Old and New Jokes

One day a daughter went to her father and asked for a prom dress. The father said, if you give me a blowjob I will bye you the prettiest dress in the store! She said your gross dad and went on her way. Two weeks before the prom she again asked her father for the dress, he replied you know what to do, if you give me a blowjob, you will get the dress! She again replied your sick dad and went on her way. Three days before the prom she again asked her dad for the dress, he again said you know what to do to get the dress except this time she agreed! After she got through giving him a blowjob she said damn dad, your dick taste like shit! He said I know, your brother needed to barrow the car!

En un restaurante estaban un tipo, su esposa y un pingüino. Se acerca un mesero y pregunta:

¿Puedo tomar su orden caballero?

“Mire, a mí deme un filete, a la señora otro y al pingüino quinientos”.

Muy bien, señor. ¿Y de tomar?

Para mí una cerveza, a la señora otra y al pingüino mil.

¿De postre?

Para mí una rebanada de pastel, otra para mi esposa y al pingüino 200 plátanos.

Muy bien, señor.

Al momento de entregar la cuenta, intrigado, el mesero se dirige al comensal:

“Señor, ¿le puedo hacer una pregunta?”

“Sí”.

“¿Por qué tiene un pingüino?”

“Pues, mire, yo me encontré una lampara mágica; cuando la froté salió un genio que me concedió tres deseos: primero le pedí tener mucho dinero, ya ve usted que hasta en efectivo le pagué”.

“Es cierto. Oiga, ¿y el segundo cuál fue?”

“El segundo fue tener una esposa muy bonita y de buen cuerpo. Ya lo ve usted (dirige la mirada hacia su esposa).”

“Tiene razón, ¿y el tercer deseo?”

“Ése fue mi error, yo pedí tener un pajarote muy grande e insaciable, y ya ve usted, me mandó a este pinche pingüino”.

BECAUSE IM A GUY Because Im a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, Ill miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because Im a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isnt running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Im looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.



Because Im a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.



Because Im a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like cumin or tofu. For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which feminine hygiene product is a euphemism.



Because Im a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart — despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.



Because Im a guy, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where were going?



Because Im a guy, there is no need to ask me what Im thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so dont.



Because Im a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mothers Day is okay, I dont need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?



Because Im a guy, I am capable of announcing, one more beer and I really have to go, and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you Ill be home soon, and no, I dont understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Whats the connection?



Because Im a guy, you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if youre crying at the end of it, I didnt.



Because Im a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.



Because Im a guy, I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?



Because Im a guy and this is, after all, the 90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. Ill do the rest.

Time Limit: 3 weeks

YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!



1.) What language is spoken in France?



2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.



3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (D) WRITE A PLAY



4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (B) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic



5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?



6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?



7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)



8.) What are people in Americas far north called? (a)Westerners (b)Southerners (C)NORTHERNERS



9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG



10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.



11.) Where does rain come from? (a) Macys (b) 7-11 stores (c) cats and dogs (D) THE SKY



12.) Can you explain Einsteinss theory of relativity? (a) Yes (b) No



13.) What are coat hangers used for?



14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?



15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium. OR Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS



16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?



17.Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) Nigeria (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Australia



18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?



19.) What is the phone number for 911?



20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?



21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?



22.) Where does wood come from? (a) TREES (b) Asphalt (c) Steel



23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?



EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

I dont think you can really know how heavy something is until it has
fallen on you.

– LeMel Hebert-Williams

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, Im Eddie, Im here to pick up Betty. Were going for spaghetti, is she ready? No. The second beau came to the door and said, Im Joe, Im here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go? No. The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. Hello, my name is Chuck. The farmer shot Chuck.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont. I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged. Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.