Old and New Jokes

Things are getting so bad that 60 minutes is investigating 20/20.

Mommy, mommy, I dont want to visit grandma today! Shut up and keep digging, boy.

I am reminded…

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he
checks his pockets and leaves his tip–three pennies. As he strides
toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: You know, you
can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.

The man turns around,
curiosity getting the better of him. Oh, really? Tell me, what does
my tip say?

Well, this penny tells me youre a thrifty man. Barely able to conceal
his pride, the man utters Hmm, true enough.

And this penny, it tells me youre a bachelor. Surprised at her
perception, he says, Well, thats true, too.

And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.

London – Following the approval of Viagra by the UKs health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.

Scotland authorities have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals. They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and theyll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus!

Two nuns walk into a liqueur store and ask the man at the counter for a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. The clerk tells the nuns that he knows they are not suppose to drink alcohol and he cannot sell them the bottle.

One of the nuns said Its okay. Its for the Mother Superior. You see, shes constipated. So the clerk sells them the brandy.

After locking up the store at closing time, the clerk walks down the street and sees the two nuns are falling down drunk.

The clerk says Sisters, you lied to me. You said that was for Mother Superiors constipation.

The nun replies It is. When she see us, shes going to SHIT.

You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, “Did you know that we are a Fourtune 500 Company?”

And you answer “What track do yall sponsor that race at? I aint been to that one yet.”

There was a guy driving down the road when he ran out of gas. He went to the nearest house to ask for some gas. As soon as he opened the door it started to pour so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said, OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do dont touch it. So the man went up to the guestroom but was too curious. He went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both these but nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff he thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster came over he touched the man and said, Youre it!

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.

One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.

At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didnt know if he was Carmen or Goerring…

Even more clues you could be a Redneck…

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Youve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your dog goes oink!

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.

You know how to milk a goat.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Youve ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

Youve ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.

You dont think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

The most common phrase heard in your house is, Somebody go jiggle the handle.

You cant take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.