A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group.
After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a
bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope
sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction
few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to
recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The
fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.

The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope
decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign
country, one of the faithful noticed the Popes camera and remarked that it
was quite a unit. He then asked:

How much did you pay for it?

Ten thousand dollars.

Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!

Mark

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The
bartender says, No pets allowed.The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on
the Jets game and youll see.The bartender, anxious to see what will happen,
turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever
the Jets score, my dog does flips.The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog
keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one hell
of a dog you got there! What happens when the Jets
score a touchdown?The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him
for 7 years!

Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman tells her friends, My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him Your Grace.

The third Catholic lady says, My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, hes called Your Eminence.

Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle Well…?

So she replies, My son is 6 6.. he has plenty of money… broad square shoulders… terribly handsome… dresses very well… tight muscular body… tight hard buns… and a very nice bulge… and whenever he walks into a room… women gasp, Oh, my God….

There was a Jewish woman, and she had three sons, who were in their twenties. They were all at the point of getting married, and the oldest son was the first to get engaged. He confronted his mother with the good news.


Mom- I just got engaged to the best woman in the world!


Thats great Joel, is she a nice Jewish girl?


Well, shes nice, but she isnt Jewish.


Oy. Okay son, tell me her name.


Her name is Yummigucci. Shes Japanese.


Well, son, as long as you are happy, I wish you the best.

So her first son got married. Then her second oldest son came along telling her he was engaged, also.


Mom! Im engaged!


Wow, Eddy, Im pleased for you! Is she a nice Jewish girl?


Well, not exactly, shes Greek Orthodox.


Whats her name?


Krocapocalipessisi.


Well, as long as she is good to you, I am happy for you.

So her second son got married. Then her youngest son came along telling her he was engaged.


Oh, Lenny! Thats great! Whats her name?


Goldberg.


she almost fainted in joy.


Oh, son! im so so so proud of you! i cant wait to meet her! Whats her first name?


Whoopi.

There were 4 monkeys in a tree.

Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?

– It died.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

– It was tied on to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

– It got hit by the first two.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?

– Peer pressure.

A woman asks for a mans seat on a crowded bus saying that she is pregnant. The man grudgingly obliges remarking though that she doesnt look very filled out.

Oh, the woman replies, it only happened about a half hour ago.

Una señora cotidianamente quedaba complacida al tener sexo con su esposo. Un día, el hombre tenía que irse de viaje por asuntos de trabajo. Al enterarse de esto, la mujer, asustada, le suplico que no se fuera ya que no podría soportar un solo día sin cohabitar con él. Tranquilo, el tipo le dice que él encontraría la solución y pensó en comprarle un vibrador.

En la tienda, el vendedor le ofreció un nuevo tipo de vibrador, el más avanzado de todos: Budo Dick.

Mire, usted solamente tiene que decirle Budo Dick y el lugar de donde será la penetración; para detenerlo, basta con ordenarle: Budo Dick a tu caja, y él volará hacia su caja.

El sujeto quedó convencido y lo compró. Al llegar a su casa, le explica a la esposa como se usaba ese nuevo aparato.

Mira, querida, este vibrador es muy sencillo de usar y te servirá para que no te sientas sola. Únicamente le tienes que decir: Budo Dick y el lugar en donde lo quieres.

El marido emprende el viaje sin explicarle como detener el vibrador. Al quedarse sola con el vibrador, ésta ordena:

Budo Dick, a mi cosa.

En un instante, la mujer ya tenía al Budo Dick ahí. Al principio, lo estaba gozando, pero cuando ya estaba cansada y quiso detenerlo, se asustó al ver que no podía hacerlo. Se viste con el Budo Dick todavía ahí; se sube a su auto y, desesperada, pretende ir tras su esposo a más de 200 Km por hora. Pero un policía le ordena detenerse:

Voy a levantarle una infracción por conducir con exceso de velocidad.

La tipa, desesperada, le explica:

Lo que pasa es que tengo aquí un vibrador llamado Budo Dick y no sé como detenerlo. Voy por mi esposo para que me explique.

El oficial no cree nada de lo que dice. La señora suplica:

¡Por favor, ya no aguanto esta cosa!

El policía, burlándose, exclama:

¡Budo Dick, mi culo!

Un tipo llega a una torre de consultorios con un frasco de muestras y pregunta en la recepción:

Disculpe, señorita,¿el consultorio del oftalmólogo?

Señor, Ud. busca el laboratorio y está en el sótano.

No, yo quiero ver al oculista.

Está bien, se encuentra en el piso 3.

Sube el señor al consultorio con su frasquito y pregunta por el especialista

Sr. se ha equivocado, el laboratorio está…

Sí, ya lo sé, pero quiero ver al oculista.

Está bien.

Y lo pasan con el facultativo. Al ver que el paciente llega con su frasquito, le conmina:

Sr., el laboratorio…

Sí, Dr., ya lo sé.

Entonces ¿por qué viene a verme?

Es que quiero saber por qué cada vez que hago esta mierda me lloran los ojos.

Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Banana!

Banana who?



Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Banana!

Banana who?



Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Banana!

Banana who?



Knock Knock!

Whos there?

Orange!

Orange who?



Orange you glad I didnt say Banana!

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. Its a very handy thing, God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.



Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, Oh, give that to me! Id love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. Id be so great! When Im working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, Id be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…. On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).



Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldnt mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was… well, good.



Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. Whats left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…