Old and New Jokes

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog cant even ride a bicycle.

Why did the Blonde cross the road? Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen!

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!

Whats come over you?

2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pack of cards!

Ill deal with you later.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a needle!

I see your point.



Doctor Doctor – I feel like a pair of curtains!

Pull yourself togerther man!



Doctor Doctor – I have 59 seconds to live!

Wait a minute will ya!

The following are letters from children to GOD.





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Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Alladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.

-Raphael







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Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.

-Danny







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Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

-Larry







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Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

-Sam







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Dear GOD, You dont have to worry about me. I always look both ways.

-Dean







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Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

-Ruth M.







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Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when Im not praying.

-Elliott







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Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

-Nan







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Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

-Rob







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Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesnt sound right. Theyre just kidding, arent they?

-Marsha







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Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes.

-Mickey D.







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Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris





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Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna





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Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah – You made an ark on dry land you fool. But he was smart, he stuck with You. Thats what I would do.

-Eddie







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Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.

-Charles







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Dear GOD, I didnt think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

-Eugene

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, Well, thats fine, but its not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said, Wait, wait! Theres more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, Lets give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to know the answer.

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself Ill give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, Im going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know thats wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible Ive got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know its wrong now Ive never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, Ive got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, Im a nun, aint ever had none, and aint ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped… She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, Ive got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!

Actual Newspaper Headlines

• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• House passes gas tax onto senate
• Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
• Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
• William Kelly was fed secretary
• Milk drinkers are turning to powder
• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
• Farmer bill dies in house
• Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

• Queen Mary having bottom scraped
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
• NJ judge to rule on nude beach
• Childs stool great for use in garden
• Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

• Eye drops off shelf
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Dealers will hear car talk at noon
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
• Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

• Never withhold herpes from loved one
• Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
• Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
• Autos killing 110 a day, lets resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

• If strike isnt settled quickly it may last a while
• War dims hope for peace
• Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Childs death ruins couples holiday
• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasnt seen in years
• Man is fatally slain
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Herewith is a compendium of movie clichés, stereotypes, obligatory scenes, hackneyed formulas, shopworn conventions and outdated archetypes.

The author says that as you go to enough different movies, you start to notice things. Like how every time theres a chase scene in an exotic locale, a fruit cart gets overturned. Or how whenever the hero knocks out a Nazi sentry and puts on his uniform, the uniform is a perfect fit. Or how there are plots that would be over in five minutes, if all characters werent idiots.

Actress Inferior Position – In movie sex scenes, which are usually directed by men, the POV (Point of View) at the moment of climax is almost always the mans, so that we see the actress, not the actor, losing control.

AC-WAT-NOBI Movie – A Cop With A Theory No One Believes In.

Against All Odds Rule – In an apparently fatal situation from which there is no possible hope of survival, it is certain the characters will survive. In a situation where there is any apparent chance of survival, there will be at least some deaths.

Aint Nobody Here but Us Chickens. – Whenever someone is alone at home at night and they hear a sound in the house and ask aloud, (Name), is that you? it NEVER is.

Air Vent Escape Route – If the hero is imprisoned in a building owned by the villains, there will inevitably be an air vent cover that is not screwed in and is easily removed. The passageway will be large enough to accommodate any size person. The escape route will pass over the room where the bad guys are discussing the details of their diabolical plan, which the hero will now be able to foil.

Alien Berlitz Communication Rule (ABC Rule) – Movie aliens are able to learn the local language (English, French, Japanese, etc.) in an amazingly short time. Frequently this includes the ability to reproduce recognizable Earth-like accents.

Ali MacGraws Disease – Movie illness in which only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.

Back seat Inviso-Syndrome – Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the backseat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.

Bad Movie Rental Warning Rule – If a rental movie box has a warning such as If scenes of graphic horror offend you, do not rent this film! -do not rent this film.

Baguette Envy – In every scene which includes a person carrying a bag of groceries, the bag will invariably contain a long, skinny, French baguette loaf, and exactly

8.5 inches of it will be exposed.

Bartender Establishing Shot – All movie bartenders, when first seen, are wiping the inside of a glass with a rag.

Based on a True Story. – Hollywood shorthand, meaning: Depressing,morbid, downbeat, including scenes so shocking or lascivious that no producer would include them in a movie unless he could excuse himself by saying these things actually happened.

Bathroom Rule – No one in the movies ever goes to the toilet to perform the usual bodily functions. Instead they either use the bathroom to take illegal drugs, commit suicide, make a criminal deal, kill someone else in a stall, get killed, or sneak out through the bathroom window.

Beeping Rule – In movies where cops, reporters, hackers, and others are using a computer to locate a suspect or special file, the successful retrieval of said subject is heralded with dramatic beeps, flashing messages, and other electronic indications that something important has been found. The only time an ordinary computer ever beeps is when it refuses to carry out a command.

Beginning, The – Word used in titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the Amityville house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.

Best Play of the Game Rule – Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer.

Betcha Cant Name That Tune Ploy – Almost all movie pianists, such as Clint Eastwood in In the Line of Fire, are perfectly happy playing nothing but chords. By never straying anywhere near a recognizable melody, they avoid paying royalties.

Betsy Syndrome – Identifying an actor in print by their latest film, regardless of how weak it was. Inspired by a newspaper article that appeared toward the end of Sir Lawrence Oliviers career, referring to him as Lawrence (The Betsy) Olivier.

Big Nod, The – Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side.

Bogeyman Shot – Unaware victim is shot in close-up looking toward the camera, while a huge lopsided space is left vacant for the monster/killer to appear in.

Boob Tube – There is never anything worth seeing on TV in the movies.

Boom-Boom Rule – Whenever a building or a car explodes, the explosion will be repeated in its entirely from several different camera angles.

Born in the USA – Any movie set in an unnamed U.S. city will be revealed by the credits to have been filmed in Toronto or Vancouver.

British Roman Rule – All leaders of the Roman Empire have British accents. Why dont filmmakers want Romans to at least have Italian accents?

Broken Compass Principle – In New York City chase scenes, cars are able to turn off of avenues onto other avenues. This is impossible, since the avenues are parallel.

Bumbling Night Watchman – Any scene involving the good guy burgling an office at night will inevitably include a semi- competent night watchman, whose sole purpose is to inject an element of danger into an otherwise boring event. Actions performed by the watchman usually include shining flashlight through the window, rattling doorknobs, watching security monitors, etc., all done in a manner that allows the good guy to continue undetected until just after he discovers the needed information or object. He will then flee the scene with the watchman in pursuit.

Bun and Spectacles Rule – Any woman who appears in a movie with her hair in a tight bun and wearing glasses (usually large thick round ones will inevitably turn out to be the beautiful heroine. She will magically acquire perfect vision and a sexy wardrobe.