There were two men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other You know what? I know this bridge, where you can jump off and you bounce right back.

So the other man says, No way thats ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible.

The first replies, Come on, Ill show is to you then.

So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man say’s, Here Ill show you how it works.

So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later low and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man.

The second man says Hey man, do that again! I cant believe it… So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again.

After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off.

After a few moments, the second man doesnt return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink.

The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, Superman, youre so damn cruel when youre drunk!

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

Take my money, my car but dont kill me, said the tourist.

I no kill you if you do what I say, said the Mexican.

Just unzip your pants and start masturbating, he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. Right, now
do it again said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.

And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.

Good said the Mexican, now you give my sister a ride to the
next village.

You know youre a redneck if you think the last four words of the national anthem are:

Gentlemen, start your engines!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, well but try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, Weve reached our cruising altitude now, and Im turning off the seat belt sign. Im switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.

Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.

As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

And from the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was quite a bump and I know what yall are thinking. Im here to tell you it wasnt the airlines fault, it wasnt the pilots fault, it wasnt the flight attendants fault…it was the asphalt!

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally evryone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Why no Maam, said the pilot, what is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope youll think of us here at US Airways.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! Thats terrible! What could be worse? Whats the very bad news?

Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man,Where did you get such a big lighter?

The man replies,See that man playing piano over there?

Hes a genie and hell grant you one wish.

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,I wish for a million bucks. All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, That genie is a little hard of hearing isnt he.

The guy replies, no kidding!

You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening,
theyre in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one
night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and
gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to
their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil,
makes a | mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a
couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less
enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a | on the
wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another | on the
wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guys room to see how he
did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. What will you do if I die before you do? Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that shed probably look for a house- sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, What will you do if I die first? He replied, Probably the same thing.