A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! Ive got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that Im a dog. Its crazy. I dont know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "Im not allowed up on the furniture."
Q: Why is a passionate kiss like a spider?
A: Both can lead to the undoing of the fly.
A guy walks into a doctors office and says, Doc, I have a problem. First I think Im a teepee, then I think Im a wigwam. Then a teepee, then a wigwam. And so on and so on. Whats wrong with me?
The doctor replies, Your problem is that youre two tents.
(two tents, too tense)
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didnt even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
Doctor, she said, I have a very bad gas problem.
A gas problem? replied the doctor.
Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh…silent gas emissions.
Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!
Doctor, youve got to help me! What can we do?
Well, said the doctor, I think the first thing were going to do is give you a hearing test!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Imogen!
Imogen who?
Imogen life without chocolate!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Haiti!
Haiti who?
Haiti see a good thing go to waste!
THE BRITISH BOARD OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember)
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
An 80 year old couple decide they want kids again. They visit the doctor who suggests, since they are a little older than usual, some tests might be in order.
He hands the couple a small jar and asks them to go next door and for the gentleman to fill it so they can test his sperm count.
A few minutes later the couple returns and hands back the jar. The doctor exclaims, But its still empty!
The main replies, I know. I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, then I tried with both hands, and I still couldnt do it.
Then my wife tried with her right hand, then her left hand, and with both hands. She tried with her teeth in and her teeth out, and we still couldnt get the lid off that jar!
Un abogado muere y se va a las puertas del cielo. Ahà se encuentra con que la fila de gente que espera para ver si va a entrar es inmensa y que en la punta está San Pedro atendiendo. Ya estaba decidido a esperar una eternidad en semejante cola cuando ve que el propio San Pedro en persona se le acerca y tomándolo del brazo delicadamente lo lleva hasta un sillón muy cómodo que está cerca del comienzo de la cola y le dice que no se impaciente que en seguida lo va a atender… El tipo, asombrado por tal trato preferencial le pregunta:
¡Oiga, San Pedro! ¿Cómo es que me atienden con tanto esmero?
Lo que pasa es que estuve inspeccionando los talonarios con que facturaba las cuentas a sus clientes, y por la suma de las horas trabajadas veo que debe tener unos doscientos cincuenta años…
Estaremos siempre al lado del gobierno… porque si vamos adelante nos coge, y si vamos detrás nos caga.
En Argentina tenemos los mejores legisladores… que el dinero pueda comprar.
Basta ya de realidades, queremos promesas.
La patria dejará de ser colonia o moriremos todos perfumados.
El paÃs estaba al borde del abismo y con Duhalde hemos dado un paso adelante.
La deuda que le estoy dejando al paÃs no es externa, es eterna. Menem.
Las inundaciones no se producen porque los rÃos crecen, sino porque el paÃs se hunde.
Algunos nacen con suerte, otros en Argentina.
Prohibido robar, el gobierno no admite competencia.
Las putas al poder, porque con los hijos, no nos fue bien
Este gobierno es como un bikini, nadie sabe como se sostiene pero todos quieren que se caiga.
No se tome la vida tan seriamente: Igualmente no va a salir vivo de ella.
Argentina es una granja cerrada por falta de huevos