Folk lore, circa 1500 …

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Next time youre washing your hands and the water temperature isnt justhow you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children – last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Dont throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs – thick straw – piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof-hence the saying Its raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. Thats how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying dirt poor.

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence, a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get trench mouth.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.

And thats the truth … (whoever said that History was boring?)

Abstinence

Poza publicata in [ Naughty ]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The Pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly. What Happened? inquired the Pastor. My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there. You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church, stated the Pastor. We know, said the young man, Were not welcome at the SuperSaver anymore either.

IN THE BEGINNING……..

Poza publicata in [ Religious ]

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.And Satan said, It doesnt get any better than this.And God said, Let there be light, and there was light.And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was good.And Satan said, There goes the neighborhood.And God said, Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth. And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.And Satan said, I know how I can get back in this game.And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.And Satan said to Man, You want fries with that?And Man said, Supersize them. And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so

Knock Knock Whos there? Whoopi! Whoopi who? Whoopi cushion!

Poza publicata in [ Knock-knock ]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Whoopi!
Whoopi who?
Whoopi cushion!

Benefits of having Alzheimers disease

Poza publicata in [ Medical ]

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You dont have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

En la poca de los

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

En la época de los faraones cuando todavía no existía la escritura y todo lo escribían en jeroglíficos, dos esclavos se pusieron a trabajar en las paredes de una pirámide; uno

dictaba lo que se quería expresar y otro dibujaba los jeroglíficos.

Dice el que dictaba: primero describamos al faraón y comienza: el faraón es bondadoso, y el otro se mataba dibujando…

Continúa: el faraón es honesto y de nuevo a dibujar… Prosigue el tipo:

el faraón es amable y de nuevo dibujando en las paredes…

Y finalmente dicta: el faraón es viril, y el que dibujaba interrumpe su trabajo y pregunta: Disculpe, ¿cómo se escribe viril? ¿con un huevo o con dos?

Final Countdown

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says. Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.



Oh, thats terrible! says the man. Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?



Ten, the doctor says sadly.



Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?



Nine…

You might be a Republican if…

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

You fax the FBI a weekly list of Commies in my neighborhood.

I dont know what your

Poza publicata in [ One Liners ]

I dont know what your problem is,

But I bet its hard to pronounce.

Latex Factory

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, hes shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, explains the guide.

The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!

Wait a minute! says the man taking the tour. I understand what the hiss, hiss is, but whats that pop every so often?

Oh, its just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine, says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.

Well, that cant be good for the condom! the man states.

Yeah, but its great for the baby-bottle nipple business!