Old and New Jokes

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lords Prayer at a church service: And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.

You get kicked out of all-you-can-eat restaurants.

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks

the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain

around?

The man answered HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these

things!!

Write down on a peice of paper:

M R ducks

M R not

O S A R

C M wangs

L I B

M R ducks

Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:

em are ducks

em are not

oh es ey are

see em wangs

ell ill be

em are ducks

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive – at his in-laws place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law: When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise Ill have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.

The offspring does arrive one day, but its a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks: If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, hell misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over.

So he sends the message: The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.

Women always get to clean it

These tagline are in the Tom Swifty tradition of humor:

You tell em Bald Head, youre smooth.
You tell em Banana, youve been skinned.
You tell em Bank, youre safe.
You tell em Bean, Hes stringing you.
You tell em Brake, youve got the drag.
You tell em Butcher, youve got a lot of tongue.
You tell em Cabbage, youve got the head.
You tell em Cat, Thats what youre fur.
You tell em Chloroform, you can put them to sleep.
You tell em Church Bell, I told you.
You tell em Clock, youve got the time.
You tell em Dentist, youve got the pull.
You tell em Hard-Boiled Egg, youre hard to beat.
You tell em June, And dont July.
You tell em Manicurist, Ive been trimmed.
You tell em Mountain, Im only a bluff.
You tell em Operator, youve got their number.
You tell em Printer, Im not your type.
You tell em Railroad, Its not along my line.
You tell em Skyscraper, you have more than one story.
You tell em Teacher, youve got the class.

I had the strangest dream last night, a man was telling his psychiatrist. I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact I woke up immediately, and couldnt get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: A Coke? Thats a breakfast?

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, We have special requirements
for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The Pastor went to the
elderly couple and asked, Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The old man replied, No problem at all, Pastor. Congratulations! Welcome to
the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks? The man replied, The first week was not
too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but,
yes, we made it. Congratulations! Welcome to the church! said the Pastor.

The Pastor went to the newlywed couple and asked, Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks? No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex
for the two weeks, the young man replied sadly. What Happened? inquired the
Pastor. My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of
her right there. You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church, stated the Pastor. We know, said the young man, Were not
welcome at the SuperSaver anymore either.

What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.