Old and New Jokes

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Dont use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so Im calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I dont have a solution but I admire the problem.

Dont be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!… till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, Ill have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Dont step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it aint broke, well break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL

C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

Best file compression around: DEL *.* = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud……, James Baud.

Access denied–nah nah na na

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, Look, youve got a lot to live for. Im off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, Ill keep you happy, and youll keep me happy.

The girl nodded. What did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. What are you doing here? he asked.

I had an arrangement with one of the sailors, she explained. Hes taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me.

He sure did, lady, said the captain. This is the Staten Island Ferry.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentines day. What
do you think it means?

Youll know tonight. he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it
to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–to find a book
entitled, The meaning of dreams.

–seen in this months Readers Digest.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincolns secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were know by their three names.

Both names compromise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

The newlyweds were undressing, and the wife examined her disrobing husband closely for the first time: Gee, those are funny-looking knees.

Well, explained the husband, when I was a little boy, I caught neasles.

You mean measles, countered the wife.

No, neasles!

Then she looked at his feet and asked why his toes were all out of shape.

When I was young, he said, I had tolio!

The wife quipped, I just hope you didnt have smallcox.

A lawyer defending a manaccused of burglary tried this creative defense:"My client merelyinserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is nothimself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offensecommitted by his limb.""Well put," thejudge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one yearsimprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyersassistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."

This is a list of humourous linguistics in various languages that
Ive encountered:

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are going Dutch, since the Dutch are well known for their
frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement
op zn Amerikaans (going American) because the Americans are
known for their egalitarian nature!

In English, the bird turkey was named as though it came from Turkey.
In Turkish, the bird is named hindi as though it came from Hindistan,
which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on
the Hindi name of a turkey?)

Also, in Turkish, the word for cannibal is yam yam, pronounced
yum yum as if it tasted good. Really.

French fries arent really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call
them pommes frites or fried apples [of the earth].

In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters.
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Un hombre lleva a su esposa a una exposición bovina y comienzan a mirar los toros sementales. Al pasar frente al primero, leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 50 veces el año pasado. La esposa entonces le dice al marido:

50 veces al año. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Luego pasan frente al segundo y leen el cartel que dice Este toro montó 100 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

100 veces al año, casi 2 veces por semana. Tú podrías aprender de este toro.

Finalmente, llegan al último semental y el cartel dice Este toro montó 365 veces el año pasado.

La esposa le dice al marido:

¡Mira! ¡365 veces al año, todos los días! Sí que podrías aprender de este toro.

Y el marido responde:

¿Y por qué no preguntas si fueron 365 veces con la misma vaca?