A preschool teacher thought it would be interesting for her students to learn to identify different names for the various kinds of meats. One day, she cooked up several different meats and labeled them. As each student took a bite they were asked to identify the animal.

Little Sherry took a bite of the meat labeled beef and correctly said that it came from a cow. Tommy took a bite of pork and also correctly identified the meat as coming from a pig. The last meat was labeled venison. The children chewed and chewed and after numerous incorrect guesses the teacher attempted to give them a hint what does your mommy call your daddy when he comes home from work at night she asked?

All of a sudden little Joey jumped up from the back of the classroom and yelled Jesus Christ! Spit it out, its Asshole!

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture
and asks the man what he sees.

A man and a woman making love in a park, the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he
sees.

A man and a woman making love in a boat.

He holds up the third picture.

A man and a woman making love at the beach.

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the
end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, It
looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.

And the man replies, Well, youre the one with the dirty pictures.

First Grade … true story

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, … And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?

The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said Holy Shit! A talking pig!

The teacher was unable to speak for the next 10 minutes.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

Why do you think were so obsessed with getting laid?

That doesnt prove anything, the woman countered. Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?

If men had PMS, what would happen?

a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.

b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent

disability.

c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.

d) All of the above.

Things That Are Hard To Say When Youre Drunk

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Things that are VERY difficult to say when youre drunk…

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Scroll Down…

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when youre drunk…

a) Thanks, but I dont want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but youre not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isnt it lovely out tonight?

f) Im not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldnt – no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I wont make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. Id hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. So did you follow him? ask the chemist. I did, replied the assistant. And…where did he go? Over to your house.

An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why.
Well, French is the language of heaven, he sighed. I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.
But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then? asked the doctor.
That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Its hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.

The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…

Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.

The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!