Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computers involvement in other computers affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

A piece of balogna walked into a bar, he asks for a drink. The bartender replies, We dont serve food here.

Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up to Heavan. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, Look, Piers, I dont care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, Im not going in. Especially silks. Im sick of them all..

Agreed, Tarquin, replied the other, Im with you all the way on that. Id rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C.

And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter.

One moment, St. Peter, said Piers as the gates swung wide, just one thing – Were sick of Barristers – are there any inside? Because if there are, the deals off…

Certainly not! Cried St. Pete, Youre quite safe – no barristers in here..

Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi – St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, You said there were no barristers here..

There arent, stammered St. Peter Well whos the silk in with the long beard, then?

demanded the outraged lawyer.

Oh, Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, Thats not a barrister! Thats God. He just thinks hes a barrister..

Un tipo sale de la cárcel donde ha pasado veinte años y, claro, lo primero que hace es recurrir a los servicios de una prostituta. Cuando acaban, ella le dice:

Oye, ¿tú acabas de salir de la cárcel, verdad?

Pues sí, ¿cómo lo has sabido?, ¿porque te di por detrás?

Eso me hizo sospechar, y lo confirmé cuando terminaste y, mecánicamente, dijiste: Ahora te toca a ti.

10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?



8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.



7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.



6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.



5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.



4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.



3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.



2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!



And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:



1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!

Scientists created a new invention that could reduce the pain of giving birth. It gave some of the pain that the mother felt to the father. This was there first experiment:

One day a woman came who was in labor. They hooked the machine up to her and the other end to her husband. As soon as she started feeling pain they started transferring it to the husband. THey gave him 10% of the pain. He didnt feel anything. They gave him 20%. He still felt fine. 30%. No pain. 40%. Pain free. 50%, 60%, 70%, 80%, 90% and then 100%. THe father felt no pain whatsoever and neither did the mother. All the doctors were glad they had a pain free delivery. After the mother and father got home, they found the mailman dead on their lawn.

There was this guy that whent bear huntning and seen a large bear by a clearing, he aimed and fired and the bear dropped. that hunter ran up to look for the bear and it wasnt there, about that time the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead you have two choices, i can kill you and eat you or screw you a while, the hunter didnt want to die so he let the bear have his way with him and left.

he was mad as hell whent back the next day with a 7 mm mag and sure enough there was the bear in the same place. he took aim and fired and the bear dropped, he ran up to get the bear and there was no bear. the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead, same deal as yesterday. so the hunter let the bear have his way with him again and he left madder than before. he whent home and got a 300 weatheby Mag and whent back to the same lpace and sure enough there was the bear again. he took realy carefull aim and fired and the bear dropped and the hunter ran up again to get the bear and the bear wasnt there, the bear came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder and sead you aint realy into this for the hunting are you?.

Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?

He couldnt give her a pink slip without asking her to try it
on first.

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.

One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow.

Mr. Brown, she said, We are tired of your filthy remarks and we arent going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal.

Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.

The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper.

The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting whores to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day.

All at once the girls get up and head for the door.

Wait a minute! shouted Mr. Brown. The boat doesnt leave till Thursday!

A cucumber wont tell you that size doesnt matter.
A cucumber wont need to be sucked off.
A cucumber wont care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber wont lie to you about having a vasectomy.
A cucumber wont want to come on your face.
A cucumber wont fall asleep too soon.
A cucumber wont fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
A cucumber wont make you sleep on the wet spot.
You wont find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin, or trying to screw your sister.
A cucumber wont grab cash from your purse while youre asleep.
A cucumber wont come home late, stinking of beer.
A cucumber wont run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
Your mother wont flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
Cucumbers dont jam the freezer with food you dont like.
Cucumbers dont stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick.
But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
Cucumbers dont mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber.
The cucumbers you raise dont desert you.