Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
– An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I dont have to repeat myself) – MINIMIZE BUTTON – SHUTDOWN FEATURE – SHOPPING FUNCTION – A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it wont fall asleep after sex
– A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION – DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users – A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once its uninstalled it wont come back – A MONOGAMY FEATURE – AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before theyre about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
Two blondes are on a bus and one of them looks out the window and sees two other blondes in the middle of a feild rowing a boat. She turns to the other blonde and says Its blondes like that who give us blondes a bad name. and she replied yeah and if i could swim ide kill her!
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two bankers were fighting over a penny.
When in doubt, dont bother.
Late at night, a woman is woken from her sleep by a bat suddenly swooping into her room through a window.
She watches as the bat transforms itself into a vampire. She grips the pillow tightly, but is too afraid to speak.
The vampire slowly approaches, but as it almost reaches her, the woman suddenly remembers the cross on her night-stand.
She grabs it tightly, holding it out towards the vampire and, in a trembling voice,cries,
You cant come closer! I have a cross.
The vampire looks the woman in the eye and responds, Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen!
Why did they have to stop doing the wave at the Skydome in Toronto? Beacause a blonde drowned in it.
There was an Aggie, Longhorn, and a Red Raider who were out hunting. The Aggie brought back a big buck.
How did you get that? they all asked.
I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and boom I shot a buck. Then the longhorn brought back an elephant.
How did you get that? they all asked.
I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I shot an elephant. Then the Red Raider came back all beat up.
What happened? they all asked.
I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and boom I got hit by a train.
At a church, a new priest was being trained. He was so nervous at his first mass
that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, Next week it may help if you
put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly.
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to
talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he
found a note from the Monsignor:
Next time, sip rather than gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples not 10.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and
the Boys.
Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffys.
We do not refer to the cross as the The Big T.
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
The recommended Grace before meals is not Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub,
Yo God!
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was
stoned off his ass.
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat
it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.
Last, but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the Cherry.
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
Your neighbours are an arsehole and two nuts.
Your best friends a cunt.
Youve only got one eye, and you cant see through it.
You always have to wear a collar
and whenever you get excited you throw up.