A: To bankrupt the other side.

In September, a 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark,
Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot
where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your sons room.

Worse: Youre in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.

Worse: With each other.

Good: The teacher likes your son.

Bad: Sexually.

Good: You go to see a strip show.

Bad: Your daughters the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriends exercising.

Bad: So hell fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughters on the Pill.

Bad: Shes eleven.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.

Bad: Shes coming home.

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, Just what the hell you are doing?!

Well, said the guy, you see, Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!

Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! the guy replied.

I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I dont freakin think so!

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.
Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
Yes, we can do this for you.
Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things dont work out theres a possibility that we could be divorced? To which St. Peter answered It took me six months to find a priest up here…how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.The results:IF WOMEN DRINK:Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink : Mixed drinks – no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, shell send YOU a drink.Drink : Wine – (bottled not 4 litre cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is…and youre in.Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk…and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.IF MEN DRINK -As always, very simple and clear cut.Cider : Hes probably under-aged and wants to get laid.Cheap Domestic Beer : Hes poor / student and wants to get laid.Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.Bitter : Hes old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laidGuinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.Wine : Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.Port : Thinks hes sophisticated, secretl

A: Because she thought she was winning.

The discovery that Bushs resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time weve had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.

1. Im God. Dont play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me)

2. Dont be makin no hood ornaments and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Dont be callin me for no reason.
(Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain)

4. Yall betta be in church on Sunday.
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Dont dis or cuss out yo momma….and if you know who ya daddy is, dont dis him either.
(Honor thy father and mother)

6. Dont be goin on no drive bys.
(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Dont be borrowing stuff and not give it back.
(Thou shalt not steal)

9. Dont be snitchin on the other man to save yourself.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Dont be eyein your homies crib, ride or woman.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother)