Un japons asiste a un

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un japonés asiste a un programa de televisión porque ha ingresado a los Records Guiness debido a que ha hecho el amor con al menos una mujer de cada país del mundo.

El conductor del programa toma un mapamundi al azar y va escogiendo países preguntándole como es cada mujer haciendo el amor. Entonces, dirigiendose al japonés, el conductor interroga:

Dígame, caballero, ¿cómo es la mujer francesa?

Bueno, la flancesa es muy tielna y hace el amol una y otla vez sin cansalse.

¿Y la egipcia?

A la egipcia le gusta hacel el amol en conjunto, estuve yo con tles o cuatlo al mismo tiempo.

¿Y la argentina?

La algentina es la más fogosa, estuve con una algentina dulante más de 12 holas, dándole y dándole… Y nunca se cansaba.

¿Y la belga?

La belga… ¡La velga la tengo hecha mielda!

Entra un seor corriendo a

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Entra un señor corriendo a una farmacia y pide:

¡Rápido, deme algo para la diarrea, pero ya!

El encargado de la farmacia, que era nuevo en el negocio, se pone un tanto nervioso y le da sin fijarse unas pastillas. El tipo, con la urgencia, se las toma y se va. Momentos después, el encargado de la farmacia se da cuenta de que por error e inexperiencia le dio al hombre unas pastillas para los nervios. Horas después regresa nuevamente el diarreico y el farmacéutico le dice:

¡Mil disculpas, señor, fíjese que por error le di un medicamento para los nervios en lugar de algún antidiarréico! Pero dígame, ¿cómo se siente usted?

Cagao, pero tranquilo.

Davidson

Poza publicata in [ Lightbulb ]

Q: How many Davidson students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four – one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that they could have gone to an Ivy League if they had wanted to.

Men can live without air

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.

Small

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Q.What are three, two letter words that describe small?

A. Is it in?

Microsoft and a Halter Top

Poza publicata in [ Computer ]

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!

My Way vs. Marthas Way

Poza publicata in [ Ethnic ]

Marthas way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Marthas way: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Marthas way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Marthas way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?

Marthas way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Marthas way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.

Marthas way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.

Marthas way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.

Marthas way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up.

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.

Marthas way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Marthas way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.

Marthas way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.

My way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Marthas way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

My way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Marthas way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.

Marthas way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Marthas way: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Marthas way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Marthas way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Marthas way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

The 3 Priests (classic)

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window…

Young lady, he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third…

Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say, he continued, if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates –

St. Fingers going to shake his peter at you!

Pick Up Lines And REPLIES (Rated)

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: May I see you pretty soon?

Woman: Dont you think Im pretty now?

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.

Woman: Thank you. Its on aisle three at the corner drug store.

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter. or Stop.

Man: Id go through anything for you.

Woman: Lets start with your bank account.

Man: May I have the last dance?

Woman: Youve just had it.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to your place, and Ill go to mine.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Whats it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?

Woman: Whats it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I could see you naked, Id die laughing.

Women Jokes

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Q – Why do women have smaller feet than men?? A – So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

Q – The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door… which do you let in first? A – The dog of course, at least hell shut up once hes inside!

Q – What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells? A – Pregnant

Q – What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence? A – Divorced