America OnLine: An organization
set up to give Internetters someone to make ethnic jokes about.

I just read this in Playboy:

Bill Gates is at this party and it lasts to past 1am and like all
computer people who stay up late he gets hungry. He says, Hey! How about
us calling out for pizza? The people he is with are somewhat taken aback
(he has all these bucks, shouldnt he have some more class), but agree.
So he calls the take out pizza place. He comes back crestfallen. They
dont deliver after 1am. he says. His friends say, Uhhh, Bill, you
forgot. You have all this MONEY. How much is that pizza worth to you?
Bill stands there a minute then says, Ill call again. He picks up the
phone and gets them on the line and says, This is Bill Gates and its
worth $252 for you to bring me pizza. He got his pizza FAST.

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, Dont you think its time we told him he was adopted?

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

I dont have one, she said. Well then, are you a friend of the groom? I should say not, snapped the woman, Im the brides mother!

Missed ya last week, Jim. Where were ya? asked Bob, the longtime fishing buddy.

Oh, I couldnt make it out to the lake. My wife had a baby!

Oh, how big was it?

Five pounds, eight ounces.

Damn, hardly worth the bait!

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet. Ones a Texan, ones a Mexican, ones is a French man, and the other is an Englishman. A radio transmission says to throw out all the luggage because there is too much weight to land. So they do. Then they get another transmission that says three will have to jump out because there is still too much weight. So the French man goes to the door and says. Viva Le France. and he jumps. The Englishman says, Long live the King. and he jumps out. So the Texan and the Mexican go to the door. They look at each other, and the Texan grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door and says, Remember the Alamo!

Theres white out on the monitor.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.

It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; dont despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what its like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didnt live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other peoples bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; you might brighten someones day!

You have been Tagged by the Blue Man!!!

Which means you are a great friend!!

If this is sent to you it means you are a good friend!!!!!

Good Luck!

Jack Gremillion tells of the minister who parked in a no-parking zone and left this note on his windshield: I have circled this block 10 times. I have an appointment to keep. Forgive us our trespasses. When he returned to his car, this reply was attached to a parking ticket: Ive circled this block for 10 years. If I dont give you a ticket, I lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.