Old and New Jokes

Reported as a true story:

When youre on reserve with an airline, you fly when they tell you
to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing
or missing an assigned trip.

This captain gets an A for his creativity in avoiding an assignment.
When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M.
departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud
enough for them to hear on the other end, Here, darling, I think its
someone calling for your husband.

Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period.

From the book Cabin Pressure by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro
Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors.
All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter,
not Harwell and Spiro.

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.

The agent replies, Whoa there, just a minute. It doesnt work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, Id like to cancel the policy on my husband.

What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?

Look what Marma-Lade!!

5 year old to mother: Mammy, where
do I come from?

Mother: You were found under a
gooseberry bush.

Little Girl: Do many people know
that Daddys impotent?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know youre telling the truth?

Va marta desesperada al doctor. Ya en la consulta le dice:

¡Doctor, doctor tiene que ayudarme!

Está bien, señora marta ¿qué pasa?

Cada vez que con mi marido vamos a haser el amor, a él le da por chuparme la teta, y al final no follamos nada.

Bueno, para la próxima vez que se acuesten úntese queso en la punta de sus senos, así va a tener un sabor agrio y no va a querer chupar.

Se va Marta a su casa dispuesta a seguir el consejo, pero al otro día llega de nuevo al consultorio y le dice al doctor:

Doctor, mi marido está peor que antes.

¿Pero por qué?

¡Porque ahora además de chuparme la teta viene con leche y galletitas!

Q: Which one of the fishing equipment does a football players use?



A: a tackle box.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, You shouldnt have done that to me.

What do Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?

They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery down below to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, shed tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from ? she asked the nurse, Theyre very nice but Im a bit confused as to why Ive received them.

Well said the nurse, The first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

Ahhh, thats really nice said Lucy.

The second is from your husband – hes delighted the operation was such a success that he cant wait to get you home. Apparently itll be the first time hes touched the sides for years and hes very excited!

Brilliant! said Lucy. And the third?

Thats from Eric in the burns unit said the nurse.

He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!