Old and New Jokes

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only
suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in
search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open
and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became
aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch.

In pain, she screamed, What the hell did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Tarzan always check for squirrels.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.? said the officer.

Im going to a lecture. the man said.

And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? the cop asked.

My wife. said the man.

Q: Did you know that there is a food out there that will stop a woman from wanting sex?

A: Its called Wedding Cake

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

101. Bring in potential new roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, Oh, him/her? He/she wont be here much longer.

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

Steve, his wife said, while reading the newspaper, it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.

To which the husband replies, Sorry to hear that, dear. Im sure youll miss your mother being gone.

Dont force it, get a bigger hammer.

What kind of answer did you have in mind?

One day a blonde, tried of being made fun of for her hair color, decided that she should trick some people by dying her hair brown. Now, the newly-brunetted blonde went off in search of someone to prove her intelligence to.The first person she came to was a farmer watching his herd of sheep. What a great opportunity, thinks the blonde. So, she walks up to him and says Hey, if I can tell you how many sheep are in that whole herd without counting, will you give me one of them? Now, it was a very big herd, so the farmer says, Why not? So, whats your guess?368, the blonde-in-disguise replies.The farmer is shocked, thats exactly the right answer! Well, the blonde claimed her prize, and was smugly walking away, when the farmer ran back up to her.Um, Miss? he said, If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me back my dog?

A: The cow fell on her.