A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell
asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been? demanded his
wife when he entered the house.
Darling, I cant lie to you. Ive been having an
affair with my secretary and weve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didnt
wake up until eight oclock. The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,You lying bastard! Youve been playing golf!.
The 2nd Affair:Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his palelips
began to move slightly. Becky my darling,
he whispered. Hush my love,
she said. Rest, dont talk. He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice, I have something that I must confess. Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky, everythings all right,
go to sleep.
No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I …. I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and even your mother!I know, my sweet one whispered Becky, thats why I poisoned you.
Q: What gives milk and has one horn?
A: A milk truck!
Heard this from a friend:
A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which
requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for
two words every 5 years, to sum up ones experiences to the head
monk.
After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described
his experiences and all he said was HARD BEDS.
When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were
and he replied BAD FOOD.
After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, I QUIT!
The monk nodded and muttered Yes, this doesnt surprise me.
Youve been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!
[Ed: Reportedly part of Gary Mulederes act.]
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
No, she replies…. You just happened to catch my eye.
(hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)
The following diet has been circulated at one of the local
clinics. Some may find it stimulating.
BREAKFAST:
———
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk
LUNCH:
——
4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
——-
Rest of package of Oreos
1 qt. rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge
DINNER:
——-
2 loaves garlic bread
Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
Large pitcher beer (any brand – it all comes from the same horse, anyway)
3 Milky Way bars
Entire Sara Lee cheesecake – direct from freezer.
DIET TIPS
If no one sees you eat it — it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel
each other out.
When eating with someone else, calories dont count if
you both eat the same amount.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts such as:
Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee cheesecake.
If YOU fatten up EVERYONE ELSE around you–then YOU
look thinner.
Movie related foods dont count because they are simply
part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of
ones personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra
butter, and Junior Mints.
Scotty
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
- Real Programmers dont eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke and palate scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers dont comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and harder to modify.
- Real Programmers dont document. Documentation is for simpletons who cant read listings or the object code from the dump.
- Real Programmers scorn Floating Point Arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
- Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in only a few 30-hour debugging sessions.
- Real Programmers dont read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers dont write application programs. They program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for the dullards who cant do systems programming.
- Real Programmers dont write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs.
- Real Programmers dont write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who cant run a business, not a real program.
- Real Programmers dont write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
- Real Programmers dont write in PL/I. PL/I is for insecure anal retentives who cant choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
- Real Programmers dont write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after puberty.
- Real Programmers dont write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
- Real Programmers dont write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
- Real Programmers dont write in Pascal, BLISS, Ada or any of those other sissy computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
- Real Programmers dont write specs. Users should be grateful for whateverthey get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.
- Real Programmers dont do flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterates form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
- Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9 AM, its because they were up all night.
- Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via MAIL.
- Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in microwave ovens. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
- Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
- Real Programmers dont play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
- Real Programmers dont like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course they are the Chief Programmer.
- Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
- Real Programmers dont drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or Pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
- Real Programmers dont believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules.
- Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every Real Program. Candyass architects wont allow Execute instructions to address another Execute as the target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
- Real Programmers dont bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesnt sell it, they dont eat it. Vending machines dont sell quiche.
El hada madrina le dice a Cenicienta:
No te olvides Ceny que apenas el reloj del palacio marque las 12 de la noche, tú tienes que salir de ahÃ, o en caso contrario tu vagina se volvera PAPAYA.
SÃ, madrina, asà lo haré.
En la hora de cena y en el momento de los postres, al prÃncipe le traen una tremenda papaya al jugo, y comienza a comerla con mucho entusiasmo y placer.
al ver esto, Cenicienta pregunta, ¿Te gusta la papaya, principito?
Oh sÃ. No sabes cuanto me gusta chupar este fruto, es lo que más me gusta. Estaria horas enteras chupando y saboreando esta rica fruta. A propósito a qué hora me dijiste que
te tenÃas que ir a casa.
A lo que Cenicienta respondió:
¡Como a la una… una y media… mi amor!
1) Thats not right ….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man …. Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse …. Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? …..Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ….Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift …..Chin Tu Fat
9) Its very dark in here …..Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ..Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ….No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week … Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ….Lei Ying Lo
14) Hes cleaning his automobile …Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive …Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great …Fa Kin Su Pah
The young hillbilly came home one day and told his father that he had found the girl of his dreams and intended to be married.
Shes beautiful, 16 years old, and a virgin.
The father replied, No son of mine will ever marry a girl like that! If shes not good enough for her father and brothers, … shes not good enough for you!