Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and Ive just closed the register.

(Q.)Why do mexicans eat tamales for christmas?

(A.)So they have something to unwrap

HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE

Page yourself over the intercom. (Dont disguise your voice)

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Reply to everything someone says with, Thats what you think.

Dont use any punctuation in your emails

Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say are you sure?

Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person How much are the washer and dryer?

Five dollars for both of them, the salesman said.

Yeah right, youve got to be kidding me! the man replied sarcastically.

No, thats the price, the salesman said, Do you want to buy them or not?

Yeah, Ill take them! the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. How much? he asked.

Five dollars for the system, the salesman answered.

Is it stolen? the guy asks.

No, said the salesman, Its brand new, do you want it or not?

Sure, the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. How much?

Five dollars, was the familiar response.

Ill take that too! the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,

Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said, Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What hes doing to her, Im doing to his business!

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. Show him right in! our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and
shouts into it …and you tell them that we wont accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and dont even call me until you agree to that amount!
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; Good Morning, Mr.
Jones, what can I do for you?

Im from the phone company, Mr. Jones replied, Im here to connect your
phone.

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstons first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

You think country and western are the two kinds of music.

You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.

You think paprika is a third-world country.

Dinner may or may not have tire tracks on it.

You own a homemade fur coat.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

People think youre having a yard sale….and youre not.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

You own a waffle house credit card.

Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?

You marry him!

A Sort Of Christmas Carol

(To the tune of Silver Bells)

Jingle bell, its not so swell when you cant afford a gift.
Shopping malls are hollow halls, Im shopping at the Thrift.

See the pawnshops, hear the teeth crunch, in nightmarish anxiety.
In the air theres a feeling of hopelessness.

Checks were cashing, then were dashing, off to spend, its so obscene.
Hoping for more overtime.

Jingle Bell, what is that smell, oh, its Hillarys toe.
Ringaling, is a circus thing, and were all part of the show.

People bitching, salesman pitching, theres no reason to smile.
For this I parked and had to walk a mile.

Dodge shopping carts at Wal-Marts, filled with Japanese trash.
In the Express Line price-checks and no cash.

Jingle Bell, can go to hell, Do not give to the poor.
For if you do, soon youll need it too, and there wont be anymore.