more interesting:1) Eat nothing but candy for the next two days. Chocolate and marshmallows work best.
2) Take a caffeine pill every 4-6 hours. Do not swallow with water, use pink lemonade.
3) Search the internet for pictures of penguins, monkeys, platypuses, or other amusing animals.
4) Make a recording of several coffee grinders on at once.
5) After being hopped up on sugar and cocaine, lock yourself in a bright room and play your tape of coffee grinders. Start this at noon.
6) At 7:00 the next morning (Dont fall asleep!) Have someone repeat the joke that you found to not be funny. Also, make them dress up like the amusing animal you found pictures of.
7)Now, you should be so tired and so hopped up on sugar and caffeine that your friends joke will be funny. Heck, this joke might even me funny!:-)

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words defeat, deduct, defense, and detail. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!