Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats a practical nurse?

A: A nurse who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

A nurse asks the doctor if she can borrow his pen. The nurse says, Doctor, you just gave me a thermometer.

The doctor replied, God damn it! Some assholes got my pen!

Many people are in line at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter is processing them very slowly. After a while, a man with a doctors bag walks past everybody, nods to St. Peter and walks in.

One irate man walks up to St. Peter and says, How come that doctor gets to go in while the rest of us wait?

St. Peter replied, Thats not a doctor, thats God. He just likes to play doctor sometimes.

Q: What does it mean to go on the Scarsdale Diet?

A: You shoot your doctor and then spend the rest of your life eating bread and water.

Paul Randolph

Okayama, Japan

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side. The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois? The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. You are truly a wise Vet, they said. How did you know we got the cow in Illinois? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, My wife is from Illinois.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses? The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses? The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, YES, I AM!

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

The Doctor put
me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never
knew if I was coming or going!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

After the warm rain


the sweet smell of camellias.


Did you wipe your feet?


*****


Her lips near my ear,


Aunt Sadie whispers the name


of her friends disease.


*****


Today I am a man.


Tomorrow I will return


to the seventh grade.


*****


Testing the warm milk


on her wrist, she sighs softly.


But her son is forty.


*****


The sparkling blue sea


reminds me to wait an hour


after my sandwich.


*****


Lacking fins or tail


the gefilte fish swims with


great difficulty.


*****


Like a bonsai tree,


your terrible posture


at my dinner table.


*****


Beyond Valium,


the peace of knowing ones child


is an internist.


*****


Jews on safari —


map, compass, elephant gun,


hard sucking candies.


*****


The same kimono


the top geishas are wearing:


I got it at Loehmanns.


*****


The shivah visit:


so sorry about your loss.


Now back to my problems.


*****


Mom, please! There is no


need to put that dinner roll


in your pocketbook.


*****


Seven-foot Jews in


the NBA slam-dunking!


My alarm clock rings.


*****


Sorry Im not home


to take your call. At the tone


please state your bad news.


*****


Is one Nobel Prize


so much to ask from a child


after all Ive done?


*****


Today, mild shvitzing.


Tomorrow, so hot youll plotz.


Five-day forecast: feh


*****


Passover

Left the door open


for the Prophet Elijah.


Now our cat is gone.


*****


Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.


Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah


Oy! To be fluent!


*****


Quietly murmured


at Saturday services,


Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.


*****


A lovely nose ring,


excuse me while I put my


head in the oven.


****


Hard to tell under the lights.


White Yarmulke or


male-pattern baldness.

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. What happened…why are you crying?

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically… I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joes curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldnt help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?” The man replied, “Theres a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin good, Im headin home!”

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.

Sit down, said the judge. That is the prosecuting attorney.

The farther away the future is, the better it looks.