How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, or four, or…No, wait, well have to count them again.
05
May
05
May
You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.
05
May
One day in school the teacher is giving the class an English lesson. She asks if anyone can give her a sentence with the word Lovely in it twice.
All of a sudden little Mary jumps up and says that she has a sentence. The teacher is pleased to see her top pupil being so conscienious and asks her to tell the class.
The little girl goes on and says: At the week-end the weather was lovely, so my family and I went out to the countryside and had a lovely picnic.
The teacher was most impressed, and asked if anyone else could make a similar sentence. Then from the back of the class, little Jonny the class rascal, shouted out that he had a sentence. The teacher, in a sympathetic tone of voice, said Oh… alright then Jonny what is _your_ sentence?
Jonny went on to say: Last night my sister came home and said she was pregnant and our dad said, Lovely!!! Fuckin Lovely!!!
04
May
Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. My floppy drive wont work, can you help me ? she asked.
I told her Id take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5 floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.
Oh, you mean the condom!, she said.
Condom???, I asked.
Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.
By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The condom turned out to be a standard 3.5 plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldnt do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):
Does that mean I dont have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???
04
May
Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. Father, I am sinful.
Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.
Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, its been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.
Thats bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.
Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.
Thats not very good of you.
Father, last month, I went to her uncles house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. Father? ……… Father? suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. Father? Where are you? He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.
Father, why are you hiding here?
Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.
04
May
A man dies and goes to heaven.
As hes standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.
Hes dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, Who was that?
St. Peter answered Thats just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.
04
May
A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.
When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.
Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, Ill grant your request.
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.
Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.
The Irishman begins shaking all over. Oh boy, could I use a drink, he says.
The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.
He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.
The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.
He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.
Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.
04
May
Está Pepito en la escuela y la maestra le pregunta:
Pepito: ¿Dónde está la casa de Dios?
Pepito le responde: En el baño, maestra…
¿Por qué en el baño?
Porque mi papa veo que dice a la puerta del baño: Dios mÃo, ¿todavÃa sigues ahÃ?
04
May
Un borracho le grita a su mujer:
¡Mi amor, tu mamá se cayó del segundo piso!
¡Cómo! ¿Cuándo fue?
¡Hace como dos horas!
¡Y ahora me vienes a decir, borracho estupido!
¡Es que no podÃa hablar de la risa!
04
May
The night before Y2K
Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol Buggy
Wouldnt stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!