Old and New Jokes

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesnt mind spending someone elses money.

Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and hes excited. Hes especially thrilled because he gets to play two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Jerry cant wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.

The movie starts, and its the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, everything…and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, Im only here for the music.

The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, Were only here to see our dog.

Manolo es atropellado; mientras se encontraba en el suelo, decia con grandes gemidos:

Inclínenme, inclínenme! Y repetía esta misma frase durante varios minutos.

Como es de suponer la gente le ponía de un lado y luego del otro y Manolo seguía:

¡Inclínenme, inclínenme!

Por suerte su amigo Venancio pasa por ahí y le escucha. Entonces les dice a todos los que trataban de ayudarlo:

¡Ignorantes!… ¿qué no ven que el pobre está pidiendo que le internen en una clínica?

Un sacerdote estaba dando el sermón en la misa, cuando ve que en la primera fila un tipo se está quedando dormido. El padre se pone colérico y sube el tono de voz para despertarlo, pero como éste no se despierta, le dice al niño que estaba al lado:

Despiértame a ese señor.

¿Y yo por qué, si usted fue el que lo durmió?

Todos estaban mirando el album familiar. Pepito, el más chico de la familia, mira la foto de un hombre muy apuesto, delgado, de bigotes y pelo negro, entonces pregunta:

Mamá, ¿quien es este hombre?

Ese es tu papá.

El muchacho mira de reojo a su padre, se le acerca a su mamá y le dice al oído:

Y el pelón gordo y feo que vive con nosotros ¿quien es?

Un amigo le dice a otro:

Oye, vaya moretón que tienes en la mejilla. Además lo tienes muy hinchado, no?

Bueno, sí, es por el viagra. Como ahora hace un mes que lo estoy tomando…

¿Cómo que por el viagra? Pero el viagra actúa sobre el pene, que yo sepa.

Ya, pero ahora cuando llego a casa, mi mujer me da un pellizco en la mejilla y me dice: ¡Pero que contenta me tienes!

As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, St. Peter, whats the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?



St. Peter replied, The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.



Click. The minute hand on Sams clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute. Sam must be into closing a customer right now, said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.



The man continues to look around. Whose clock is this? asked the man.



That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasnt moved in a year or two.



The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, Ive seen everyones clock but President Clintons. Where is his clock?



Saint Peter smiled, Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Dear Kill 17,000

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But dont worry we have three engines left.

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But dont worry we have two engines left.

An hour later the capain announced One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But dont worry we have one engine left.

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said If we lose one more engine, well be up here all day

Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.